If anyone is going to find an answer to that question, it's obviously going to be me. Queen of, "this isn't totally normal, but..." So I got my beta results. And there is a number. 23. Which is higher than 1 and .5 and 0, which were some of my previous beta numbers. But the nurse in Seattle said the number is low. They are looking for 50 or above. The internet says a zillion and five things. I designated one friend to be on "research" duty to find out what this means and apparently what it means is that I have to wait until Wednesday to see if my number increases. The Seattle nurse said they want to see an increase of 60%.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sooo...
This is the closest I've gotten, but outlook doesn't seem so good. Could it be a chemical pregnancy? An ectopic? A cruel tease? A slow implanter? A miracle in the waiting? Another EXTREME test of patience? (I have a PhD in patience now, I think I'm ready to move on to whatever comes next.)
If I didn't want to cry so badly I think I'd be laughing. This just doesn't feel funny. This feels like I'm hanging off a cliff by an almost transparent piece of string. But as Noah reminded me, we're not dead yet. I don't know if I should start mentally preparing for the other shoe to drop, to start letting go, or if I should stay hopeful. I think as long as there is another breath left, I'll take it. That's all I can do. In this moment I have a number. A low number, but a number nonetheless. And I have the entire season 2 of Orange is the New Black. So I'll binge watch until my next beta on Weds and hope that my anxiety doesn't kill me before then.
Thank you all so much for all the support and well wishes and VOTES!
Stay tuned...
Oh, Maya. This is not the update I was hoping to find but I'm praying and hoping for you that Wednesday brings good news and a miraculously high beta. I am sure it is impossible to be optimistic right now, so the rest of us will have to be optimistic for you. Thinking of you and Noah and Momo.
Posted by: A Few Good Eggs | July 22, 2014 at 01:53 PM
Thank you all soooo much from the bottom of my aching heart! Your stories and support mean so much. For those of you who have been in a similar, confusing situation and have had positive outcomes, congrats and thanks for the reminder that anything is possible. For those who haven't had that miracle, I'm sorry, I feel ya and appreciate knowing you're all still standing (I hope), as it's a reminder that I will be ok and something will work--eventually. No matter what tomorrow brings, So much love to you all.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | July 22, 2014 at 10:38 AM
You are pupo, believe that this is your shot! I hope to be getting the same news this Friday. Be patient and keep thinking positive thoughts!
Posted by: Allison | July 22, 2014 at 09:17 AM
Oh Maya, I am hoping and praying that number increases like it needs to by Wednesday!!! In the meantime, enjoy "Orange is the New Black". Hubby and I are obsessed with it and up to episode 13 already. Keeping you and Noah in my prayers! Hugs!!!!
Posted by: Dawn | July 22, 2014 at 09:13 AM
I bet one of the first questions you asked was: "Haven't we already waited enough?!" The truth for us, infertiles , is that waiting is a huge part of our lives up until we can hold our baby. No earlier than that..
Even though it seems like torture, it is just two days - one now. And yes, I've known of healthy, successful pregnancies that started off with lower beta numbers than yours.
Be positive, talk to the bean, relax as much as it's possible.
Keeping fingers crossed for nice doubling numbers. :)
Posted by: Kas | July 22, 2014 at 09:07 AM
Just breathe Maya and continue to hold onto hope.
Thinking of you guys. xo
You are going to love Season 2 of OITNB!
Posted by: phaira | July 22, 2014 at 08:22 AM
Oh Goodness this is some Happy News. I was thinking about you all day yesterday. I am hoping for an even more positive outcome and doubling numbers on your Beta!!!
I'm still waiting to hear the results of ours but will know tomorrow.
Posted by: Denise | July 22, 2014 at 07:58 AM
I've also been reading your blog for awhile, but this is my first time commenting. I did my first IVF back in February, and my first beta was also 23. My nurses also told me they wanted it above 50 and needed to have a 75% increase. Well, my second beta was 44, so it met the requirement but was still below 50. My third beta unfortunately was also 44 and I was finally labeled a chemical pregnancy. I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that my story does not become your story. I found PLENTY of ladies online who had low or lower betas than 23 and had healthy children come out of it. I wasn't one of them, but I did go on to have a successul FET and am now almost 11 weeks pregnant.
Posted by: Maggie | July 22, 2014 at 06:29 AM
This is not the unequivocally joyous news I was hoping for for you two, but I still have a lot of hope for you. Please take it easy until Wednesday. Lots of nice, long walks in parks and deep breaths. Sending you peace and fortitude along with good luck.
Posted by: Deb | July 22, 2014 at 06:18 AM
Am holding in my arms a wriggly 3 week old whose first beta was 22. The next was 56 and we doubled + over the next 2 betas. I was a crazy google-er over those days, it was brutal. Hoping this turns out great for you.. Thinking positive thoughts!
