Is it possible to simply catch up with an old friend?

This morning I got an email from an old friend. It was a sweet email that began by admitting she didn't know how to begin. It was from someone I was best friends with in high school and slowly grew apart from. We went to each others weddings and kind of kept tabs on each other, I believe she knows a little about what's been going on for me, but for the most part our relationship drifted. When I read her words--sending me love and hoping I get what I've been dreaming of, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It was a very nice email, but it made me realize all the relationships that I've lost or that have been strained by infertility. It made me have to acknowledge that as much as I don't want to be defined by infertility, a part of me very much is. My life is kind of divided into pre-IF and... IF. Eventually I will be able to add post-IF, perhaps, and I'll have a different perspective.

I hardly remember myself before the storm hit. Sometimes we have experiences in our lives that are so powerful, so painful, that we can't help but be changed. I can honestly say that infertility has had some pretty crappy consequences in terms of some relationships, but I have also gained a lot. I have gained a lot of friends and a new community and deeper understanding of what it means to pursue parenthood with all your heart and soul. There have been some positive unintended consequences and many ways in which my experiences on the Island have made me a better person. 

But I have lost some things, some people, some ability to relate and connect. I started thinking about maybe trying to get together with this old friend of mine. Meet for tea after years of minimal contact. How do I catch someone up on the last four years of my life without having to go through a time-line of disappointment? Without having to explain what a follicle is and how IVF actually works--or doesn't work. I don't speak the same language as many people in the fertile world, and while I know there are many other things to talk about--infertility is such an integral part of my life and who I am, it doesn't feel right not to talk about it. In some ways, surviving this insanity is also something I'm proud of. 

Sometimes, maybe, I feel afraid that I will be misunderstood. Sometimes I don't really want to re-live all of it.  Sometimes I feel like those friends who jumped shipped don't deserve the Cliffs Notes version. I don't need people telling me how strong I am or how grateful I help them feel about their lack of fertility struggles. Sometimes I feel it's my duty to educate people on the IF struggle so they can be more sensitive to others. I guess it kind of depends on the day. I imagine this dilemma is exponentially harder for those who aren't public about their IF struggle. For people who hold this as a secret, it must be really hard to meet up with an old friend or see family you haven't seen in a while and find a reasonable answer to the question, "How have you been?" Sometimes you just want to scream, "You have NO idea!" but instead you nod and smile and say, "Good. You know, hanging in there."

How we all share our story is a very personal choice. So is who we share with. I have to constantly remind myself that people do care about me, they often just don't know how. Fertile friends might feel guilt or they might feel like this IF roller coaster is just too much for them to handle. They are celebrating their own babies birthdays and stressing about zoo themed party favors while many Islanders are trying to figure out a way to regroup. It's hard when so many friends will hit this milestone of parenthood with ease and grace while others clunk along, scrambling to find all the parts to create a family. 

But that's just how it is. I know my truth. I know my strength. I know my dedication to my family-to- be and I know the level of my resilience. I know I have overcome things not everyone out there can. So is it possible to simply catch up with an old friend? Sure, why not. I can be honest and genuine and I can honor how I feel that given day. If I want to share, I will, if I don't, I'll talk about the work and reminisce about high school and discuss  how funny life is. 

Wishing everyone a beautiful long holiday weekend (if you're on this side of the world ;). 

Comments

[Cheryl]

Friendships through infertility. It's sad that this is yet another aspect of our lives so profoundly affected. It's so tricky when your emotions change so drastically in a blink of an eye. One day I'm happy for my easily pregnant friend, next day I'm angry and resentful and feel the need to rehash all of my failures to her, the next I feel guilty, and the next I pull away because I think it's best for both of us... Sigh... Well I hope you get a chance to really reconnect!

[Weylin]

Maya, I'm so excited that the blood Monster is gone and Momo is growing, you guys are going to have a baby!

It's so true about which friends step up and which steal away. This process gives you unfortunate clarity about who in your life you really care about or who really cares about you. But that's not necessarily a bad thing!

[Heather Ale]

This resonates so deeply for me. We have only recently begun IVF, but have been trying for two years and as I am 40 we don't have time on our side. I have the support of dear friends, but I've found you eventually come to a point where they cannot join you - they just can't understand what you are going through - and there are no words to really fill the void that creates. I read a beautiful piece of writing recently by a woman who was going through chemotherapy. She described the sensation of being at the bottom of a mine-shaft, and having friends and loved ones on the surface calling down words of encouragement and support, while all she really wanted was to have one of them climb down and join her... I'm so thankful to have found this lovely blog.

[Jessica in Sweden]

Friendships are hard when your going through infertilityproblems. There's always the pregnant friends and the friends with kids that got pregnant without even trying, the friends that have been trying to get pregnant for a few months and can't stop talking about it and then there's the friends that are getting married and will start a family really soon and think they have all the answers and there's always people that believe that "thinking about it too much isn't good for you, just stop thinking about it and you'll be knocked up before you know it" and of course the friends that think that "if you get a dog/buy a new house/just relax and you'll get pregnant veeery soooon...."It's hard for people to relate I guess and they probably just want to cheer me up but telling me to "stop thinking about it" or similar is basically telling me that "it's your own fault because you thought about it too much", saying things like "reeelax" or "do this", "don't do that" is NOT a way to cheer me up, it's a way of telling me that I brought it upon myself. Why can't people just say: "Oh, that sucks, I'm so sorry for you. Is there anything I can do for you?" It's rule in my life, I don't give people advice if they don't ask for it, if I want to give advice, I ask teh person if they want it....

