Why Don't We Just Adopt?

I received a comment on my last post that presented this question. It isn't a bad question, it's actually one that people on IF Island have to field all the time. My mother-in-law asks me this question frequently. She's concerned about all the meds in my body and how emotionally challenging the medical route to parenthood has been. Adoption is a wonderful choice for many people, but my answer to this commenter and others who pose this question, is that we don't adopt because we are just not there yet.

The comment was followed by a second comment by the same person, accusing me of being "selfish" for not adopting because there are underprivileged children in the world. I immediately wondered if this commenter goes up to pregnant women who conceived easily and accuses them of the same thing? Are they being selfish for getting pregnant when they could have adopted, because there are in fact children who already exist who need homes? Or am I just selfish because I'm infertile? All people can potentially adopt. One thing that needs clarification is that there is no such thing as "just adopting" as people often ask. If there was a baby store where I could go and pick one out and dance home, I would have done that a long time ago. Adoption is a process and it can be long, heartbreaking, and expensive. Just like medical treatments. The difference is, one hopes that with adoption there is a baby guaranteed at the end of the process.

What feels more selfish to me is going through a process that you aren't ready for. If we are not ready to adopt, that means our minds and hearts are not in it yet. We haven't closed the chapter on my body and it doesn't seem fair to myself, my husband, or any adopted child we have, if we enter the adoption process with hesitation or resentment or unresolved feelings of wanting to carry a baby. Are people who decide to live without children selfish because they could be giving an underprivileged child a home? No. I don't think so. They are doing what is best for them, and that is what most of us have to do every day of our lives. Each person/couple has to go through the steps that make sense to them before coming to the next best plan. That's being responsible and honest with yourself. There is no right or wrong, there is only what's right for an individual/couple at a given point in time. What is right changes, and it is very likely Noah and I end up traditionally adopting at some point. We have no issues raising an adopted child. It's the process and paperwork that feels daunting and the sadness for me of not being able to carry. And if/when we do get to that point we know it will be when we are completely ready to embrace the process and the child. It is a decision that only the two of us can make for ourselves, and a decision we hope others can respect.

Noah and I have actually met with three different adoption agencies, in search of one that is a good fit for us. We found a non-profit in LA (called IAC) that we liked, and I have their stack of paperwork sitting on my desk. We also looked into adopting through the foster care system, and felt it wasn't the right fit for us. As a social worker myself, I have somewhat of a sense of what it would take to adopt an older child through this system, and I don't think that is something we are ready for. Yet.

We have had to give up on having a baby in a time line that makes sense for us, in a way that we want. We have had to accept the exorbitant expense of creating our family and we try not to let it upset us that so many people can do this easily, for free! We have had to let go of my genetic contribution, and now Noah's contribution. Embryo adoption makes the most sense for us right now because it is affordable and gives me the chance at something I desperately want to experience, pregnancy. I know that may also be something I have to eventually let go of, but a donated embryo will give me the best possible chance of at least trying. Does that make me selfish? For wanting to have that experience? For wanting to grow our baby with my blood and love and the foods I eat? Perhaps.

Many people want to have a family and each person on IF Island has the added stress of having to choose the best way to do that for themselves. Every choice is a compromise on IF Island. And perhaps we all need to be a little selfish when making these tough choices. What feels best for us will be best for the child we have, I strongly believe that. None of us want to have to make decisions about how to make a baby--we want to have a glass of wine and a magical night in bed and not even have to think about any of this stuff. But for many of us, that's not in our cards. So we need to do what is best for ourselves and our relationships and our life styles, and if that's selfish, so be it. To me, it's being thoughtful and self-aware and intuitive and strong. 

Comments

[JCS]

Maya, this is a terrific blog that has given me so much comfort during my struggles with miscarriage. You are so brave for putting it all out there and giving us readers a daily dose of strength and hope as we navigate our own fertility journeys.

