I'm noticing from all the super supportive comments from my last post that so many Islanders REALLY understand this feeling of being up in the air. I think it should be formally built into the protocol of a cycle: Day 1, begin medication, Day 2 begin feeling Up In The Air (UITA) until, Day 9 ultrasound check, if all looks good, proceed to next step (retrieval or transfer...or whatever depending on the cycle). Then comes the morning of the procedure, where you'll get another large dose of UITA because you don't know if you'll have any eggs retrieved or if the embryo will thaw...if all looks good again, proceed to the next step, and hopefully then the TWW, which is obviously followed by feeling UITA!!!
UGH. It was so much more fun when I felt grounded. OMG. I just called getting shot in the stomach daily in preparation for putting someone else's left over embryo into my uterus fun! How far I've come. But when I had a schedule with specific dates and highlighter markings for when I was suppose to start a different medication, I felt like we were at least moving forward. I'll take a med schedule any day over this feeling of...floating. It's not even floating, it's stalling. It's taking a step into quicksand and not being able to step out. Is quicksand a real thing, or just in that scene in The Princess Bride? Whatever. Not knowing what comes next or when or how we are going to move forward makes me uneasy.
But I have to note, I'm not as uneasy and freaked out as I've been in the past when our slow moving baby train has had to take an abrupt sharp turn in a different direction. I don't know if nothing phases me all that much anymore or if I feel okay this time because I know the embryo is still there, and it's just a matter of getting my body to be ready for it. It's just time. And what is time anymore, right? It's been YEARS, so what's a few more months? Wow, who is this easy going flexible person? Normally, I would be up in arms about the doc at the Seattle clinic not being able to talk to me for two weeks, but I'm not. I'm annoyed and planning to email the nurse tomorrow to express my frustration rationally, but I wanted to wait a day or so to cool out and figure out what I want to do. Sometimes we have to really advocate for ourselves and a protocol that we are comfortable with. I can't do that from an emotional place.
So much of the time spent on IF Island is time spent Up In The Air, in this space of unknown and wonder and worry. It's a space of unanswered questions and desperate hopes. It's trying to get one toe on the ground, one foot to stabilize, but knowing that feeling grounded and secure is a long way away. Comfortable with uncertainty may be the ultimate goal, but being able to take a breath with a large looming question mark over my head may be the best I can do.
Going to take one breath at a time today. Thanks for all the love. The IF community is really the best. When a fellow solider is down, you all come to rescue. Sending so much gratitude.
I think we all will become Zen masters by the time we get off the island :-)) wow..nowadays nothing seems to affect me too badly..best wishes and lots of love to all of you..
Posted by: Prea | June 04, 2014 at 07:28 PM
You have such a positive attitude, keep it up! sending you well wishes!
Posted by: devon | June 04, 2014 at 03:29 PM
Maya - what clinic are you going to in Seattle? I'm from Seattle and had a great Dr here - not talking to you for two weeks seems crazy! I had a somewhat similar situation after Lupron screwed me up too...feel free to email me if you like and we can chat more. *hugs*
Posted by: Samantha | June 04, 2014 at 10:22 AM