I'm still on first. Huffing. Getting to first base is a big deal for me. Have I mentioned I've been accused of running "backwards in slow motion"? I won't say by whom. Noah's up to bat. A lefty, wearing his lucky high black socks. He squints into the outfield trying to strategize his hit. First pitch he swings for the fences. It's a hit! He drops the bat and hustles towards first screaming at me to, "stop running backwards in slow motion!" Um-hm. I make it to third, Noah stops at second. A double. My beta was 173.
I can hear in my dad's voice that he's ecstatic. And nervous. He told me not to, "eat raw fish." As if I haven't been avoiding raw fish for FOUR YEARS! Everyone wants to say the P word, but I'm not ready for that yet. I don't know how to feel. It's another base hit. Another hurdle jumped over. Another step forward. All I can think about are people on IF Island who didn't get good news today. My heart goes out to you.
Now we wait and get an ultrasound either at the end of next week or the beginning of August to see if Momo knows how to smile for the camera yet. I emailed my RE here and he just responded that I should come in for an ultrasound. I wrote him back asking if it's ok to feel happy. He wrote back, "yes." So I will allow myself to be happy. In this moment. The only moment I've got. It's so hard not to let the sense memories and trauma of the last four years creep into my brain, but I've got to fight that off. There is no room for that now.
This morning I imagined an internal dialogue between Momo and my uterus (who I've just named Utilda). The conversation went something like this:
Momo (looking around, frightened): Ummm. Where am I?
Utilda (snoring): Zzzzzzzzzzzz….
Momo: Excuse me? Anyone out there? It’s dark and…really warm and squishy in here. The last placed I lived was friggin’ freezing!
Utilda (waking up from a four year slumber): Huh? What? What’s going on?
Momo: I keep hearing the voice of a strange man telling me to “nuzzle in.” He keeps telling me he loves me and wants me to be strong. But I have no idea where I am or what I’m supposed to do here. Can you help me?
Utilda (shrugs): I just sit around, Homie. I have no idea what to do. But if you’re suppose to “nuzzle in,” there’s plenty of space. Come on over here.
Momo slowly swims over and finds a spot on Utilda and cozies up.
Momo: Mmmm. This is nice. I feel safe. Now what?
Utilda: How am I supposed to know. I don’t even know what I’m doing here.
Suddenly Utilda starts to tremble and twist and shake. (I've been having weird cramps?)
Utilda: Ahhhhh!! What’s happening? Get off me! I’m freaking out. Weird stuff is happening.
Momo (hanging on for dear life): I’m scared!! Something is…
Momo gets swallowed up by Utilda. Utilda lets out a big satisfied burp, and settles down.
Momo (voice is muffled as if talking through a thick pillow): Hello?
Utilda (rolling her eyes): You still here? I thought I got rid of you. I’m not sure about you.
Momo: Well, the man voice said to “hang on” and I did. Now I’m here. I think I’m growing quiet attached to you, Utilda. Maybe we can be friends. Maybe I can hang out with you for a while.
Utilda: I guess. It’s been lonely down here, alone, for so long. I didn’t even realize I was alive until…well, until you woke me up. Yeah. We can be friends. Stick with me, little pal, you’ll be ok.
Momo snuggles in and closes his giant shrimp-like eyes. In his sleep he starts to morph into a tiny alien-like creature. Utilda starts to stretch herself out to make room for Momo. And the man voice, calm and directive, tells them both he loves them and they will be ok. As long as they are strong and hold onto each other. Momo dreams of meeting the man voice. Momo knows he will be loved and safe. Momo knows he is finally home.
I hope Momo sticks around. I feel totally paranoid and superstitious but am trying to just be present with the facts. Maybe I'll even let myself be a little excited. Thanks to everyone for all the support. If you haven't yet voted for Resolve's Hope Award, please vote here.
Thank you everyone for all the support and well wishes! Ashley, good luck with round 1! Jennifer, you too!! Nadia, good luck with round 2! Jasmine--haha! I really had the urge to buy a bunch of tests online but then decided I didn't want to spend another cent on this crap! WBC--I like that quote. It is ok to be happy for today. Brenda--I'm so sorry. Coming off an unsuccessful cycle is terrible. There's that shock factor that lingers as you try to go through the motions of a regular day thinking, "I can't believe that just happened." It's so much effort and time and money and emotional investment. I'm so sorry and send a lot of love to your healing heart. Jayne-- congrats. I hope this is my welcome to motherhood. Thank you all for sharing and for commenting. It means a lot. I know we are all in different places of the journey--some feel better than other. But all of us Islanders are a tough group of people who will bounce back and keep on fighting for our families. I believe that. Sending so much love and luck.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | July 29, 2014 at 09:55 AM
Soooo excited for you!!! Congratulations Maya and Noah!!!!
Posted by: Kristy | July 28, 2014 at 07:19 AM
I am so happy for you!! Happy tears. Saying a prayer for all 3 of you!
Posted by: Kandie | July 28, 2014 at 06:13 AM
WOOHOO! This is amazing news!!!
Posted by: Aneonprincess.wordpress.com | July 26, 2014 at 10:42 PM
Wonderful news! Can't wait to hear more in the upcoming weeks!
Posted by: Janet | July 26, 2014 at 12:41 PM
Congratulations Maya, Noah and Momo!
