It's gonna happen, just believe it

Last night I had a dream about my grandma. We were at a shoe store that looked more like someone's living room and we were waiting for the extremely nasty sales woman to find a pair of shoes my grandma wanted to try on and buy. (Grandma loved her a fancy pair of shoes.) My grandma and I, in the dream, both knew she was going to die and that buying new shoes, especially the pointy black snake-skin looking ones she was after, was kind of ridiculous, but she wanted them and I was determined to get them for her. We waited for an hour in this strange living room and finally the sales woman came back out and said, "we only have them in a size one." I started yelling at her and my grandma started crying and then I woke up in a cold sweat at 4am. 

My grandma passed away in February 2013, just after her 94th birthday. Noah and I were coming out of our first unsuccessful IVF and we're gearing up for our rounds of IUI and had not yet even thought about using my sister as an egg donor. 

I fell back asleep last night and when I woke up again this morning, my first thought was, "I can't believe my grandma died." It has been over a year, but the idea that we had/have been on IF Island for long enough for people to die while we've been trying to make a baby made me sad. I know several people who have lost parents and grandparents while in the process. I actually had several losses of close family members while Noah and I have been in process, and this morning I had an overwhelming feeling that I wish I could have finally been able to share good news.

I don't think anyone in the world loved me as much as my grandma did. It's that unconditional kind of love you feel in your bones. I knew she wanted so badly for something to work for us, and when I'd call her crying she'd always say, "Sweetheart, it's gonna happen. I promise you. It's gonna happen." 

Just before she died I told her I was sorry we couldn't make her a great grandmother. My cousin and his wife actually swooped in and granted her that gift, but I was sad I couldn't. She just smiled, her eyes were slowly fading but she was still sharp at times, and she said, "Sweetheart, it's gonna happen. Just believe it."

I'm slowly starting to believe that maybe this is really happening. I wish I could share it with my grandma, who probably would have just said, "see, I told you it would happen." I think she would be amazed at the science behind an adopted embryo and proud of me that we chose this interesting alternative to family building. 

Today I'm sending love to anyone who has lost a loved one during their IF journey. The sad of it all gets intensified in a way. But on the other end of that sad is the beauty that comes from appreciating your own life, the people in your life, and the life you are or will potentially create or simple the life you will love unconditionally. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Myra. Of course I remember you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Wow, what a rough time for you. I'm so sorry, but what you wrote is really beautiful. I hope you mom guides your babies to you soon and I wish you all the love and peace in the world. And Kerry, I'm so sorry for your loss too. It's so extra hard when you lose loved ones during your sequester on IF Island. I hope your grandfather can rally up the souls of your babies and I send you much love.

[Myra]

Hello Maya (sorry, this is a bit long). Out of the blue today, I thought, "oh, I haven't seen what Maya and Noah are up to and how their progress is going," so I checked out your blog for the first time in weeks. The timing was perfect. I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago (August 9th). It was 36 days before she and my dad were going to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

One of my biggest regrets is that she never got to be a grandmother. There are four of us in the family (I'm the third), but I'm the only one married. Been on IF island for five years this month. The last five weeks have been the most awful experience of my life. She had been in the hospital for almost a month, but we expected her to bounce back as always. The crazy thing is, when she was on the super strong pain meds, sometimes I would catch her giggling and talking to someone. I would ask her who she was talking to and she would say, "the children. Don't you see them running around my room?" as she was pointing to what seemed like an empty spot. This went on for a few weeks. Of course, I liked to imagine that they were my babies there playing with their grandma. I wondered if they were one of the three I miscarried or hopefully, one of the twelve I currently have frozen. As she was passing, I whispered to her to find my little babies and to take care of them until they come to me.

Right after she passed, I called a friend who can "see people". I told her what I said to my mom and she asked me how old the kids were that my mom saw in her room. I told her that one was three or four years old and the other was a baby. My friend started to cry and said, "that's exactly what I'm seeing right now...your mom and two little babies those ages following her." I miss my mom so much already, but the thought of her taking care of her grandchildren in Heaven gives me so much hope.

