I've been here before. This weird space where time slows and my brain becomes absolutely completely singularly focused on what my beta HCG blood test will reveal. (There are really only two choices, I don't know why I get so obsessive). While I know my thoughts and feelings, hopes and desires, have no impact on the outcome, I can't help but feel a little superstitious.
Last night I dreamt that I was on the phone with the RE we are dealing with in Seattle, who was somehow looking at my uterus while I was on the phone, and she found two baby sacs! She said they could also just be gas, but there was something there. When I woke up, I had this feeling that now there would never be two babies or any babies in there, just because I dreamt about it. It's ridiculous, but apparently thinking like this is something I do. I get worried about jinxing the situation. You would think my thought process would evolve over time, but it hasn't really. You can check out my insanity from August 2013 as we waited for a beta back then, or Noah's patient perspective from November 2013. Sometimes there really is nothing left to do or think, as you can see in this video clip of us on our way to get my blood drawn in Nov 2013.
I think this time around I'm actually a little calmer because we have a solid back up plan. We spoke to the doctor in Seattle on Friday and decided that we would do a natural FET cycle for the donated embryo. So if/when my Aunt Flow comes to town, I'll start estrogen, be monitored more closely, and we will make our way to Seattle around the second week of July, if my body cooperates. The doctor was actually really nice about all of it, and I feel good with this plan. I don't need to waste an extra month on birth control and I don't have to do Lupron.
It was really weird, and rare, that my body produced good looking follicles while on birth control and Lupron. It has given us this one last solid attempt at getting pregnant in a somewhat natural way, using both of our genetics. But I have to be honest, while I obviously really hope a miracle has happened and something is brewing inside me as I type this, I don't care about the genetics anymore. For over six months, I've been preparing emotionally, mentally, and physically, to receive this donated embryo, that taking a step back and getting a chance to use my own eggs for the first time in over a year made me realize that it no longer matters that much to me. I just want to be a mom. I just want to stop doing fertility treatments. I want to stop spending time and money and emotional resources on these cycles. I just want something to work. I realized I have gotten very attached to our little donated embryo, and it made me happy to think that I am really fine with whatever happens. As long as something happens soon!
It's funny how things change. The idea of an egg donor, let alone a donated embryo, was scary and upsetting some time ago. Now I see it all as a beautiful gift and a better chance at reaching our goal of parenthood. But seriously? Something, ANYTHING needs to work soon! This is getting ridiculous. Friends that were pregnant when we first started trying are having second babies!
So I will get through today, and tomorrow with my newly learned patience and as many distractions as I can. By Weds afternoon we will know where we are headed next.
Praying for you.
Posted by: Christiana | June 18, 2014 at 03:10 PM
Here's hoping that your last day and the next day are filled with work and activities and things you love doing that are helping just a little bit to make the time pass. That wait is so hard and there isn't really anything that helps. Wishing you success!!!
Posted by: A Few Good Eggs | June 17, 2014 at 09:37 AM
Sending strength from one two week-waiter to another! We are all rooting for you!
Posted by: Ruby | June 16, 2014 at 11:18 PM
Love your perspective!! I think all of us have had those exact thoughts. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!!
Posted by: Laura | June 16, 2014 at 06:01 PM
Thank you for continuing to write & essentially share what we are ALL experiencing. It's a little relief reading your posts & feeling like I'm not the only one! Wishing the next few days are filled w/disractions!
Posted by: Becky | June 16, 2014 at 10:38 AM
Hi Maya. Just wanted you to know that I really appreciate your blog. I'm in a similar situation to you. 36, have been with my husband since 2000. We didn't get around to attempting to conceive until 2012, when I was 34. I have DOR, with 5 follicles usually and undetectable AMH . Ugh, I hate how this has come to define me. Anyway, I'm intrigued by your success (thus far) on BC and Lupron, as I'll be attempting the same exit cycle. Best of luck with this or your DE, and thank you for sharing your journey so eloquently. I wish you many good distractions in the next few days.
Posted by: Deb | June 16, 2014 at 10:12 AM