I wok e up this morning feeling fear. Fear in its purest most distilled form. I've gotten to know my fear by the way my chest feels first thing in the morning. The way I can't really listen when I'm spoken to. The way my brain starts making up all kinds of terrible scenarios that involve me getting terminally ill, Noah getting into an accident, or something horrible happening to someone in my family. Those are my warning signs that I am afraid. I tend to generalize my fear so that it's massive and involves all kinds of crazy freak things. But I've also learned how to recognize when I'm doing this, so that I can get a little distance. "Ok, Maya, you're afraid. Noah isn't going to get decapitated by a dump truck falling on the car on his way to work this morning, what's this really about?"
Coming back from a weekend away (which was great BTW), is sometimes hard. After a few days of relief, it feels overwhelming to come back to the grind of doctors appointments and hemorrhaging money on crap I hate spending money on, like blood tests and meds. But this morning I knew I wasn't just overwhelmed. I was scared. I'm scared the embryo donation might not work. That's what the fear was really about.
And it might not work. That's a reality. There is a decently high chance that it won't. The logical part of my brain can't believe that after all the crap we've already tried, we'd even consider going down this route. The physical part of my self questions if I can even carry a baby. I've never been pregnant, so I'm not sure if carrying is even an option for me. But my heart believes that this is the right choice for us, right now. That no matter what happens, this step, removing both of our genetic material from the equation, will give us the best chance to see if I can in fact carry. This is our best choice right now.
But what I'm scared about is the what-ifs that I have no control over. I'm scared to have my heart broken again. I'm scared to find out that I can't carry. I'm scared to lose more time and money. I'm scared that battling infertility will continue to be what I do--all day evey day. I'm scared to think about this not working. So I'll try not to. It doesn't help me. The fear is there, and it's normal, and I can accept that.
So this morning when I realized that I am actually terrified, I just sat with it. I said hello to all my fears, and then articulated what I knew I was really afraid of. And I told myself it's okay to be afraid. I reminded myself that I have gotten through some pretty gnarly things, and that I have a loving family, an incredible husband, and a community of people who know and understand this fear all too well. Whatever happens isn't going to kill me. I'm going to be ok. What's that quote? Feel the fear and do it anyway? All I can do is the best I can to let that fear go. I keep imagining that worried thought perched on a cloud--I watch as it floats far away until I can no longer see it.
I saw my RE in LA today and my baseline ultrasound looks fine. The nurse in Seattle is supposed to create a schedule for me, and hopefully we will be able to head north some time mid July. My only job now is to follow directions and make peace with my fear so that I am instead overwhelmed by hope and possibility. It isn't an easy task, but it's an important one.
Sending so much strength to anyone else feeling afraid about their next step. We are going to be ok. We are going to resolve this crisis. We are going to find our babies, or come to terms with alternative choices. It won't be like this forever.
What a great post and all so true, you have really learned to identify your fear and I think that is the hard part. The fear of this not working is sometimes so overwhelming I believe I don't even realize it is fear most of the time. Thank you as always for sharing.
Posted by: devon | June 25, 2014 at 05:01 PM
It looks like a lot of us feel this fear, and it is normal, but it sucks! It is a scary place, but we will get through it KFH. I'm not always exactly sure how, but we will. Denise, I love that you know when something feels right and it doesn't. I had that moment today and was trying to decide if I was just angry at the ding bat nurse I have to deal with at the clinic, or if I "had a bad feeling." I think I was frustrated with the nurse, but knowing when to step back and regroup is important. I'm glad you're feeling better and ready to jump back in. Christina, thanks for sharing--love your "N's". I something think of three A's-- be Aware, be Accepting, be Able to sit with it then move through it. It's great to have these little coping tools in our back pockets. Phaira--you're no more a freak than any loving person who happens to have to fight to get their baby. Keep digging deep--we all must inspire each other to find that inner brave. JaLae--I'm swimming! I'm swimming! It's kind of a doggie paddle but my head is still above water...kinda. Love to you all.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 24, 2014 at 09:32 PM
Your thoughts are just what I needed to hear tonight! I have had those same thoughts on fear just recently! I will continue to think about you and Noah. The unknown is such a scary place, but we will get through it. I know it!
Posted by: KFH | June 24, 2014 at 06:14 PM
I completely understand your fear. I cancelled our last cycle after our first attempt failed. I didn't feel good about it or was just scared to death. We are now starting over and I feel much better.
You hang in there. It will happen and you are right it won't be like this forever. BTW I love your blog! :)
Posted by: Denise | June 24, 2014 at 01:33 PM
Fear is a natural emotion and you are dealing with it well. I've been working with my counselor on the three N way of dealing with fear (notice your fear, name the fear and (No) don't feed it - distract your self with meditation) but it is still gut-wrenching and the process is continuous. Thank you Maya for sharing so eloquently.
MrsSwanek - BFNs are horrible. Keep reaching out and make sure to share even your ugliest feelings with someone you trust. That study looks way cool. I hope you get in.
Posted by: Christiana | June 24, 2014 at 10:37 AM
Sending you strength right back Maya. You have this uncanny ability to tap into exactly how I'm feeling and it helps me to feel a little less like an IF island freak and more like someone who has the ability to be brave in the face of so many unknowns. Even if some days I have to dig deep to find my bravery, as so many of us do.
Thank you.
Posted by: phaira | June 24, 2014 at 06:35 AM
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
You've got this. (and I totally get you on the fear thing. I'm there.)
Posted by: JaLae Thompson | June 23, 2014 at 08:33 PM
I'm sorry about your BFN. I agree. Much rather be doing something than being in that no mans land. That study looks good. And HRC is a good clinic I think. I hope you get into it. And really hope your luck shifts and things start to come together. I know you're dealing with a lot right now and really admire your strength. Sending so much love.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 23, 2014 at 03:18 PM
Great blog post. As much as I dreaded the injections and everything, I really want to be back in treatment. Had a BFN last Wednesday, and today my period started, making it seem more "real." Currently hoping to get into this clinical trial: http://theivystudy.com/default.aspx
Posted by: MrsSwanek | June 23, 2014 at 02:59 PM