How Optimistic is too Optimistic? Is there such thing?

I have two friends on the opposite ends of the optimistic v...not so optimistic spectrum.

Fighting for the "Don't hold your breath, the shoe can drop at any second" side is my friend who is almost 9 weeks preggo (I can't write the word out completely because it's still a little taboo for her). She has been on IF Island for a few years and to her surprise got..pregg0 after an FET of an embryo she had zero expectations of. She was already planning her next IVF, in fact, it was already paid for, and when she got news she had a beta HCG number, and it was rising, she kind of didn't believe it. She has been doubtful ever since and is just starting to be able to wrap her head around the idea that this could be it for her--her final ticket off the Island. And I totally understand that. It's a way to protect your heart after it has been smashed into a zillion pieces so many times. It's a way to not have any real expectations, knowing there is really no way to know if everything is going to go the way it should. Feeling in denial may help break the fall, if there's a fall. 

My other friend has also been on IF Island for a few years. She is batting for the, "This is IT! It's going to work this time!" team.  She is on her second egg donor, and has a handful of beautiful embryos in the freezer. Last month she put in two--top quality. Her lining was good, everything seemed to be in the right place, but they didn't take. She was bummed but bounced back quickly. She has just started preparing for the next transfer, and she wrote me this morning that she keeps catching herself thinking that 100% FOR SURE the next batch will work, and then she has to stop herself, smack herself across the face (twice) to remind herself that this has failed before. It's like she wants to be super positive, and she naturally seems to be fairly positive, but she is trying to dim that optimism. She is trying to crush that hopeful feeling.  

I stand somewhere in the middle, perhaps. I have felt the other shoe drop, hard, and try to protect my heart and shield myself from getting too excited. I try my hardest to squash other people's excitement for me as well, because I kind of need everyone to know NOT to get excited until I can count fingers and toes. But I've also started to feel that no matter what my attitude is, certain things are going to work or they're not. It's not because I deserve it. It's not because it feels right, it's not because the situation is so crazy, (like being on suppression medication and having to cancel an FET), that this just HAS to be it. It just is or it isn't. So in some ways I might as well be hopeful and optimistic, but...it's not always easy. How each person handles their emotional self is very personal, and has to feel right for them. It has to be their truth.

That, I do believe. We have to be honest with ourselves about how we are feelings. If it's doubtful, then that's what it is.  But if we are actually really feeling good about a situation, why water it down? It's going to hurt no matter what. Can we let our feelings just be what they are? Can we sit with them and accept them, and stay totally present with the facts of what our situation is in a given moment?

I feel...I actually don't know how I feel. Noah and I followed doctor's orders this weekend (it was like riding a bike ;) and now we wait to see if a miracle happened. In this moment an embryo may be burrowing its way into my uterus, or it may not be. I will continue to plan ahead, talk to the  Seattle clinic on Friday to work out a game plan, because having a plan always helps me. And if I feel hopeful and optimistic at times, I'll ride that wave and be present in that space. And if I feel doubtful and scared, then I'll sit with that too. We are all going to waver while living on the Island. That is for sure. And that's ok. That's genuine. That's real. That's the emotional rollercoaster. 

Sending love to my fellow Islanders. 

 

Comments

[Laura]

For me, I definitely have gone from super positive to super negative. We have been on this journey for 4 years and while we are extremely lucky to have insurance coverage for our cycles (we live in Boston), it is now getting to the point of being emotionally exhausting. We now have been told that our chances are pretty low and we should look at other options. I think for us, we just aren't there yet. We are coming to terms with our situation and then will make decisions when we are in a better frame of mind. One thing that has helped have been "pity parties". We give ourselves time to cry and yell and then move on. Like all of you, we just keep going since we have no other choice. What's meant to be will be and it will make us stronger.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing y'all. Jo, I'm so sorry your first IVF didn't end the way you had hoped. It's so heartbreaking. The first time we weren't successful I was so shocked and broken up--I know how much it hurts. I remember just wishing we could take the morning of the dreaded phone calls over again. Take two, please. I wish you so much love and luck with whatever comes next for you. A Few Good Eggs--you've really been through it all! And you're so right. Attitudes change literally on a minute by minute basis...it's hard to stay grounded. Dani--it's a good reminder that how you feel won't necessarily affect the outcome. I get superstitious at times and blame myself for feeling negative, thinking that's why something didn't work. And yet when I feel positive and things don't work, I don't blame myself for feeling positive. Interesting how that works.

[Sophia Donovon]

Hello to All,

Read your work, you guys are doing fab. Infact, the couples who think they’ve not been able to wish for one because of their infertility actually need good advices from IVF and Surrogacy clinics. I recently came across the doctors at Alta Bates, and I’d really recommend them to all who need IVF.

Would like to mention again, you doing a Fab work!!!

[Jo]

Keeping my fingers crossed for you maya. I've just had my first go at ivf fail and your blogs have been really supportive to me. so thank you for taking the time to write it all down. Your honesty is a powerful thing x

[A Few Good Eggs]

I find that I fluctuate between being optimistic and totally pessimistic. After infertility, a stillbirth, and a second miracle pregnancy, I know how right and how wrong things can go and my attitude about where we'll end up changes from minute to minute. I do feel very strongly that being positive about things and generally having a positive outlook helps in some way... if not in a physical way, it helps your mental state of mind, which can't hurt. Anyway... interesting to read about how differently everyone handles this stuff!

[Dani]

This is such a great topic to explore. Me, I'm a pessimist. But that extends to other parts of my life - it's just my personality. I think the message of, just let yourself feel what you're feeling, is great. I truly believe one's feelings about a procedure, good or bad, don't affect the outcome. I have been optimistic about cycles (mostly at the beginning of all this) and that didn't make them work. And the pessimism I felt about other cycles didn't make them fail. People have told me that if I don't think my procedures will work, they never will. Well I didn't. And they did. In the end, my reproductive system didn't give a rat's ass how I felt.