It's Gonna Be Ok

I've spent the better part of this week just trying to take a deep breath. Part anxiety, but also I just have this weird feeling like I can't really breathe. I was reading that it may have something to do with the progesterone. Anyway. I went to my OBGYN today and caught myself doing what I always do. Preparing for the worst.

Us IF Islanders have heard it and seen it all. We've ridden the good-news bad-news wave so many times it's made us sick and searching for which way is up. I've been working really hard, using meditation and guided imagery and hypnosis tapes to try and picture the positive. The sense memories or the images that are stamped into my brain are ones of fear and disappointment, so I'm trying to rewire my noggin' to imagine everything going well. To hear my doctor saying "all looks great," and other things I've never heard him say.  To visualize myself with a big belly and eventually a real live Momo. Between retraining my brain to be optimistic and trying to take a deep breath, the days just go! 

Last night I felt dread. I know too many people who have had solid heartbeats one day and two weeks later had none. Every time a thought like that entered my brain I imagined catching it in a butterfly net and releasing it far far away. I replaced the fearful thoughts with more hopeful ones, and reminded myself I don't have to be on the defense, because whatever will be will be.

This morning as I waited, pants-less, in the doctor's office, I felt that dread creep in. After all, it has been ten whole days since my last ultrasound. I had a flash of my doctor saying the words, "I'm sorry," and then I forced myself to stop. Just STOP. Preparing for the worst doesn't actually help make the blow any better. It just decreases time in a happy place. It's so useless!! I know that! My brain just will NOT get the memo! But for a moment I was able to stop. I just sat there, looking at the old school models of vaginas and fallopian tubes and reading signs posted in spanish about breastfeeding. I was just there. Pants-less. Waiting. A little cold. Present. In that moment all was fine. 

The doctor came in and we saw Momo. He had more parts. What looked like arm buds and a massive head area. And there was his flickering heart. Blood monster was nowhere to be seen. All was where it was supposed to be. To think Momo was a microscopic cell in a freezer for four years continues to baffle my mind. Now he's morphing into something beautiful before my eyes. 

So all is fine. It's gonna be ok. For now. And now is all I have. 

Comments

[A Few Good Eggs]

I am so happy to see this update. From my experience, managing that impending sense of doom is really tough to do, but good for you for trying to reign it in. You are absolutely right that it wastes energy and does no good. Here's to positivity! At 20 weeks (and approaching when we lost our last baby), that is a great reminder... I still assume at every u/s that our little girl will be gone but it doesn't have to be that.

Anyway, so very happy for you all! Go Momo!

[Dawn]

Yay!!! So happy the blood monster had been defeated!!! Keep growing little Momo...your parents are so excited to meet you!

[Lisa]

So glad the blood monster is nowhere to be found. I have a friend in real-life who's struggling with her own blood monster right now, so your good news gives me hope for her.

[Meliss]

Firstly - I so so happy for you and to hear this news- you and your husband are so deserving of happiness after everything you've been through! Secondly, once again you capture perfectly the thoughts of this experience... I haven't ever had a positive yet but after the news this week that my frozen cycle is yet again beung pushed back bc my lining isn't thickening on estrogen (now on estrogen patches and Viagra suppositories also - gotta laugh!) I find myself already dreading next weeks appt because I imagine hearing that things still aren't progressing at all and that this isn't going to happen. But you're absolutely right - what's the use in that? What will be, will be.. So like you, right now I'm trying to use my yogi perspective and stay hopeful and positive. Sending you love that you can continue to do so...

[Kandie]

Wonderful!! So happy to hear the blood monster is out of the picture!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks London and congrats on your miracle Christie! Tara, the process is possible, but brace yourself. It can be overwhelming at times but some how, some way things will work out. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help along the way and good luck on your journey.

[London]

That's really wonderful news!! So happy and excited for you!

[Christie]

I'm SO happy for you guys!! You're a very strong woman :). I am currently holding my 11 week old IVF miracle...still seems surreal. Keep being positive and hang in there...it always works out!! You'll be holding your baby very soon too :). Much love and hugs!!

[Tara Mae]

I'm so happy for you. I just started reading your blog this week after a friend recommended it to me. I'm a month shy of a year straight of trying, and since I have PCOS and endometriosis, we may be looking at being in the same boat as you. It's helpful being able to read your entire journey. It makes the whole process seem possible, though still painful and terrifying. It doesn't seem as scary because I know a little of what it would /really/ be like, instead of just textbook explanation. I don't know what will be in the cards for us, but I'm rooting for you.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for the love everyone. Sending it right back at ya!

[Lindsay Monnier]

I love that the blood monster is gone!! thank goodness!! and Momo is growing into YOUR beautiful beautiful baby!!!

[Julia L]

I am on the same timeline as you and was just telling my friend how I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You capture everything so perfectly, and your post reminds me to just stay in the moment and enjoy what we have....which I know right now as a 9+ week little baby. Thinking of you and completely relating! Thanks for your post. Countdown to the end of the shots!!! :)

[Jojo]

Yayyyyy! So happy for this update. I hate that you have to face so much fear right now but as your belly grows and you feel little Momo kick I am hoping you can relax a little. Soon enough Momo will be on the outside in your arms. I tried to treat the pregnancy fears as training for the paranoia of a new Mom. If you can learn to handle and calm your fears now, it will help when he/she is here and you worry about all the noises they make in their sleep etc. I guess ignorant bliss is ideal but at least you are going to be one tough and strong Mom!

[WBC]

Great news, and way to stay positive, Maya. It is something akin to trauma, isn't it, what this whole experience does to us?

[Devon]

Amazing update!!! So happy to hear all is going good!!

[Tami]

So awesome Maya!!! Love these updates!!!

[Meg]

It's so inspiring to read your story! Momo has overcome so much. I'm so happy for you.

[Kerry]

Bravo! My heart is filled with happiness for you guys and little Momo!

[Samantha]

Awwww, such great news! Momo is getting bigger and stronger each day, and amazing news that the SCH has gone!! Hang in there Maya & Momo! Xx

[Julie]

Beautiful News!!! 👏😊

[Christiana]

Hooray! Goodbye blood monster grendel. Hello Momo!!