Do trains have wheels? They do, right? Of course they do. Right? Noah is the conductor of our hope train right now. And I so appreciate everyone else who is on board. But my honest truth is that I'm kind of...running along side. I haven't been able to stop crying since yesterday. I woke up crying. There is just fear water flowing out of my face right now, and as much as I want to only see the stories of a 23 beta that turned into a healthy baby, (thank you all for your positive stories of low betas becoming beautiful babies. It's what got Noah to find his conductor's hat. That and the fact that he really likes that denim railroad stripe pattern. And hats) I also know that a 23 can become a 31 and then another crack in my already broken heart.
I feel like my period has been wanting to come but is being held off by the progesterone shots. I've been feeling that for a few days, and all I can think about is all the times I've felt pregnant. All the times I was convinced and I was dead wrong. I can only hope that my maternal intuition is like my sense of direction, totally off. If I say make a left, you can place your money on a right turn being the correct move. Maybe if I feel Aunt Flow knocking on the door I will actually be wrong this time.
It's been interesting to read the different comments (thank you everyone so much for the amazing amount of support). Some people feel like a congrats is in order, while others say, "I'm sorry." We all see a situation for what it is, and then we put our spin on it. Some of us jump to the worst case scenario (I put myself in that boat, initially at least), while others remain wholeheartedly optimistic (Noah's the captain of that ship, he also likes wearing crisp blue and white stripes). Sometimes hope is all we have, and sometimes the reality of a situation makes hope feel near impossible. Right now my glass feels half full and half empty at the same time. I don't think that how I interpret it is going to change the outcome. No matter how hard I cross my fingers or how badly I want Momo to stick--it either will or it won't. Crying about the uncertainty isn't going to help me either. In fact, it has given me a raging headache. So the best I can be is completely neutral. I'm open to the chance that this could work out, and realistic to the possibility that it won't. None of this is about fair or deserving or thinking one way or another. It's about accepting each moment for what it is and getting through one step at a time and reminding myself that I'm going to be ok. Somehow. I think. Right now I just have to wait. If I hold my breath I will drop dead, and if I continue to ball my eyes out I will feel like crap. I have to keep breathing and stay grounded in what is true. Yesterday I got a number. It was low, but it wasn't zero. It's the closest I've ever gotten. That's all I know that is fact. I might as well be somewhat optimistic because the alternative feels even worse.
This situation feels oddly familiar. I have a video clip from last year of a moment where good news quickly became bad news. The feeling I have my stomach is kind of similar to how I felt that week. During our first IVF cycle, there was a good news/bad news roller coaster that we rode for about five days after retrieval as our embryos were fighting to become something. One day they were all beautifully fertilized, the next day they were fragmented, the next day one stopped developing but one that was really fragmented started looking like it was correcting itself. It was absolute torture. Noah and I hung on until the plug was pulled. Every night we held hands and tried to imagine a miracle. Since it was our first IVF cycle, we just didn't know what to expect. Years later, the only thing I do know is to expect the unexpected. This is not our first rodeo. It's crazy that even after all this time I can be...surprised. I kind of thought beta day would give us clarity. An answer to which direction we were heading. But I guess not.
So I will put my energy into staying calm and keeping the negativity out of my body and mind. My body is fighting for Momo to stay, and Momo fighting to be something, and tomorrow I'll know if we both won.
Thank you for writing such and honest and inspiring blog, and creating a forum for other women to share their experiences along with yours. I especially laughed, as did my husband, when I read Noah's post about getting you mango after your embryo transfer. We both could relate. My husband and I just had our donated embryo transplant in Seattle - seems like the same clinic you went to. This Saturday, I find out if I am pregnant or not. It was not an easy journey, but I'm grateful to have this option available. It's very encouraging to see what it's like to get off IF island, and what that journey holds as well.
Posted by: Heather P | January 16, 2016 at 12:28 PM
Sending love from my broken heart to yours. Hopefully yours mends TODAY.
Posted by: Christiana | July 23, 2014 at 04:30 PM
Have been silently following your blog for months....it's helped during those days when I just want to give up. Thanks for giving us all a voice. I haven't shared our story with anyone besides our health care providers and it somehow helps to read about your journey and know that my husband and I aren't alone out here. Please know, no matter what the outcome, you have so many people who have your back...it's lovely (and so very sad at the same time)knowing that this island is full of people, and that we are all hoping for you (and for one another)! Wishing you (and everyone else out there) all the best from Canada!
