Whose brilliant idea was it to put progesterone in sesame oil anyway?

I mean, seriously? That stuff is thick! And it has to be injected into my butt. EVERY DAY! Possibly for three months, if I'm lucky! Audible exhale.

Progesterone shots have begun. Noah and I have a little early morning routine. He wakes up and gets me the good ice pack. I lay on my face, half asleep, holding said ice pack to my butt cheek as he builds the shot. He warms the vial between his hands and then warms it again once the liquid is in the syringe. Then he pinches and shoots. Never have I been so thankful for the added IVF weight that has gone straight to my butt! He does a countdown, then places a heating pad on my rear end, and together we try and massage my punctured cheek to help the thick liquid disperse. This will be our morning routine for the next several weeks, at least.

As I  lay face down under the heating pad, I often think about these intimate moments between us. It is these moments that make me convinced that there is just as much love in the way we are (hopefully) conceiving our child, as there is when people do it the old fashioned way. Maybe even more. Dedication. Endurance. Determination. Tenderness. I know things about myself and my husband that I only assumed to be true before. I know for a fact that we will do anything for our child. Anything. 

Those of us who struggle to make our family are a special group of people. We all have these intimate moments with ourselves and with our partners. Moments of feeling truly connected in our pain and in our joy. Moments of insight that build a keen awareness and understanding of what it means to want something so bad and to love someone that doesn't yet exist. Moments where you can't believe this is what your life has become, but you still feel so blessed to have all that you have. Those spoken or unspoken times when your heart swells with respect and gratitude and you can appreciate the true miracle it is to be alive and loved, and what it means to be working towards creating life. From scratch.

Sometimes I think about all the people involved in helping us have this next opportunity. The egg donor, the infertile couple who donated their embryo, my RE in LA, the staff at this other clinic, and a very special family friend who has helped us financially-- it's truly taking a village. When I find myself feeling angry about the cost of blood tests and meds and...all of it, really, I try and refocus on all that has had to align for us to actually be scheduled for this FET on Friday, that will hopefully result in our baby.

I consider all of you stranded on IF Island to be part of my village, and I hope I can be part of yours. Each one of us has a similar story of loss and defeat and hope, but we will take slightly different routes to get off the Island. We can truly understand the emotional roller coaster, and can empathize with the feeling of disappointment after a BFN, or the heartbreak after a loss--or the prick of that progesterone shot straight to the buns. It's a special club of warriors, us IFers. I'm honored to be amongst such strength and willpower. 

Sending so much love and respect to everyone on the Island. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

It looks like I'm not the only one who with a sore, lumpy butt! Claire--I know. The needle is terrifying but did make me feel badass for the first one. Now I just feel dread. I couldn't give these to my Hubs because as he says, the needle would go right through to his pelvis! I've got the buns in this relationship! Samantha--as bad as it is, I too hope I have to do these things for the next three months! Karissa--I love my ice pack!! AHH! You're probably right about the liquid freezing and I probably should follow your advice, but I'm not ready to give up that ice pack yet. I'm actually bringing it to Seattle with me because I'm a huge baby. Congrats on your BFP--four months of these things? You're a trooper. Brenda--cautiously optimistic. That's all we can be. I've declared July good luck month for Islanders. Just because I just did. Good luck at your retrieval and I assume transfer shortly thereafter. Keep us posted! KB-- I wish we could meet up in Seattle but I'm probably just going to the city for Momotaro. Did I tell you the doc who was suppose to do the transfer isn't actually doing it? I have someone else I've never even spoken too. Whatever, I feel like Noah could do the transfer at this point. A Few Good Eggs--I'm glad you have a solid support team. It definitely helps! Thanks for all the love and support you guys! And I wish you all the best of luck.

[A Few Good Eggs]

Hang in there, Maya. Reading about all of the people involved in your upcoming miracle brought tears to my eyes. One positive I've taken away from infertility and loss is knowing what an incredible support system I have and it definitely sounds like you have an awesome one. Shots are the worst. Let's hope they help bring about a miracle for you and Noah!

[KB]

I'm pissed on your behalf that they're making you take the sesame oil ones. I always had the ones in ethyl oleate (or something) and it really helped. I love how you are able to look at what you're doing for what it truly is- this is true devotion, trust, kinship, and love. What you have together is amazing, and ivf can break a couple so easily. That you have worked together on letting it strengthen you is such a wonderful thing! Sending so many positive vibes to you. You know I am here in Seattle for you if you need anything! -KB

[Brenda]

Maya I look forward to your posts because you express many of my own thoughts and feelings beautifully and effortlessly. This week is a big week for us as well. After countless IUI's, 3 fresh IVF and 1 FET, we are on our last IVF and will be retrieving this Thursday. I too, have never been pregnant and often can't help but think I never will. But your blog gives me hope. As you keep fighting through, I too must fight through. We now have a different doctor, different protocol. I'm actually starting to feel this could be it! But you know how that goes. Cautiously optimistic. I wish you and Noah a one way trip off this island. And I pray we are on the same boat.

[karissa]

Oh the lovely shots I was lucky enough to get to take them for four months and I really do mean lucky as in we got our long awaited BFP but I was always told never to use Ice as it will freeze the liquid going in even when its been warmed and will cause swelling and bumps. I always just sat on the heating pad for about five minutes and warmed the oil also and I almost never felt anything maybe something to try just a thought good luck to you on your cycle fingers crossed!!

[Samantha]

Ahhh, the PIO shots - they are really a pain in the ass. I remember being so scared to start those! The small needles don't seem so much to worry about, but that big old PIO needle...UGH! Miss Maya - I'm not going to lie, I really really really hope you have to take those shots for three more months!!

[Claire]

The Progesterone shots are by far THE WORST! It seems crazy- the needle is huge! At first it feels like a major accomplishment, like you are wonder women, then it just feels like, this crap again! The routine and the count down are the only thing that will get you through it. I have never felt more love for my husband than when he had to give me those shots. I don't think I could have done it to him. Good luck on Friday, I'll be thinking about you guys.

P.S. In my heard I've deemed you totally deserving of the BFP! Lol