Is This Normal?

On Saturday night I was jarred awake by an intense pain in my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom to see if that would relieve the pain, but it didn’t, and immediately I started to sweat and fear the worst. I was convinced I was having an ectopic and my tube was going to explode and I would die from internal bleeding. I tried to calm down but the pain was there and it was for reals. I have had some cramping all week, off and on, which can be “normal” according to the internet. But this feeling was different. Noah tried to calm me down but I was a wreck. We decided if the pain didn’t subside in an hour we would go to the emergency room, and I got in bed and tried to breath through it while Noah Googled all the possibilities. And there were a lot of possibilities. After 30 minutes the pain decreased, and after 45 minutes it was practically gone, and I fell back asleep, gripping my belly and hoping that Momo was still in there. How was your Saturday night?

 

Not knowing what to expect is scary. It is one of the hardest things about infertility treatments and about this next grayish area where I’ve just landed. Even when you’re given some parameters of what is supposed to happen, it rarely turns out how you thought it was going to be.

 

The only thing normal about infertility is uncertainty. Not only are the treatments foreign in the beginning, but you also don’t know when you’re going to get out. Years ago, if someone said to me, “this is going to be a nightmare and you’ll go through all kinds of devastating things, but in 2015 you’ll have your baby,” I could have gone through it, no problem. The physical and emotional pain--all of it. With bells on, if I knew my outdate. But it doesn’t work like that. Often with infertility as things fail to work, you get more (sometimes less) information that somehow often makes the situation worse. All the while your bank account and relationships and spirit are running out like sand through an hourglass. This uncertainty, I’m learning, doesn’t really stop even when you have rising beta numbers. I’m still feeling it now. It’s as if I was able to purchase the ferry ticket off the Island, but now I’m just waiting. I don’t know if a boat is going to show up. I don’t know if my ride will be cancelled due to technical difficulties, or an unexpected storm coming in. I don’t know if I’ll finally be able to step aboard and then the ship will sink. Or if it will indeed take me to the other side of all this.  I’m still living with that uncertainty.

 

The trauma of the last four years have primed me to expect the worst. I simply know too much about what can go wrong. So when something doesn’t feel right, alarm bells go off in my body. It’s completely physical, and though my brain can tell me everything is ok, my body starts to freak out. I know it’s because in every situation I’ve been in thus far, the other shoe has dropped. Imagining a different outcome, a positive outcome is something I’ve had to work on. A lot. A friend of mine is a hypnotherapist and she has been helping me do this. She has been tapping into my unconscious self to be able to trust my body again, and envision all things positive. I’m getting better. I feel hopeful and positive about Momo. But the other night I remembered my deep seeded fear and knew I had a lot more work to do on letting go of that trauma.

 

What helps me and has helped me through this process are different success stories. As part of the documentary Noah and I have been making, we’ve interviewed a variety of people/couples who have found their way off the Island. Though it doesn’t seem like it, all of us will get off. Sometimes it is with a resolution we never fathomed.

 

Tammy is at the far end of the hope spectrum. She and her husband had multiple factors (one of which was actually a prescription medication her husband was on that the didn't know was negatively impacting his sperm) and were essentially told they would never conceive naturally. After several years and multiple inseminations, IVF with donor eggs was recommended. Well, Tammy, who was over 40, did conceive her baby girl naturally, proving that we never really know what’s going to happen on our journey.

 

 

 

Even though Tammy might be an unusual case, it helps me to remember anything can happen. Noah and I have met a lot of people who, after years of treatments, have found a resolution to their infertility crisis. Noah and I never imagined that we would be here, crossing our fingers to hear a heartbeat at our August 8^th ultrasound. I never thought I’d be a little pregnant with a teeny tiny bean of human life that isn’t genetically related to me or my husband. I never thought I’d be a little pregnant, period. Infertility feels so never ending. But I’m trying to convince myself that perhaps this is my resolution in the making. I’m trying to create a new new normal, yet again. 