Posted by: Anne | July 22, 2014 at 06:02 AM
I'm so sorry Maya and Noah. I have been following your story for awhile now and love your blog (and yes, I voted for you!!). I feel your pain - I am literally in the exact same position. First beta was a whopping 6.32, second was 14 (yesterday), and now I wait for the third. This beta purgatory is awful, but I keep thinking to myself that I am so lucky to have a little bean clinging on inside of me. I am praying for you guys that little Momo keeps fighting and digs in for long haul.
Posted by: R | July 22, 2014 at 05:55 AM
I know it must feel like the purgatory just continues, and incremental success means little when what you really want is to count fingers and toes, but today you are pregnant! PUPO! I hope Weds brings more good news for you.
Posted by: WBC | July 21, 2014 at 10:27 PM
Congrats Beautiful Mommy!!! beta tests should be illegal (just sayin') so many stories of low betas becoming beautiful babies. Stay positive!!! In 40 weeks you'll be holding your gorgeous Baby. I'll be praying for a healthy and easy pregnancy!!
Posted by: Julie | July 21, 2014 at 10:11 PM
Stay hopeful! Sometimes hope is all we have... And it's always better not to freak out until it's time to freak out. In this case, I hope you get awesome news that makes you fareeeeak out, baby!
You've got this far, which is further than you've ever got before. Just keep breathing...
Posted by: Lauren | July 21, 2014 at 08:56 PM
Oh Maya!! I had a similar thing happen with a FET. I remember them telling me that because they didn't give me any type of HCG, like with the fresh cycles and the trigger shot, it has to come from whatever is going on in there. It also doesn't matter what that number is, as long as it increases. Whatever the outcome, you'll know on Wednesday ~ I know it totally sucks to have to wait until then.... Thinking of you guys!
Posted by: Jayne | July 21, 2014 at 07:29 PM
Hang in there! You are so tough and so amazing. So many of us are rooting for you guys and wishing you all the love and support that you are so generously sharing with us through your writing.
Posted by: J | July 21, 2014 at 06:26 PM
Yes Maya you are. Your body is doing it. This is the first time it's been "P" your body is doing it! For the first time ever!
Posted by: Tami | July 21, 2014 at 05:53 PM
Oh, Maya. I feel your pain. This was our EXACT situation a few weeks ago. First POSITIVE result EVER...but a measly 11. It was a MAYBE. Really?!? A MAYBE?!? Yes, technically pregnant...but then they beat around he bush saying 'could be late implantation...blah, blah, blah.' Left me to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst (doing this 3 years does that to you. sorry...hope I'm not a Debbie Downer!). Second test went up to 18.5...still rising. Then we had to 'wait it out' over the longest weekend of my life. Sad to say ours didn't end up viable...but I am just as hopeful (if not more) for you that it's late implantation!! It does happen! I read every internet article available!! My friend said she had 5 no's, 1 yes, and 1 maybe. And the maybe was by far the hardest one. I am sending so much positive thoughts your way. I know the mixed emotions you are feeling. Hang on to that glimmer of hope!
Posted by: Becky | July 21, 2014 at 05:33 PM
My second beta was 4 days later and was 74. I had to do a third which was only two days later and was 150. Definitely a slow start but made a beautiful baby.
Posted by: Jojo | July 21, 2014 at 05:23 PM
You don't know me but I have been following your story for awhile and checking in all day to see your results....
I did IVF 4 years ago - My first beta was 39 and the nurse said the same thing to me - "don't get too excited, your number is low, we like to see higher then 50 etc".... my next beta was 105 and that little one is now 3 years old...There is a lot of information out there that will tell you that the 2nd beta number is way more important and telling as to what is going on in there.
Keep the hope and I will cross my fingers and toes for you that you have a sticky baby in there :)
Jasmine
Posted by: Jasmine | July 21, 2014 at 05:21 PM
Thanks guys. Laura and Jojo-the hopeful stories REALLY help, thank you! Jojo, do you remember your second beta number? Hi Tami! Am I? The nurse was soooo hesitant. She said, "technically" I am... the P word, but the number was so low she wasn't very hopeful. I suppose I am PUPO--which I recently learned. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I really hope nothing proves me otherwise. Ugh.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | July 21, 2014 at 05:14 PM
Sending you a ton of love and good vibes!! I know what it's like to fear the other shoe dropping, but, you got a positive test and that's a beautiful, life-affirming thing! Sending so much love your way and prayers for you and your little one.
Posted by: Laura | July 21, 2014 at 05:09 PM
Ummm Maya.... You are pregnant :)
Posted by: Tami | July 21, 2014 at 04:41 PM
I can only imagine how frustrated you are. I know it's cliche but hang in there and keep hope until you know. I've been thinking of you. Fingers and toes crossed and continued prayers coming your way.
Posted by: Kay | July 21, 2014 at 04:37 PM
I have a friend that started with a similar beta at her first blood draw. It was so low that she didn't get a positive HPT until about 20+ days past ovulation. She has a healthy 3 year old now. Hang on to that other shoe! This pregnancy can still be viable.
Posted by: Laura R. | July 21, 2014 at 04:27 PM