A Pain in the A$$

I'm not going to lie. Today was rough. Today sucked. It was just one of those days where by noon I wanted to scream, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE!" I can't believe I've spent four years running in circles. I can't believe how desperate and alone I feel at times. I can't believe friends and co-workers are having second babies. The pregnancy announcements keep coming in, and while I do genuinely feel happy for friends who've been blessed with an easy time, it serves as yet another reminder of our struggle. I feel broken all over again. I feel guilty Noah can't have a genetic child because of me...all those feelings flood back in with every pregnancy announcement. I wish it didn't. As much as I've worked through a lot of those feelings, they still exist. And it is because of these feelings, perhaps, that Noah and I have become so isolated from friends. Friends who we know are celebrating their baby's first birthday-- we just aren't invited anymore. The choice to participate isn't ours. And that just adds to the feeling that I can't believe this is my life.

As I was waiting for the nurse to call me back this afternoon, I had a moment where I was totally and utterly ready to throw in the towel. It was nothing specific, just an overwhelming sense that I don't want to live like this anymore. I know it's a choice. Kind of. I know I'm back on hormones and that is impacting my thought process. I know I just have to be patient. But there are definitely those moments where you just feel fed up--enough is enough.

Noah came home from work and gave me my first shot of delestrogen in the butt. He got half of the liquid in, but pulled the shot out too soon and had to re-shoot me. It was glorious. And we put a heating pad on my butt and watched the Giants play some terrible baseball. We crossed out another day on our cycle calendar and folded laundry, and I continued to worry about how I would handle it if Momotaro, our donated embryo, doesn't work. I ate a half a bag of chocolate chips and broke out into an estrogen induced sweat. 

"Is it really hot in here, or is it me?" I asked. He's heard this line before. He smiled and we slow danced to a Lumineers song and I reminded myself how I would handle it if Momotaro doesn't work. I just would. We just would. And I never thought I could love a person as much as I love and appreciate Noah. And I never thought this is where I would be in my life, at 34, in a ratty T-shirt, blogging about my baby making foibles. Yet here I am. 

As part of the documentary we've been making, (which we just got some amazing editors to work on!) Noah and I have interviewed many people who have survived IF Island. At these low moments, I sometimes watch back footage from these interviews. That's part of why we are making this film, to be able to share these hopeful stories. Noah has to edit some video for me to put up, because the people we talked to are so great. People shared stories of doing all kinds of procedures, IUI and IVF, donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption-- and each one of them ended up with the baby that was meant to be theirs.  They struggled, they spent years of their lives and tens of thousands of dollars, but they created their family, and couldn't see it happening any other way. Some didn't carry their baby, some are not genetically related to their children, some miraculously conceived naturally after they were told they would never be able to conceive. Watching these clips helps me remember that one day this stage will be over. One day we will have a child and we will look back on these dark infertility years as the time in our lives when we learned who we really are and what we are really made of. And we will be able to say we were brave and patient and determined. That gives me hope, which is what I desperately need to cultivate right now. 

Sending everyone on IF Island a little love and a little hope. 

 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks so much to everyone for your thoughtful and supportive comments. It sounds like everyone totally understands these feelings. Reading all of your experiences makes me feel like I'm really among an elite group of people here--true warriors! Love to everyone.

[2 Day Diet Japan Lingzhi Slimming Formula]

thanks

[WBC]

Soldier on, my friend. There's a whole group of us all marching right alongside you. I know some days are just rough- when the fear and the doubt and the anger and the guilt and the self-pity get to you, despite your best efforts. But it will not be like this forever. Someday, somehow, we will get where we are trying to go.

[Mel]

Oh lovely Maya. This is a post I could have written. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Thinking of you. x

[A Few Good Eggs]

Oh, Maya. I don't know you in "real" life, but my heart just aches for you. I have been there and know that feeling and it is just the worst of the worst. And while deep down we all know that things will work out somehow, that not knowing how and WHEN is impossible and torturous. I'm sending a hug.

