Though my friend's father, the OBGYN, agreed to...help as needed, I don't think it will be necessary. The nurse said it will be fine to be monitored within the first few days (which is not what the doc said last week, but whatever). Sigh of relief. I always feel like I'm being so annoying when I deal with the Seattle clinic, because I'll write and email and leave a message and won't get any response for hours, so I'll call again and then the nurse acts like my questions are no big deal. I'm trying not to be totally neurotic. Trying.
So I've thrown a few things in a bag, including the one dress that still fits me, and we're heading north for the wedding. I'm going to pack all my thoughts and feelings and worries and questions into a box, and mentally store it somewhere deep in my brain, somewhere next to the box filled with everything I learned in algebra class in high school. Every time I start to think about what if this donated embryo doesn't work...I'm going to shove something sweet down my face. Wait, that's probably not a good idea. I'll just let the thought come and then let it go. What if it doesn't work? That's a possibility. I guess I'll find out what is on the floor below rock bottom, and then I'll crawl my way back to civilization, the way I've done many a time before. I think the real challenge is for me to think about what if this does work? It's hard to imagine.
I think what is both super challenging and extremely important is the ability to have an upsetting, sometimes traumatic, experience and then dive right back into the same process with optimism. That's what every one of us has to do over and over again. It's hard to have pure hope and excitement about the next cycle when the cycle before ended with heartbreak. The ability to leave the story of the past experience behind so that you can move forward with a clean slate, a blank page, is truly a learned skill. We all know things can go wrong and that you can lose at the IF game each month, but that information doesn't help us as we gear up for another process. Well, it may help some to have low expectations, but for me, I have to find a way to check the old baggage at the gate and get on the plane with an open heart. My story can be different this time. It really seems like it's time for a new chapter. Though I can never erase all that I've gone through trying to make our baby, I can try to put it all aside and start fresh.
So that's the goal of this weekend. A road trip, where I'll eat sunflower seeds in the car until my mouth is so salty and raw that my lips look slightly botoxed. A wedding with friends, where I'll drink and dance and remember what it's like to be a normal person. And a drive home, where I'll begin to come back to IF Island, ready to take on the next step. Ready to get my body and mind back in shape for Momotaro, our little embryo. Mommy and Daddy are coming for you, kid!
Hope everyone has a beautiful weekend and perhaps a little space from the grind of IF Island.
Hi Marisa--you're so right! There are some amazing people on IF Island and the community is so supportive. The whole process sucks, but you're definitely never alone. Good luck to you and thanks for reading. Hi Martha--ugh! The cards have not been on your side :( I get feeling rock bottom, and just when you think something is rock bottom, you realize there is actually a rock rock bottom. It's terrible. But hopefully you don't find that place and things start to work out better for you. Nothing is wrong with YOU! Crap just keeps happening. You didn't ask for infertility or a blood/skin infection! I'm so sorry. It isn't your fault though. None of this is. I wish you the best of luck and hope that leg doesn't get in the way of your FET. I'm prepping for mine now--hopefully in a few weeks, so maybe we will be on a similar schedule.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 23, 2014 at 02:06 PM
I hope you have a wonderful weekend off. I'm feeling so grateful I found this blog! Infertility has felt like a lonely journey, but I'm finding that there is a group of amazing bloggers, sharing their stories and providing a community of support. Best wishes and thank you!
Posted by: Marisa | June 21, 2014 at 07:15 PM
I love reading your blog...but it also makes me so sad. I found your blog when I was a rock bottom - or so I thought - after our first failed IVF cycle....and now working on FET number 2 (technically 1 but the first went south in relation to my lining depth....), and I feel like everything is against us! Today, 5 days before our scheduled FET and I have a skin/blood infection in my leg from a softball injury 6 weeks ago! They originally thought it was a blood clot!
With the realization that I may not be able to complete this cycle, I broke down - even before I knew anything! It was just the thought that we would have to wait AGAIN for something that was wrong with ME...ugh!
But back to why I originally started this post - I feel like you always write what I cannot express...everyday, every time I am stuck and need someone to understand, I pull up your blog and you have already written exactly what I feel and have worked it through to perfectly - and it gives me some semblance of peace, it is kind of crazy... so thank you, thank you so much.
Posted by: Martha Stoner | June 20, 2014 at 11:15 PM