I completely understand your feelings on adoption and my husband and I actually feel the same way. We simply aren't at that point. Before we even tried IVF, friends would ask if we'd considered adoption. I always felt like "whoa... slow down there!" Like we should be allowed to try all our options at having a child with our genetics and not throw in the towel immediately because things weren't easy. I honestly think these questions come from a place of love, that people just want your problem to be solved and for you to be happy so adoption seems like a good solution. It just isn't that simple. Whatever you decide to do- ART, IVF, IUI, Donor Eggs, Donor Embryos, Adoption, etc.- it has to feel right.

Thank you again, Maya. You and your blog are awesome!!!

[devon]

Maya, what a great post and so very well spoken. How awful that someone would write here with their ignorant comments.

[Dawn]

It saddens me that anyone could call an infertile "selfish". We each have our own path to creating our families, but those of us on the island do everything we can think of, sometimes, no matter how crazy, to just have 1 baby. And I don't think it's the least bit selfish to take your time to make such a huge, important decision as choosing to adopt is. Thank you for this well said post!!!

[Mel]

Great post, well said Maya!

[Laura]

I completely agree that adopting is a process as well. Many people have asked us the same question and I respond with "we just aren't there". It is an extremely personal decision that should not be rushed into. We will most likely look into adoption ourselves but we feel that we should give ourselves every chance presented to us. As for people who display no sensitivity, I hope that they realize how hurtful those words can be. I find that often times, when people make comments, they are remarking on situations that they have no first hand experience of. Hang tough everyone...we will get there!! In whatever way we choose!! :)

[JVJK]

I always wonder if the people asking that question have kids of their own - and if they are home made or adopted. I assume they have adopted since THEY aren't selfish...

Ps it's the same here in Sweden.

[Cheryl]

Thank you for a well thought response that truly speaks for the majority of us! We've all heard the "just adopt" at some point or another. When one ONLY sees "raising a child" as the resolution, one fails to understand the gravity and scope of loss that is suffered. Yes, I can adopt. But it does not take away the pain of never feeling the joy and excitement of pregnancy, never feeling my baby move inside me, never bonding through nursing, never seeing me nor my husband in their eyes or smile... You are not selfish. Not for a minute.

[Janet]

Wow Maya I just read Ashley's comments. I think you were being too kind with her and took the higher road. Her ignorance is astounding but unfortunately there are many like her. Pay no attention to the troll.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all for commenting and sharing. This whole process of medical baby making is very personal and each person is absolutely entitled to make their own decisions. I hope this blog can be a safe space for people to share their decisions and get support and love. Phaira-- good luck on #2! I'm sending lots of love your way! Lauren, you make me laugh. I actually didn't know what a troll was until yesterday. Thank you AShley MIller for teaching me something new! Christy--thanks for your prayers. I also hope you can find a way to heal your heart. It does take time. ;) Corynn!

[Lauren]

I had to restrain myself from fanning Ashley Miller's troll flames yesterday. I knew you'd write a thoughtful and well-crafted response. Kudos.

[Christiana]

Good answer. We struggle to respond politely to similar comments. Generally a scathing reply about their personal appearance or mental health erupts from mouth. Can you tell I am still working through the patching together of my broken heart? Your blog keeps me going sometimes and I am praying for no flow this month for you. Burrow baby burrow!!
Love, Christy

[Corynn]

Very well said.

[phaira]

Being in a same sex relationship, people often jump to the question of "why don't you just adopt", or the question of having children doesn't even come up because they assume we don't want them in the first place. Our desire to have a child isn't any different from anyone else. We have been on IF island now for almost 4 years, we have been side railed by a cervical cancer diagnosis, were lucky to have a "uterus sparing" surgery as we only have one between us (my partner had a hysterectomy many years ago). We've been through a year of unsuccessful IUIs and one unsuccessful IVF, with donor sperm. We are currently gearing up for IVF #2 and as hopeful as you try to be, the process itself is such a daunting, mentally and emotionally exhausting one. So no, we are not there yet either. We too have nothing against adoption, we simply aren't there yet.