I can honestly say my dad is dying to be a grandpa. And for the last four years, I've been dying to give him the news that he is soon-to-be. But I haven't been able to.
Early on in this journey, I felt the added stress of disappointing the men in my life, specifically Noah and my dad. I felt like I was somehow supposed to bring home a win for the team with every IUI or embryo transfer, and when I didn't, knowing they were disappointed and sad somehow made me feel worse. I felt like I had let them down. They never spun the situation in this way, it was all in my head. They both have seen everything my body and heart have gone through, and they have just wanted me to be happy and healthy, and a mother. I soon realized that this cycle of responsibility and disappointment and guilt doesn't help anyone, so I joined Noah and dad in feeling disappointed by the situation and the outcomes of our attempts, rather than feeling disappointed in myself. They always reminded me that I had not done anything disappointing, the thought never even crossed their minds. Noah and my dad remind me every day how strong I am, how determined I am, and how proud they are of me for fighting for our family.
This morning I woke up and asked Noah how he felt about today being Father's Day. He just kind of shrugged and said, "Hopefully next year it will actually mean something to me," then he drank a protein shake and went to the gym. For us, it's another Sunday.
For many couples out there, these Hallmark holidays are a reminder of what's missing. Some people have lived through countless ART cycles with negative results or have had miscarriages and still births or babies that only survived for a short amount of time. It breaks my heart that a day that is supposed to be celebratory for so many can actually be a reminder of loss. So, I'm dedicating this Sunday to all the men out there who have not only had to grieve for themselves, but who have held their crying wives in times of sadness. To all the struggling daddies and grandpas in waiting-- Sending lots of love today.
Yes! Thanks for asking! She just graduated from her RE on Friday. She had a slightly bumpy ride-- some spotting, was taken off meds a little too early, low progesterone, moved to progesterone shots in the butt, and yet her little wonky frozen embie is strong and growing. She's totally off meds now. Goes to show we never can tell what is going to make it. Very hopeful for us all!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 15, 2014 at 04:19 PM
maya,
is your friend that is 9 weeks preggO still pregnant? I wish her all the best of luck!
Posted by: rachel wa | June 15, 2014 at 03:56 PM