Posted by: Helen | July 23, 2014 at 03:18 PM
Can't stop thinking about you and your second beta results...
Posted by: A Few Good Eggs | July 23, 2014 at 02:50 PM
I imagine you're getting the information about your second beta back about now and am hoping for the very best and sending you fortitude.
Posted by: Deb | July 23, 2014 at 02:43 PM
Love your outlook. You will be ok regardless. Sending you much love and prayers.
Posted by: Janet | July 23, 2014 at 11:19 AM
I don't know what to say Maya. Sending you a song, from a 14 year old I met over this weekend, I think she says it pretty well. http://youtu.be/wafcUkiGicw
Posted by: Weylin | July 23, 2014 at 07:50 AM
I have the following quote framed on my wall: "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end". Hope that thought gives you even half an ounce of extra strength - sending tonnes of positive vibes X
Posted by: Ruby | July 23, 2014 at 07:12 AM
Someone above described you as a warrior, and that is so true. You are fighting so hard for you and your family. That is what a mother is. I'll be thinking about you today.
Posted by: Zoe | July 23, 2014 at 06:27 AM
Maya, don't worry. You will be okay..
Posted by: prea | July 23, 2014 at 04:29 AM
Thank you all for the love. I needed it today. Feeling more open to whatever tomorrow brings. Whatever it is, I'll be ok. At least that's what I've been telling myself ;)
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | July 22, 2014 at 09:27 PM
I want to come up with something brilliant to say that will help you to feel better about what you're dealing with, and I thought having had a similar experience would help, but it doesn't so much ~ When we were at this point with the super low Beta, I was certain that it wasn't going to go any further, and was unfortunately correct. But it was the closest I had gotten, which provided some reassurance that my body could in fact, maybe become pregnant...? It was the time after that when it actually worked. You're amazing, and no matter what you'll figure out what to do next...!
Posted by: Jayne | July 22, 2014 at 08:38 PM
Been following for a while, I think you and your family are amazing! Thinking good thoughts for you and keeping you in my thoughts! Fingers crossed!
Posted by: Marisa | July 22, 2014 at 08:11 PM
Best wishes for good news. Hang in there. This is tough stuff.
Posted by: Throwing off the Bowlines | July 22, 2014 at 06:17 PM
Wishing you all the luck in the world, and the happiest baby in the world.
Posted by: Anita | July 22, 2014 at 05:05 PM
Praying so hard for you both... you are so strong and brave. You are on my mind constantly.
Posted by: Jillian | July 22, 2014 at 04:26 PM
Sending you love and good thoughts! So hoping this works for you.
Posted by: JCS | July 22, 2014 at 03:41 PM
Praying for you - that your numbers rise. I read your morning post and now this afternoon's post and I've been thinking of you on and off all day and each time I do I send a prayer up. Hoping for you.
Posted by: Jillian | July 22, 2014 at 03:23 PM
Your attitude is right on target, Maya. Just breathe and have trust in the knowledge that you WILL be a mother. You might be one right now. And once you and Noah hold that child in your arms you also know that you'd do it all over again to reach the end result. You are a warrior! And you're in my thoughts and prayers now more than ever.
Posted by: Lindsay | July 22, 2014 at 03:08 PM
Keep that hope alive! Your baby is coming, I can feel it!!
Posted by: Jojo | July 22, 2014 at 01:47 PM
I have been in your shoes more times than I would have liked and it just sucks but all you can do is just hope for the best and expect the worse. I am sending you good thoughts and prayers that you get good news tomorrow!
Posted by: Renee | July 22, 2014 at 01:28 PM
My god girl I wish with everything I have that this works out or you! Praying for a better post tomorrow x
Posted by: Sarah, UK | July 22, 2014 at 01:20 PM
Thinking and praying for y'all!
Posted by: KFH | July 22, 2014 at 01:00 PM
Hang in there! I am currently pregnant with twins (after our 10th IUI) and have 2 other kids. All three times I have been pregnant I was absolutely convinced that I wasn't and barely looked at the test. I always felt like my period was about to start. So you just never know....hang in there until you can get more results tomorrow and then take it from there. I am following your story and am very impressed and moved by your honesty about your journey.
Posted by: Cindy Johnson | July 22, 2014 at 11:13 AM
sending you a virtual hug. xo
Posted by: phaira | July 22, 2014 at 11:02 AM