Anyways, the point is, I want to thank you for always seeming to write exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. It's funny, because I only met you once at the conference at UCLA (I was the one doing the egg retrieval the next day), but I follow your story as if you were one of my dear friends. I'm sure you hear that plenty of times. I'm wishing you much luck and will ask my Mom/Angel in Heaven to look out for you, too!

[Kerry]

This made me cry. I lost my beloved grandfather several years ago, and my grandmother is 98. She smiles when we talk about my longing for a baby, and she says, "all in good time." How I would love to give her some good news while she is still with us. ( I talk to my grandfather in heaven whenever I am feeling hopeless, and I feel his love around me. He still hasn't been able to help me have a successful pregnancy, but I like to think it is because he is so busy working on keeping me and my family safe and healthy in other ways, and that he will get to the baby thing when he has time:)

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. So many of us are on IF Island for so long that losses and other life challenges happen. I think it's important to remember it is never our fault that we couldn't have our babies before we lost our loved ones. I couldn't help but feel even more frustrated when I knew my grandma wasn't well, but I knew it wasn't my fault. It was just crappy. My grandma would love Momo as much as the rest of us do! And I know we all carry an extra pocket of love from those we've lost to our babies to be.

[Kandie]

This brought tears streaming down my face. Grandmas are the best. So happy for you and can't wait to see another pic of Momo!

[Jojo]

You always manage to hit such relevant and poignant topics. I hope you are feeling ok but not so ok you are worried :)

[Grace]

I also lost my mother in law, and I was aware during attempts that all I wanted to do was place a baby in her arms before she passed. I didn't make it (it's been more than a year) and it makes me very sad. I cried more about my own failure at her funeral than her death, because it was ok that it was her time, as sad as that was, but I couldn't believe I wasn't able to make it work. (Also, my sister in law had to make comments like that my husband's ex "gave his mother grandchildren" and that's why she should be able to attend the funeral.)

I am pulling for you - that this is IT! :-)

[M]

Dear Maya,
Concerned by IVF myself, I follow the events of your blog for a while; your life and writing are so deeply touching. I hope that you don't mind my sharing my experience as it relates to the dream of your grandma?
I lost my father three weeks before my first IVF this summer, he saw the pictures of the meds, had a good laugh at it (he was a nurse), he knew the plan the odds and the hopes, and then he left, just like that. I knew for a while that it would be difficult to keep him til the time when I could place a grandchild on his lap, but I hoped that he could hear the news of a future little one. I am haunted by the fact that I could not bring the good news to him: I had imagined his absolute joy so many times.
A piece of your grandma lives in your heart, and now that science and medicine did their work, this piece of love is a fundamental ingredient to nurture momo's body and soul and life. What would be your determination through the ordeal of your infertility, -admirable determination that we all see in your blog-, if not a piece of that very same love? With enormous sympathy and heartfelt wishes.

[Kas]

Maya, I just wanted to say that she knows.. I want to be daring and say she's been a part of what's happening.. I do believe that our loved ones do their best to take care of us from wherever we believe they're at when they pass.

I lost my beloved grandpa this year, just after our first failed IVF.. it was a doubled pain.. I too felt so deeply sorry he would never be able to meet my children.. but I do believe he's still looking after me..

and yes, it is definitely happening, and you definitely have to start breathing and you can't let yourself lose any of those precious moments.. cause they're not coming back.. ;)

Lots of hugs. :*

[karissa]

So sorry for your grandma, I lost my Dad when I was 17 and I was his first born and while it would take another six years after he died before we could make it happen I knew he would have been an awesome grandpa it breaks my heart that he wont ever get to meet this little boy when he is born but I like to believe that he still knows he is going to be a grandpa even if its not here on earth. So happy things have been going well for you I look forward to your updates.

[Rahkeeta Rogers]

I lost my Mother In Law during our IVF journey and my daughter is now 4. It pains me and my husband especially that she never had the chance to meet our daughter. I always will have that strange feeling that she sacrificed her life, so we may bring forth one of our own. This post is a great reminder to me to make sure my daughter knows everything possible about her grandma in heaven and that she was loved before she was even conceived. Looking forward to seeing a million post about Momo here soon!!!