Ugh. I'm so over this. It's boring. Terribly, awfully, dreadfully boring. Here's a post from last year with the same friggin' topic! I'm really ready for some new news. I do have to say, though, that I don't feel like a jerk for feeling hopeful, they way I have in the past. For some reason, I used to feel...I don't know, embarrassed maybe, for feeling hopeful. Now I don't. I feel proud that Noah and I can give it our all every time, and that we can cry it out and get back up. I didn't know resilience was something I'd learn when trying to make a baby, but I have. It's coming in handy right about now.
So we do have a plan, which involves getting monitored on day 1 of my next cycle (per the Seattle doc) and starting estrogen if all looks good. The one problem with this plan, is that Noah and I are most likely going to be up in Northern, CA for a good friend's wedding on day 1 of my cycle. My LA doc thinks it's fine to come in for monitoring within the first three days, but Seattle didn't seem to think that way. That illustrates frustration #1 when dealing with two different doctors at two different clinics. Frustration #2 is being reminded of how annoying the timing of all this often is. I literally feel handcuffed to my ovaries! Frustration #3 is the idea that I'm about to ask my friend's father (who is an OBGYN), if he can maybe monitor me up north, if necessary. So I'm about to ask my friend's dad if he can go up my bloody vag with a dildo cam ultrasound wand the morning of his son's wedding!! I would be laughing at the continued ridiculousness of the situation if it wasn't my actual life.
But it is. I guess I can laugh and cry and throw my hands up in the air and surrender to this incredibly long and arduous process. Perhaps Momotaro, our little frozen Seahawks fan, is meant to be our baby. That's all I can think. My fingers are seriously crossed. We are kind of at the end of our options here, and though I know there are really no guarantees, I have to find a way to be optimistic.
Thanks for the love and well wishes everyone!
So sorry to hear this news but glad to hear you are moving forward with the little embryo waiting for you and hope you can work out the situation over the wedding weekend. As if the emotional and physical part of IF isn't enough, the scheduling is so hard and puts such a cramp on your normal life. Hang in there, Maya.
Posted by: A Few Good Eggs | June 20, 2014 at 07:44 AM
Thanks y'all. I was hoping for a miracle but I guess it's just not our time yet. Samantha, I hear July is the best month for miracles ;) Lisa--thanks for the offer to help with an RE up north, I think I've figured everything out. Laura--so right, gals on IF Island are the toughest breed! Phaira--hope is not lost, it's just...being redefined. I've been attached to the donated embryo for a while and do really feel like that is supposed to be our baby. I'm just afraid because I've been wrong about that feeling before...I won't go there. WBC, ugh. That's all I've got. Ugh. Life on IF is such a tedious, obsessive, unpredictable thing. If I posted a picture of my daily planner over the past four years...let's just say I could probably qualify for a stay at a mental ward based on my calendar alone. Deb, I would accept that award! It is all so insane, but I think I'll be able to avoid that scenario. Aside from not wanting to wait another minute to start up again, I don't want to miss a month because if I do all my blood work and x-rays etc expire (every 6 months) and that can be an expensive pain. And I have to travel in August so I would need to wait two months...then my sis is planning on getting married in Sept...ugh, the schedule. It's go time! I'm just going to jump in. Hopefully Seattle nugget is as ready as we are! Thanks for the sweet thoughts Ruby! Did I get everyone? Thank you all for the support.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 20, 2014 at 07:32 AM
So sorry to hear this Maya, it just sucks. Miracles do happen though, hoping yours is in Seattle. *hugs*
Posted by: Samantha | June 19, 2014 at 07:32 PM
So sorry about the beta. As for the wedding-day ultrasound... the things we do in order to try to have our babies! One day our kids better be really grateful! I'm not sure exactly where in Northern California you'll be, but that's my neck of the woods. My RE is often open weekends. I don't know if he monitors people who aren't his patients, but it might be worth a shot if you're anywhere near where I live. Email me if you're interested and I can give you his info if it's close enough. Best wishes for whatever you decide to do!
Posted by: Lisa | June 19, 2014 at 07:19 PM
Sorry to hear of the negative beta. I've had those exact thoughts as you and like you, we keep going on. We've hit the wall so many times and just when I think we can't get up again, we do. I guess it shows how tough we girls are!!
Posted by: Laura | June 19, 2014 at 06:00 PM
We are laughing and crying with you Maya...every step of the way!
I will say to you what my sister said to me in an email this morning...
Please don’t lose hope…there are success stories out there! Wish I was near enough to give you a hug.
Posted by: phaira | June 19, 2014 at 10:34 AM
Blah. I am sorry about the beta and will be thinking of you guys as you take the next steps moving forward. I understand the ridiculousness (and unfairness) of it all. Just found out a relative is pregnant, within months of marriage and going on a vacation together (of course, that's what we should all do!)and here I am planning my next two work weeks and social events around "if I make it retrieval," "if I make it to transfer," and "if I get a negative beta how am I going to not cry in the office and still be able to work." Misery (and hope!) loves company though, and just know you've got company. :) Good luck with sorting out the timing for this next cycle.
Posted by: WBC | June 19, 2014 at 10:08 AM
I think that if you have to have your friend's dad give you a sonogram on the morning of his son's wedding, then you should really win some sort of TTC prize. Most ridiculous situation that becomes relatively reasonable in the context of the insanity of TTC goes to: MAYA!
Is there a real reason that you can't wait the extra month if your CD 1 overlaps with the wedding and you can't get the father of the groom to do his duty?
Sorry about the beta negative, but I too am excited about the little nugget-in-waiting in Seattle.
Posted by: Deb | June 19, 2014 at 07:59 AM
Oh Maya I was thinking of you yesterday and so hopeful too. EURRGH. I'm not sure if this philosophy works for everyone, but I try and hold on to the idea that when my baby comes along (which, like you, I believe strongly that it will!), it will be clear that all this pain and waiting was necessary for me to meet that particular little person, and not any of the others along the way. It takes courage to hope against the odds, and you are absolutely right about the resilience. Of course, I'm sure we'd all trade some of that new-found resilience for a little swaddled bundle of joy but nonetheless it is a gift too! Thank you for continuing to share your journey and here's to a speedy start to your new cycle (ideally conviently timed around your social calendar...wouldn't that be amazing?!).
Posted by: Ruby | June 18, 2014 at 11:38 PM