Posted by: Jamie | July 26, 2014 at 10:47 AM
I have to say I'm finding the contributions of your husband, and your dad in the comments, really touching. Momo's really going to enter such a loving family. And you have so much love helping you through this journey… including from all of us in IF internet land!
Posted by: Deb | July 26, 2014 at 08:12 AM
I am so excited for you both! Yesterday I was refreshing your website all day waiting for your update. I cried when I read your post! I will continue to send positive thoughts your way and hope you are enjoying this incredible time while trying not to worry so much. Reading your blog has helped me not feel so alone and isolated. I appreciate you sharing you story so openly. You have given me hope and strength on my journey, so thank you.
Posted by: Marissa | July 26, 2014 at 04:35 AM
Congrats! This is wonderful! So happy for you guys!
Posted by: Marisa | July 26, 2014 at 04:32 AM
One small step for Momo and Utilda, one giant leap for Maya and Noah!!! :D
Just live in the now and start enjoying your time with Momo! <3
Posted by: Mie | July 26, 2014 at 01:03 AM
Wow! This is really, really good. I can imagine the nervousness and fear but each passing day brings good news. Wishing all good thoughts and high numbers for you. Go, Team Momo!
Posted by: Weylin | July 26, 2014 at 12:23 AM
Hello from England! I only found your blog yesterday and was immediately hooked. Checking for an update was the first thing I did when I woke up this morning. Amazing news to get this far. My husband and I start our first cycle of IVF on August 3rd. Must say Inhave enjoyed going to the clinic as you realise that you are not on IF island alone. Have my fingers and toes crossed that Momo keeps hanging in there!
Posted by: Jennifer | July 25, 2014 at 11:45 PM
I didn't say don't eat raw fish, I said don't eat fish. Period. Mercury levels in fish, even slight, still apparently can affect the brain. Yours seems overdeveloped, but Mom's is just starting out. Your mom and I will eat fish for you, as our brains are already fried going through this with you. Dad
Posted by: Larry | July 25, 2014 at 11:06 PM
I have been refreshing this page over and over for updates - so relieved to hear this news! Utilda is doing a sterling job bless her! Love the idea above of peeing on a load of sticks just for the heck of it...what an amazing moment to cherish. Thanks as always for letting us all in and keeping it real, I am gearing up for my first IVF cycle and I feel stronger and more hopeful thanks to this blog. Have an amazing pregnant weekend! Xxx
Posted by: Ruby | July 25, 2014 at 10:57 PM
I too have been checking in regularly with anticipation, to see what's going on with you out there in CA. I remember my first beta (156) a little over 15 weeks ago, and explaining to a friend how worried I was about my little embryo continuing to survive. Her response, "Welcome to motherhood, that worry for your little one never really goes away..." Keeping my fingers crossed that this is your official welcome to motherhood!!!
Posted by: Jayne | July 25, 2014 at 10:40 PM
i could cry im so happy for you xx you deserve to feel this happiness
Posted by: kelly | July 25, 2014 at 08:15 PM
Feeling so happy for you guys! :)
Posted by: phaira | July 25, 2014 at 07:32 PM
I have been thinking about you guys all week, and I am SO happy for you; and also so sad that you have to live in a grey area a bit longer simply because of all you've been through. You deserve to be happy, but a measured happiness is understandable, and quite frankly you are simply protecting your hundred-times-broken heart. I am just so thrilled for you but will continue sending positive thoughts your way as each month ticks by!
Posted by: KB | July 25, 2014 at 07:28 PM
You did it Maya! Congrats! I'm so happy for you and Noah. Yesterday, we learned our 4th IVF cycle has failed. We are under a dark cloud once again. But I know, with time, we'll get through it. Looking forward to your future posts on pregnancy. I can just see you now, stepped up on that boat, wind blowing through your hair, as you begin your sail away from this friggin hell hole of an island. Wishing you the best every step of the way!
Posted by: Brenda | July 25, 2014 at 05:52 PM
Such good news!! I can hear the motor revving up on the ferry off IF island! Try to enjoy it (easier said than done, I know, as I am in the same early boat as you) but a wise person with experience once told me that if something bad were to happen, I would have lots of time to be sad, so there's no need for a head start. It's ok to be happy today!
Posted by: WBC | July 25, 2014 at 05:45 PM
Praying this is the one that sticks for good! You deserve nothing but the best. Just browsed through your IVF posts and videos as we get closer to starting our first IVF cycle, and I've gotta say you are inspiring and give me hope with the way you and your husband support each other and just your outlook in general.
Posted by: Ashley | July 25, 2014 at 05:07 PM
Wow! Maya, what super news!!! I am so very happy for you and Noah even though I have never met you. Thank you for sharing these intimate moments with us. You have replenished my hope tank and I am ready to jump into my second IVF cycle full of determination. I am looking forward to hearing more good news in your next update. Enjoy the happiness of the present and have a wonderful weekend!
Posted by: Nadia | July 25, 2014 at 04:51 PM
Do yourself a favour and go pee on a bunch of sticks to see those beautiful double lines and then get a digital and watch that wonderful word pop up!!!!! Congrats :)
Posted by: Jasmine | July 25, 2014 at 04:50 PM
A happy day indeed! I'm a little without words, so I'll leave it at congrats!
Posted by: Deb | July 25, 2014 at 04:48 PM
I mean, I am totally embracing it...just scared. So thankful to everyone for the positive thoughts and prayers and well wishes. Momo is a collective effort for sure!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | July 25, 2014 at 04:46 PM