[Laura]

It is scary how I read what you have written and how I have said those exact same things to my husband only days before!! I definitely feel your pain as we are beginning another cycle. I came home from the West Coast to find a message that I needed to start meds I didn't have. Long story short, someone at the pharmacy offered to stay until we got there.

This has to be the worst island I've ever been on and I've been here too long. We just keep going and hope that we make our dreams come true in the way that's best for us. Hang tough girls!!

[Torrey]

I also wonder how this is my life. Remember that time I was supposed to have 4 kids? I understand the pain, and your words are very familiar to me. This sucks and that's ok.

[Jill B]

I read you blog over my lunch hour, but waited to come home after work to post a comment. I hate hearing pregnancy announcements. I hate shots in the butt! I hate being stuck in the childless limbo. You are taking steps to try and find your way out of this - I hope you find your happy "beginning" soon.

[Dani]

What you're really made of? Pure awesomeness. Even when you don't see it, we do. Stay strong my friend!!

[Denise]

So many of my own feelings you have posted here. Guilt that my husband isn't a father, because of me, isolating ourselves from friends etc... You are not alone, hang in there.

[Kristy]

I have been following your blog for months. There are a lot of us out there that have been struggling to get pregnant for years. Trying everything from acupuncture, Mexican healers, traditional Chinese medicine with herbs, carrying healing crystals, switching to organic foods and cutting out decaf coffee and switching to green juice. Trying ANYTHING that worked for others on the internet, and praying that it is what will work for me. My hubby thinks I'm nuts, but he always says whatever for you in your head. We have done 4 iuis and I am diagnosed with DOR. We have been contemplating doing IVF with my eggs but of course the money thing is so scary. It is such a rollercoaster of emotions and I thank you for sharing your journey with us. It makes us feel like we aren't so alone out here on the "island". Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Maya. Don't lose hope!!!

[phaira]

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

[Jess]

Hugs ! I love reading your blog, so raw and real and describes how exactly how it is on this Island, it sucks plain and simple but I love your humor and honestly about all of this. I sadly joined this club last year when I got remarried and trying for a child, having DOR stinks. First IVF ended in a miscarriage at 10 wks due to a bad embryo and my 2nd cycle was canceled after 7 days of stims. Hoping to go in again and try.

I know you probably looked at a million clinics but have you looked into Dr. Sher ? He is on Vegas ( I am going to his NYC office) but he is amazing. I found his blogs and forums and have heard countless stories of him getting women pregnant in their late 30's and 40's with their own eggs. They even have a free ivf cycle to give once a year (I believe it starts like very soon) and he takes on the toughest cases, he even answers questions for free on his website and forum( post on the Vegas one)..

I hope today is a better day :)

[Ruby]

Oh how I feel your pain! I also have DOR (AMH in 'undetectable' range) and have never been pregnant - it will be 2 years for us this summer. I have 2 first birthdays this week and in the past fortnight alone have had 4 birth announcements and 4 pregnancy announcements, 2 of which came yesterday, the day my period started early after a month of injections, tracking scans and trigger shot sweats. As my sister-in-law said, it is literally like a bad sitcom! Like you, I woke up this morning and for the umpteenth time wondered how on earth I got to this place and for the first time really considered whether it was worth it...so it was amazing to click on here and see my thoughts mirrored in your post. Your hope helps me hope too, so thank you once again for sharing your story so honestly. My family also follow this blog now and we are all rooting for you! Keep fighting, I really believe it will happen in the end and oh, how sweet it will be when it does. x

[Myra]

Hang in there Maya. Soon enough it'll all be over in some way or another. Several times these past few weeks I've said to myself "this can't be my life. What the hell happened?!". It'll be 5 years for me in August, literally the entirety of my marriage (the first time I got pregnant was on our honeymoon and I've had 3 miscarriages since. I haven't been able to get pregnant again since 2011). Somehow my RE talked me into doing a third round of IVF right as I turned 43. I've been on hormones for over four and a half months, and I'm so ready to have my body, my life and my friends back.

I'm saying extra prayers for you and Noah. Thanks for venting and making me feel I'm not as crazy as I think I am sometimes. Much love to you both!