Comments

[Kerry]

Thank you for putting your story out there. I found your blog over a year ago. Given the fact that I probably found it in the middle of the night, during an IF meltdon, I quickly then forgot the URL, and I always wondered what happened with you guys. Over the past several years, my husband and I ave had 4 miscarriages and several failed IVF treatments. We are in the middle of another cycle right now (probably our last before we move to donor eggs). I read so much about the people for whom IVF works, and although I hate that we there are ANY people for whom it fails, I'm grateful to read your blog. I feel a bit less like a freak hiding in an otherwise average 34 year old's body. I relate to so much of what you have shared.
I wish you all the luck and love in the world on your journey. I hope this one takes, but if not, please keep the faith. I know myself how hard it is to keep picking yourself up. But I can't imagine you guys won't get there eventually with the preserverance you have demonstrated.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Karissa--He is a fighter! At 23 weeks you seem well on your way but I get feeling anxious until you can count fingers and toes. Congrats to you and I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful and easy. Is there such a thing? A Few Good Eggs--I can't even imagine what that would be like. A good friend of ours had two miscarriages and a stillbirth at 8 1/2 months but now has a beautiful 2 year old and is pregnant again. Stories like these make me shiver. That is some serious resilience. I'm so happy that you're pregnant again and wish you so much luck! Thanks for sharing. Jojo--I feel like maybe I'm following in your footsteps! Similar betas, the cramping. Thanks you for commenting!! It really helps me and I'm sure others who are going through this, and the fact that you're holding your little one makes it all seem like it's going to be ok. Christina and Laura--yes! I am lucky (I think, for now) and you are so right that relaxing is WAY easier said than done. Weird stuff is happening to and in our bodies, how relaxed can we get, right? Julie--thanks for posting this. I am fine to have cramping for 40 weeks if it means Momo is just going to be big an strong. Though...I didn't really think about the fact that the egg donor is like twice my size! She is 7 inches taller than I am and over 50 lbs heavier... does that mean I may have to blast a giant child out of my...omg...I'm not going to think about that. Thank you Mrs. T, glad you enjoyed the video. Tammy is wonderful and her little girl is the cutest! Jill--Pregnant after one IVF! Score girl! I hope all the IVF Virgins out there read that, it's so hopeful! Thanks to everyone for sharing and following along..

[Jili_n]

I'm so happy for you Maya! i've been following your blog for a while and i'm truly happy that you're pregnant. I was so lucky to get pregnant after 1st round ivf and now, looking back at the time i took my betas and peed on sticks...i wish i had enjoyed that moment more! I know it's hard, infertility does that to you. And we know so much about what could go wrong, much more than our friends and other women that just get pregnant as soon as they decide to. But you should think that ur IF journey is now over! It's time to move on to the next chapter of being just like any pregnant woman out there and yes, there is a chance for ectopic or chemical or miscarriages, but that unfortunately can happen to anyone. So, try to savour the moment, because it happens once that you are pregnant for the first time!! We can only hope for the best, so take care of yourself and your little family.

[Mr Thompson and Me]

You, my dear, are AMAZING! The video gave me hope. Thank you for that...

Fingers crossed.

[Julie]

I had the worst but I mean the worst cramps ever in the begining of my pregnancy those cramps lasted 40 weeks as my belly started growing I realized after every episode of the cramps my stomach would be a little bigger. It's your uterus making room for your Momo. I also had some brown spotting also totally normal. 😉 So happy for you!!!

[Laura]

It true that the only thing that is certain is uncertainty. I don't think people understand how much of a told IF takes on the mind and body. We do know too much and the days of being blissfully unaware are long gone. We just hope and trust in our partners that what is meant to be will be. Relaxing is much easier said than done!!

[Christiana]

You are SO LUCKY! Hang on to that and keep moving forward. You have a chance to get off the island.

[Jojo]

I had terrible pains in the beginning off and on as well as crazy clear fluid leaking that I was positive meant I was doomed. Holding my miracle baby today! Hang in there- your body knows what to do to keep growing little Momo.

[A Few Good Eggs]

The uncertainty IS totally normal and it sounds like you are doing what you can to get through it. After being told we'd never have our own children (because of DOR), I miraculously got pregnant and got through what I thought were the "tough" weeks (e.g., we had a normal 20-week scan) only to have a horrific clotting event and a stillborn baby. I've found that just when I thought I could relax, the worst possible thing, something I never expected to happen, happened.

That said, I am, miraculously, pregnant again. The uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, etc. is still there, but I also know that so much of this is out of my hands. I try to do the best I can, follow the doctors' instructions, etc. and hope that at the end of this, we have a living baby. And I try to stay positive! We'll all be here with you throughout your journey!

[karissa]

Its such a normal feeling and your so right about that after going through all of this we just know all of the things that can go wrong and it makes everything so much scarier. Once we finally got pregnant I thought we made it past the hard part but it opened a whole new set of emotions I was not prepared for and now here I am at 23 weeks and those feelings are still there im hopeful but scared none the less I just take it day by day. In the beginning I started to bleed and cramp and was told I was going to lose my little boy and that was so much worse than any of the procedures but he is a fighter and here we stand. Dont be too hard on yourself I am so excited and hopeful for you sending positivity your way!