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June 13, 2014


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Maya, this is a terrific blog that has given me so much comfort during my struggles with miscarriage. You are so brave for putting it all out there and giving us readers a daily dose of strength and hope as we navigate our own fertility journeys.

I completely understand your feelings on adoption and my husband and I actually feel the same way. We simply aren't at that point. Before we even tried IVF, friends would ask if we'd considered adoption. I always felt like "whoa... slow down there!" Like we should be allowed to try all our options at having a child with our genetics and not throw in the towel immediately because things weren't easy. I honestly think these questions come from a place of love, that people just want your problem to be solved and for you to be happy so adoption seems like a good solution. It just isn't that simple. Whatever you decide to do- ART, IVF, IUI, Donor Eggs, Donor Embryos, Adoption, etc.- it has to feel right.

Thank you again, Maya. You and your blog are awesome!!!


Maya, what a great post and so very well spoken. How awful that someone would write here with their ignorant comments.


It saddens me that anyone could call an infertile "selfish". We each have our own path to creating our families, but those of us on the island do everything we can think of, sometimes, no matter how crazy, to just have 1 baby. And I don't think it's the least bit selfish to take your time to make such a huge, important decision as choosing to adopt is. Thank you for this well said post!!!


Great post, well said Maya!


I completely agree that adopting is a process as well. Many people have asked us the same question and I respond with "we just aren't there". It is an extremely personal decision that should not be rushed into. We will most likely look into adoption ourselves but we feel that we should give ourselves every chance presented to us. As for people who display no sensitivity, I hope that they realize how hurtful those words can be. I find that often times, when people make comments, they are remarking on situations that they have no first hand experience of. Hang tough everyone...we will get there!! In whatever way we choose!! :)


I always wonder if the people asking that question have kids of their own - and if they are home made or adopted. I assume they have adopted since THEY aren't selfish...

Ps it's the same here in Sweden.


Thank you for a well thought response that truly speaks for the majority of us! We've all heard the "just adopt" at some point or another. When one ONLY sees "raising a child" as the resolution, one fails to understand the gravity and scope of loss that is suffered. Yes, I can adopt. But it does not take away the pain of never feeling the joy and excitement of pregnancy, never feeling my baby move inside me, never bonding through nursing, never seeing me nor my husband in their eyes or smile... You are not selfish. Not for a minute.


Wow Maya I just read Ashley's comments. I think you were being too kind with her and took the higher road. Her ignorance is astounding but unfortunately there are many like her. Pay no attention to the troll.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Thank you all for commenting and sharing. This whole process of medical baby making is very personal and each person is absolutely entitled to make their own decisions. I hope this blog can be a safe space for people to share their decisions and get support and love. Phaira-- good luck on #2! I'm sending lots of love your way! Lauren, you make me laugh. I actually didn't know what a troll was until yesterday. Thank you AShley MIller for teaching me something new! Christy--thanks for your prayers. I also hope you can find a way to heal your heart. It does take time. ;) Corynn!


I had to restrain myself from fanning Ashley Miller's troll flames yesterday. I knew you'd write a thoughtful and well-crafted response. Kudos.


Good answer. We struggle to respond politely to similar comments. Generally a scathing reply about their personal appearance or mental health erupts from mouth. Can you tell I am still working through the patching together of my broken heart? Your blog keeps me going sometimes and I am praying for no flow this month for you. Burrow baby burrow!!
Love, Christy


Very well said.


Being in a same sex relationship, people often jump to the question of "why don't you just adopt", or the question of having children doesn't even come up because they assume we don't want them in the first place. Our desire to have a child isn't any different from anyone else. We have been on IF island now for almost 4 years, we have been side railed by a cervical cancer diagnosis, were lucky to have a "uterus sparing" surgery as we only have one between us (my partner had a hysterectomy many years ago). We've been through a year of unsuccessful IUIs and one unsuccessful IVF, with donor sperm. We are currently gearing up for IVF #2 and as hopeful as you try to be, the process itself is such a daunting, mentally and emotionally exhausting one. So no, we are not there yet either. We too have nothing against adoption, we simply aren't there yet.

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