The Runaway Brain

Dealing with infertility has become my primary occupation over the last few years, but when I’m not running to doctors appointments or trying to convert units of measurements to figure out how much medication I have left, I actually have a job. For the past six years I’ve been working as a therapist for a non-profit organization that provides mental health services to kids and families.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of teens with symptoms of anxiety or depression, and I often find myself using cognitive behavioral strategies to help them recognize their cognitive distortions. My teens will come in totally convinced that they are going to fail school because teachers always hate them, or that they will never get asked out because their peers don’t find them attractive. We talk through their thought process, examine the evidence, and find a way to reframe their thoughts so that they are more accurate and less negative.

This morning post butt shot, I followed the winding road of my thoughts to a dark cave of doubt. I started thinking that I’m always on the wrong side of the coin and started doubting that this embryo will work. I found myself raising my anxiety levels with thoughts about having nothing left if it doesn’t work. The cloud of negativity started to sit heavy over me. And then I realized how hard it is to practice what I preach. It’s really hard to tell your negative thoughts to go away, even if they are super unhelpful. It’s really hard to believe that this could be it, when you’ve thought that a half a dozen times before and you’ve been proven dead wrong. But it’s also a really important skill to cultivate. The ability to recognize those automatic negative thoughts and come up with alternatives to them.

Yes, it’s true. Nothing thus far has worked for us, and statistically I’m usually falling on the side of the percentage that makes my RE go, “Huh. That’s odd.” But…and there is a but…that doesn’t make the success of this embryo any more or less likely. Each chance is its own individual opportunity. My unlucky streak has nothing to do with anything. I have to keep the thoughts pure and logical. It will either work or it won’t. This is the best chance we have had so far,  as a child was made from these embryos four years ago. Those are the facts.

If it doesn’t work, we will be devastated, but we will use all the coping tools we’ve collected over the past few years on IF Island to move forward. I can’t under estimate our ability to bounce back. I also can’t waste time thinking about the what-ifs.

Noah and I are getting on a plane today at 5:45pm. I’m leaving any negative thoughts, doubts and fears at the Alaska Airlines gate at LAX. I’m not bringing that baggage with me. Instead, I have a bag of syringes, my favorite yoga pants and these other pants I call my buffet pants (can you imagine what those look like? Whatever, I can button them), and a ring that belonged to my grandma, and we’re heading out to get our baby.

I know there are several of you out there cycling with me. Stay positive! We’re on a mission, so don’t let your brain work against you! As one person commented, I hope we can all get our tickets for the next boat off this Island! I’ll be writing from the road since I’ll have plenty of time laying on my back.

Comments

[Weylin]

Thinking about you and praying this is it! You are a star. So much love and respect.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all so much!! Let's do this thang! 1pm tomorrow...let the games begin. And I'll be thinking of all my IF buddies who are having procedures around the same time this week. Best of luck to you all!

[Laura]

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Really hoping this is it!

[phaira]

Best wishes, luck and love to you both! Put your feet up girl!

[Laura]

Best of luck to you! Here's hoping we both get our BFP in a few weeks!!

[Lindsay Monnier]

Go get that baby momma!! I am praying more than ever for you! Every time I read your blog I just am in awe of you and Noah.

[Jill B @ hopinghopefloats.blogspot.com]

Safe travels and the best of luck.

[A Few Good Eggs]

I love your positive attitude! Safe travels and enjoy those buffet pants... here's to a few more months in them as your belly grows. Fingers crossed.

[Ruby]

Thinking of you (as I shoot up my own progesterone!) - yes to taking control of your thoughts, and a big fat YES to positivity! Everything is crossed for you guys! Xxx

[Courtney]

Good luck!! Wishing you guys all the best!!!

[Mandy]

Good look Maya - praying for you!

[Devon Easley]

Wishing you so much luck!!!!

[Meghan]

Wishing you all the luck in the world...

[Dawn]

Safe Travels tonight and I hope and pray that all goes well!!!