Are You There Momo? It's Me, Mama

Just like many others in the 2ww, I really wish I could feel something. Or better yet, I wish I didn't think I felt everything. A flutter, a cramp, a twinge...ugh. The Google ban is still in effect so there are no pseudo explanations for my real or imagined "symptoms." I have to think anything I may be feeling today is related to the fries I gorged on last night. Again. It wasn't a "craving," it was me throwing in the towel to ever fitting into my skinny jeans again. At least for now. Don't tell Noah. 

Yesterday, I made a folder on my computer desktop called MOMOTARO. I dragged four documents into the folder: one labeled EGG PROVIDER followed by a three digit number. One labeled SPERM PROVIDER with a matching three digit number. One labeled CONSENT. And one screen grab photo of the egg donor as a child. That's what I have of Momo's family history.  Three pieces of paper and a copy of an old photo. Well, that's all I have of Momo's genetic family history. The history of how he/she came to be (if in fact he/she comes to be) is in another folder on my desktop called BOOK. I'm two years and 297 pages in and still waiting for my ending. This child will actually have quite a history and will always know how badly he/she was wanted. Noah says it best in this video clip from over a year ago, when we didn't know embryo adoption was even an option. So that's what I've doing with my 2ww. Scrapbooking. 

Several IF Island buddies have written in about being somewhere in the 2ww and to all of you, all I can say is I'm sorry and congrats. I'm so happy to be here, to know I have a chance right now, to know something magical could possibly be happening deep inside my french fry filled belly. That's really all I should focus on. The gratitude of being able to be here-- finally. But the wait is just torture. I keep telling myself it's just another day but...who am I kidding? Another day I get to cross off the medication calendar, as if I'm wishing the days and weeks away. How can I commit to living the days of my life fully when all I really feel like I'm doing is distracting myself enough to get to Monday?

Sometimes I get sad thinking about how I've spent years like this. Gearing up for a cycle, getting through a cycle, and recovering from the aftermath. And repeat. The other day my mom asked me how many IVF cycles we have done over the past two plus years, and I had to think about it. I wasn't sure what counted. Do the five months of false starts leading up to our first and only IVF using my eggs count? It cost us in time and money and brain space. Does the round with my sister count as an IVF cycle, even though she went through the actual stimulation part? I think so. If the actual number of procedures counts--we can throw in a laparoscopy and IUI's and clomid rounds, and FET's, if we are really keeping tally-- but I think it's more about the lifestyle of an IF Islander that takes a serious toll. With every 2ww I think I gain four gray hairs and three forehead wrinkles. 

My 2ww is now down to a 4 day wait. I've actually been doing ok this time. I've been repeating my mantra: "It is or it isn't," and trying to focus at work and keep myself occupied. My mantra is kind of blunt, but it's true. And somehow it helps stop my obsessive thoughts from dancing circles around my skull. I kind of yell it to myself in my head and my brain goes, "Jeez, ok, that's kinda harsh." I feel like Karl Pilkington having this conversation with my own brain, but y'all know what I'm getting at.

Good luck to anyone else out there in the 2ww! One more day down. Noah just walked in and said, "time for your butt breakfast." Sometimes we just have to laugh at the insanity.

If you haven't yet voted for the blog for RESOLVE'S Hope Award, please take 30 seconds to do so by clicking here or on the badge at the side of the page or below. 

Comments

[phaira]

"Butt breakfast" is the best! Finding humour amid the chaos is sometimes the only way to cope!
Whole body crossed for you guys. xo

[WBC]

I am pulling for you, Noah, and Momo! I hope so so much that you will get to experience the joy of a BFP. But I have to tell you that even afterwards, the wait continues, it's just a different kind of waiting. I've been dealing with on and off spotting (ugh) and now every day is a wait- for it to stop, or get worse, or to get to my first scan.
Good luck and I am thinking of you...

[Mel]

Everything crossed for you Maya, good luck! x

[Weylin]

Hang in there Maya! Rooting for you, from half a world away and sending you all the sticky vibes between us. The 2WW is exquisite torture, you're almost done.

[kelly]

thinking of you, so much love to you..

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all for rooting for us! It means a lot! Hi Tami--seriously! The symptoms are exactly the same. I'm convinced aunt flow is knocking at my door but am just trying to ignore it. I so wish I could push the fast forward button right now. Congrats Jayne! It helps to hear that people do in fact get pregnant, and I can imagine it take a while before it feels real. Then, yes, the anxiety really begins I suppose. Love to all of you!

[Dawn]

I'm praying you get good news next week, Maya and Noah!! Try to enjoy your weekend. :)

[Deb]

Voted! I hope you get to celebrate at the Resolve event in November, but that you can't partake of the cocktails because of Momo. I'm really rooting for you.

[Jayne]

I so hope this works for you guys, Maya!! I found your blog during my 2ww (after several IVF cycles and complications ~ and it ALL counts!!). I am 15 weeks tomorrow ~ I still feel closer to where you are in the process then where I'm at now, crazy as that sounds... I'll keep checking in, to keep an eye out for your good news!!!

[A Few Good Eggs]

Butt breakfast cracks me up. Here's to the next 4 days flying by and good news on Monday!

[Samantha]

Stay positive Maya! I am hoping Momo is in this for the long haul! *hugs*

[Kristine]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! To Dina: I got to vote and I'm living abroad. The only problem I got was when I didn't write a zip code. As long as I put my foreign zip code everything was fine!

[Dani]

For me, the closer I was to test day the harder it got - emotional torture of epic proportions. But you're doing it! You're hanging in there like the champ that you are. Keep on keeping' on. Four more sleeps (if you can manage to sleep)! Fingers crossed that you'll soon be in the next phase of anxiety - the second blood test, first scan, second scan... That'll be sweet.

[Tami]

Another crazy thing about the 2ww is the symptoms of being preggo are the SAME as pre aunt flow! As if we haven't been through enough right!??? I swore up and down my period was coming. Same exact symptoms and it never did. This is what I am praying for you Maya!,, hang in there:)

[Dina]

I would have voted for you but the contest doesn't allow people living abroad to vote.

I'm hoping it will work it out for you this time.

[Lisa]

LOL butt breakfast! Hang in there. You're almost there!