Happy Friday IF Islanders!

Greetings from my bed for yet another day laying on my ass!

Actually, I look more like...

I've officially spent the better part of this week thinking about, worrying about, talking about, and monitoring what may or may not be coming out of my private parts. I'm really putting my masters degree to good use. I woke up this morning and decided this blood monster with it's horrifying name (subchorionic hematoma) is ridiculous. Have I seriously come this far only to be wiped out by some blob of stale blood? No. That's not happening. That's truly absurd. If there's a problem with the embryo--if it isn't developing properly or something seems wrong, ok, I understand these things happen. But a friggin' pool of blood that just happened to form to threaten and intimidate and rob me of any possible feelings of joy and excitement over finally getting P? No. I don't think so. 

P at last! P at last! Thank God almighty we're P at last! Yeah, no. I'm not going out like this.

I've been good. I've been sedentary. I've been eating as much as I can. It sounds like a prescription for an absolute obese disaster but whatever. This is a moment in time, and this too shall pass. 

This morning, a fellow IF Island friend who I've never met but have grown very close to texted me one single word. Negative. Followed by a broken heart emoji. She is on her second transfer on her second donor cycle and getting her text first thing this morning made me want to punch a hole in the wall. She has a few more frosties on ice but come on! When will her torture end? It was a reminder that there is no justice on IF Island. There is nothing fair. But it is another moment in time, and this too shall pass for her. 

IF Island is filled with highs and lows. More lows than highs. I so relate to the feeling of that broken heart emoji. Here's a video post from the day after all our embryos fell apart in the dish. My heart wasn't just cleanly broken down the middle, it was completely shattered. I always fear that shattered heart is just around the corner, but today, I'll send love to my friend and I'll decide to just be positive about my situation. There may be time for sadness and broken hearts later, when we know things for sure. But as long as we don't, I'm choosing to find hope in the uncertainty rather than fear and dread. It may not change the outcome but it will give me a day of possibly feeling decent. We all need those days.

Sending love to all the broken hearts and sending an optimistic spin to anyone in a place of uncomfortable uncertainty. 

Comments

[A Few Good Eggs]

LOVE your attitude in this post and hope it paid off with a great u/s today (I think you have one).

[MrsBoomer]

I absolutely LOVE your positive attitude. We already go through so much emotionally and physically to get to TRY to be pregnant. You've got this lady! Through Him ( and a little science) all things are possible!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

I hope you survived the weekend Deb! And I'm so hoping you get good news in a week or so! I hope everyone else had a more interesting weekend than I did. Tomorrow morning is kind of our moment of truth. Bleeding is down to a minimal spotting situation so maybe something is healing up. I just hope Momo is winning the battle in there.

[Samantha]

Keep resting, keep hydrating and eat as much as you can!! Grow, Momo Grow!!! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am for you. Xx

[Lisa]

Another day on your butt means another day Momo is still growing. So, I'm wishing you many more days on your butt in the future. You're inspiring so many people with your strength and honesty. So sorry to hear about your friend :(

[Jody]

Thank you, Maya. You give me hope along with a swift kick in the butt when I need it!

[Devon]

Happy Friday!! Enjoy & stay positive!! Sending lots of good thoughts your way!!:)

[Laura]

I'm so happy to read this post! I had a miscarriage years ago and I still feel sad about it sometimes, but the one small piece of joy I remember from that time is that it was really wonderful to be pregnant with that little baby for a while. Then I got pregnant unexpectedly soon after my miscarriage and I felt so scared and kinda robbed of some joy and then I was mad at myself for wasting days of my pregnancy being afraid. I guess all I mean is that all you have is today and you can either feel sad now and sad again later if something bad happens or, if Momo is your baby, maybe a little regretful that you weren't enjoying every last possible minute of this pregnancy. Or, you can power through the fear as you are choosing to do and have a friggin wonderful time being pregnant with your Momo. Well done & much love!

[Deb]

It's amazing how much of this IF journey is about waiting and worrying. And I hear you on feeling like this is not how we planned to be spending our days when we pursued our higher degrees.

I hope you can find something distracting and intellectually fulfilling to do in the next few days. Do you have interesting work to do? Or some really good books to read to get you through the sedentary days ahead? I myself am improvising some form of modified bed rest/minimal lethargy following an embryo transfer two days ago, and am bored and frustrated. The progesterone coursing through my system is not helping.

So sorry for your friend who got the BFN. I'm glad she has other embryos waiting for her!

Take it easy and good luck. Happy Friday and a calm, healthy weekend to you!

[My Life As A Case Study]

Hey, get used to laying around cuz the morning sickness will probably hit in a couple of weeks! You got this. XOXO

[Jojo]

Yes! Enjoy being P and enjoy lounging on your butt while little Momo grows inside you. Have a great weekend- all three of you :)