Don't Complain, This is What You Wanted!

Yesterday my RE asked me how I felt. I told him I've never felt so happy to feel so crappy, and he responded by saying he could prescribe me something to make me feel better if I needed. Fine. That's nice. But I've felt crappy since 2010, so this is just a different version of how living on IF Island makes a person feel.

When we started trying in 2010, I was using ovulation predictors and taking my temperature every morning. I was obsessive and told by some people to gain a little weight so I did what I could to fatten up a bit. For someone like me who used to hit the gym several times a week and does yoga religiously and likes to hike and go for long bike rides, I quickly started to feel crappy in my body. (Here are a few past posts about the physical discomfort of the whole IF shebang.) I know a few people on IF Island who are marathon runners and crossfit folks and I'm sure the physical sacrifices of living on the Island are even harder for people like them. 

After trying naturally and "fattening up" a bit, we started ART. That meant hormones and 2ww and being told not to do yoga or twist or jump or pretty much do anything. The emotional toll was severe so I sometimes ate to feel better, because nothing felt good except mint chip ice cream. The hormones made me feel lethargic so I wasn't motivated to even workout at times. Paying for a gym membership seemed like a waste, because post transfer or IUI or even trying naturally, I was in a two week period of not wanting to strain my stomach or do anything to potentially compromise anything that might be implanting. And then the years flew by and the hormone weight settled in areas of my body that just made me feel heavy and gross, and no matter what I did it just stuck. Then I turned 33. Then 34. And this heavy, mushy feeling has become my norm. I hate it, but I've stopped resenting it. It is what it is, and one day I'll be able to work up a sweat and feel good again. 

So the fact that I'm basically in bed for much of the day trying to shove as much food into my face as possible while also trying not to barf my brains out just feels like the next level of all this. I actually feel concerned if I don't feel sick. But if one more person tells me this is what I wanted, someone is going to get hurt. Yes, this IS what I wanted and NO, I'm not complaining, I'm stating facts. But honestly, If I WAS complaining, I think I have every right to. Just because I went through four extra years of feeling miserable doesn't make me less entitled to bitch and moan than someone who got knocked up after a drunken night. But seriously, I'm not complaining. 

I am sending a huge hug, though, to everyone on IF Island who just physically feels like the word blech. I get it. It's terrible. I don't know when it's going to pass but I just think of it as yet another early sacrifice we make for our kids-to-be. 

Comments

[KB]

My bad, Kiki! I thought you were telling her "but you're pregnant" as in "..so you're not allowed to complain." My apologies that I clearly misread your tone and got a bit defensive unnecessarily of Maya! To your assumption: I've been on this island for three years and four failed frozen transfers, so no, I am not lucky... yet.

[Kiki]

Further, my post was meant, she can complain if she wants, because she is pregnant. Post away, KB. I thought this was supposed to be supportive blog.

[Kiki]

Really KB - Not? Sounds like you are off the island due to luck or financial resources. Lucky you.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for getting me everyone! KB, post away! Today I swiffered, a little, and that is about all the physical activity I'm planning ;) I'm actually feeling a lot better since Monday, which a) concerns me a little b) makes me wonder if some of the nausea is also anxiety related and seeing the heartbeat again calmed my nerves and c) may be due to the decrease in one of the two progesterone shots? I'm thinking going down in meds may have helped. Anyway, permission to all and myself to complain if necessary but I really am soooo grateful when I feel crappy.

[Meliss]

I think you have more of a right to complain than any woman who got pregnant in .2 seconds because you have worked so hard and spent so many years being emotionally, mentally, physically and financially drained to get there ..so it doesn't seem fair to go through even more suffering! I'm getting ready to go through a frozen cycle and as badly as I want this to work (with every oz of my being) that doesn't mean I should be forbidden from saying I feel crappy in the future. Hugs and good thoughts to you !!

[Andrea Parker]

:)

[KB]

Oh, also, (not to clog your feed, but I had to add this) your post makes me feel much better, because this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and thought "what the hell happened HERE?" I beat myself up when I feel more like sitting on the couch with crackers than going on a 'light walk', which is the one form of exercise that won't jostle my apparently sensitive ovaries. As someone used to 90 minute hot yoga classes, walking around the block feels like cheating and I often can't bring myself to do it. Your mindset on all of this is wonderful, and you are nurturing yourself which is what you AND Momo need! OK, end of multiple posts. ;)

[KB]

To you, Maya: well said! To "Kiki": NOT. In many ways, I imagine being pregnant after all that you've gone through makes it even HARDER once you're pregnant, because we IF-ers know that there is no such thing as "I'm sure everything will go smoothly." We have trained ourselves to expect the unexpected, to hear a doctor's "odds" and know that we'll surely be on the wrong side of them. But all of that doesn't mean it's a trend that will continue- it just means it's what you were stuck with, and having to fight through it has made you MORE appreciative of pregnancy... you have EARNED the right to complain as much as any "I just had a bottle of wine and got pregnant a month earlier than I thought I would" lady could. Complaining has nothing to do with how grateful you are. Allow yourself to be in the moment of pregnancy whenever you can, and that includes telling Noah to bring you some damn ice cream if you want! I'm so happy for you.

[Lou]

Parents of screaming toddlers having tantrums or snarky teens don't get told "well, stop complaining, you wanted a child!" So don't worry. Life has varying shades of grey, as we IF islanders all know... You've every right to not enjoy feeling some nasty sounding symptoms! Hoping you're doing ok tho x

[Lizzy]

I have a 4 yea old IVF miracle, and started reading your blog while gearing up for my (ultimately unsuccessful) IVF for #2. I think anyone who tells an IF survivor, "this is what you wanted", deserves what they get :). You complain, enjoy, be uncomfortable, do whatever you have to do - you earned it! Love your blog, and I'm so happy for you and Noah for where you are now.

[Jojo]

So with you on this one. I was so glad I felt so sick but wanted everyone around me to be sympathetic and helpful not remind me that I had suffered enough to actually embrace being so ill. It is crazy how skewed the world is during and after IF. I will say that once you actually get off the island ( as in have a take home baby) the island is like a dark cloud that makes the sunshine seem that much brighter. I take such joy in the mundane parts of being a Mom because I never thought I would get to have them.

[Rebecca]

Yes yes yes. I felt like crap during the early weeks and I was thankful for it but for some reason I hated it when people got excited that I felt shitty. Because I was excited, but I still felt shitty and I didn't want anyone who didn't feel like me revelling in it. Just because I waited so long for this doesn't mean that what is yucky for someone is awesome for me.

[Kiki]

yeah, but you're pregnant.

[Lisa]

You have every right to complain! It's definitely not fair that you have to feel miserable after several years of already feeling miserable from being on IF island. Good thing you're documenting all of this to show to Momo when he/she grows up and goes through an ungrateful phase ;)

[Arabelle]

I am almost 27 weeks pregnant with twins and although I feel super blessed and excited about the twins, the pregnancy itself is miserable. My mom of all people has told me more than one - well this is what you wanted. Yes this is what I wanted but it doesn't mean its not hard!! So I feel your pain...

[Kitten]

My husband is one of the worst offenders of "This is what you wanted!" I finally screamed at him, "THIS is not what I wanted! I didn't want to be miserable. I just wanted to be pregnant!" Yes, I knew that pregnancy often comes with misery, but that doesn't mean I have to suck it up or enjoy it. We can complain about the yucky parts and still appreciate what we have.