[Lisa]

I've been following your blog for about a year now. There are some interesting parallels between our lives, both in the social services field, near the same with TTC, but our journey has more recently began. The loss of friendships has been one of the most difficult aspects of this journey and what you wrote touched me to read. It's almost like this struggle becomes a litmus test for all of your relationships. I am so inspired by your blog and it relates to my life. I am overjoyed at your progress on this journey. Thanks for putting all of this out here!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Friendships can be really hard on the Island, right? I mean, how do you meet for tea when you're each on different Islands and there is no friggin' boat for IF Islanders? It's hard to feel understood and it's hard not to feel like you're giving someone else this sad story that they can just hear as a story--but it's your life! YOur daily grind of emotional and physical despair summed up into some words that give the experience little justice-- "our IVF didn't work," that doesn't tell the story. That's part of why we have been documenting. So people can SEE and FEEL what IVF not working is like. Jojo--I so agree. Disappointment. I don't know what to expect during these conversations but there's definitely a feeling of vulnerability and plain and simple disappointment. "Wow, that sucks" does not capture the empathy we need at times. Becky, I can't believe your friend bolted like that. She's a veteran! She should be there for you 100%. But if she isn't, I'm glad someone else is. Several of my close friends got P just after our first IVF disaster--that was super hard. Everyone felt bad and I didn't really have the community I have now. It's so hard. Kelly, ugh. I feel for you sister. I'm so sorry you're up in the middle of the night with that what-is-happening-to-my-life feeling I've had so many times through this journey. You are never alone in this and we all get how people just don't understand. If anyone asks you why you don't "just" adopt ask them right back! Take care of yourself. I've posted some glorious videos of me crying post- IVF "failure" in the video section of the archives. YOu can play them and we can cry together. Jill--they often have no clue indeed. I haven't had tea with her. I offered. But I don't know if she'll write back. Sometimes I find people want to reach out and send love but they don't actually want to be a part of it all. They don't really want to meet up, just want to drop off some warm thoughts. That's fine too. Sending lots of love to all you ladies. I probably won't post for a few days but will be back next week.

[Jill B @ hopinghopefloats.blogspot.com]

I liked how you said " friends who jumped ship don't deserve the cliff notes version." That's a great way to put it. Sometimes its hard to sit down and talk with someone who you haven't talked to for a while who has no idea that your thoughts are just swirling with infertility struggles and worries - and in your case infertility overcome - and just sharing what THAT is like. I think in a lot of ways when a woman finally gets a boat off the island (which is like getting a gold medal in the sport of baby-making) the congrats and the "oh I know just how you're feeling" fall woefully, woefully short. "You. Have. No. Clue. Girl." But, like you said, it's how you feel on that given day that allows you to sit and smile and laugh. . . I hope you had a good visit with your friend. Thanks, Maya.

[kelly]

Its the middle of the night, the 4 am wake up. I come to my lap top to see if you have written a new post, my invisible new friend. Even the ladies who comment feel like the community of women i want to be with. I have distanced myself from most of my non islanders, i cannot even begin to explain to my friends and family members with all their beautiful children how i am doing. I don't know how to relate to them right now, how can any of them understand. I feel perhaps i am being judged too , not that anyone says anything but, i am 37 years old and have a wonderful career , that in their eyes do they think its the price i pay for waiting so long to try to start a family? They doth know we have been trying for almost 4 years. I feel like there are whispers and avoidance, even the people with love for us in their hearts don't know what to say. People ask so readily " have you considered adoption?" erm...
We have just had our 2nd ivf fail. I just want to be a hermit,go far far away , pitch a tent and go to sleep. I don't want to put this pain on anybody also ..I can't fake a smile, i can't pretend I'm ok. I couldn't go for tea, not yet , not today. That grace you have eludes me.
I am in another reality now, all the colors look different, but reading other women's journey on this side of the world makes me for a minute or two in the middle of the night feel less alone. Thank you Maya, thank you ladies.

[Becky]

So been there, Maya. I think it's so surprising to see who steps up & who ships out. I had a very close friend that struggled w/infertility for 5 long years & my husband & I were there for her every grueling step of the way. Egg retrievals, multiple transfers, excitement of positive tests, despair of miscarriage. We were the first people in the hospital room to visit her beautiful baby boy at the end of her journey. Over the last 3 years we've been on our OWN fertility island, & shockingly that friend has completely deserted us. She went to live her dream life & left us behind. Only once asked how it's going. No calls, no offers to go to happy hour, no 'just checking in' calls or texts. Nothing. Of all the people I thought I could have by my side it was her. We are even going to the SAME fertility clinic & saw her same doctor!! It's hard to come to grips w/the fact that we invested so much & she can't do the same. So sad. And then, on the same hand I found out a lady at work did multiple rounds of IVF & I approached her & she's been completely amazing! Sending me little cards, calling even when she KNOWS I don't want to talk just to cheer me up, or sending encouraging texts throughout our struggle. You just never know who's gonna end up being that person that you can count on.

[Jojo]

You always manage to find such important topics. I have found that most of my pre IF friends don't really 'get it' and I always leave conversations with them disappointed if I open up. They seem to either not really understand how horrific the struggle is or get uncomfortable and change the topic. Either way, I am disappointed and find myself distancing even more. I will say though-- now that I am off the island it is sometimes nice to pretend I belong on the mainland with everyone else. I feel like IF was who I was and all I was. I think if I had to choose I would surround myself with my IF community still but thankfully I now feel a part of both. You have helped so many people- I hope you realize that.