Learning to Anticipate Good News

My parents wanted to come to today's ultrasound at the RE. My family has been an integral part of this process so having them come was a normal thing for us, but I felt a little nervous about it, because Noah and I are still on edge, wondering if the other shoe is going to drop. 

I remember my friend Lisa telling me a story about the worst moment of her IF journey. Lisa had literally been through everything-- multiple IVF's, IVF with donor eggs that didn't work, multiple miscarriages, one which was a set of twins that she miscarried a few weeks apart. Her journey was awful. But the worst moment for her, the one that brought her to tears when we interviewed her for our documentary, was when she brought her mother to an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and there was no heartbeat. It had been over 12 years since this happened. She has two gorgeous sons, one adopted, one from a donor egg and surrogate, but it still made Lisa emotional.  Though I'm well aware that her story and situation has nothing to do with mine, I couldn't help but have that fear. What if my parents come and we hear nothing? (Here's a hopeful clip from that interview with Lisa and David in case you want to see a story of IF Island survivors.)

But instead of the worst moment of our journey (I can name about 10 already anyway, no need to add, right?), we had the best moment. Mom and dad stood next to me while the doc explained that the heartbeat is strong at 170 bpm and the blood monster is continuing to shrink. Noah and I are still cautious with our feelings of excitement, but we have to constantly remind ourselves that a different outcome is possible this time. Here's Momo today. I think I'm growing a little frog. Blood monster dying a slow death on the right (top). Oops, it's kind of sideways but whatever. 

I think letting go ofyour past story is one of the most difficult things to be able to do when you've been dealing with infertility for so long and have had repeated unsuccessful cycles and disappointments and losses. I have another friend who is pregnant after using donor eggs, and her anxiety is beginning to mount as she gets closer to the week in her pregnancy when she miscarried the last time. That scar is there. She has to tell herself it's different this time. We all have to tell ourselves each attempt, each embryo, each stimulation cycle, each pregnancy is its own, independent of all other outcomes. I'm not saying that's an easy thing to do, but it's the only way we can possibly tame some of the anxiety.

Learning to anticipate good news is a learned skill. I've been trying to rewire my brain away from just waiting for things to fall apart to expecting a positive outcome. I do that by challenging my negative thoughts. When I start to think that something bad is happening because I have a moment where I don't feel totally sick to my stomach, I ask myself what proof I have that something bad is actually happening. None. What's the point of anticipating doom and gloom? I force myself to stick with the last bit of factual information I have, and for today that's a little frog in my uterus with a beating heart.

So we will stay with the good news of today that Momo is getting stronger and blood monster is getting smaller and maybe someday soon I will start to feel like this is real. Until then, saltines and ginger chews. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

I heart you all! Thanks for the Momo love. Sending hope and luck to everyone out there. It's really all we've got.

[WBC]

Hurray for getting to share something so positive with your parents!! You are SO P my friend!

[A Few Good Eggs]

This is a great update! Hurrah for Momo and how wonderful for your parents.

[Courtney]

I just can't say how happy I am for you guys!!!! It's so amazing!

[Rebecca]

This news is the greatest. Look at how Momo's heart rate keeps going up and up and up! 170! I'm thinking Momo might be a she with this strong heartbeat :)

[Prea]

Thanks Maya for all the hope and love you send out :-):-)

[Dawn]

Little Momo beats down the blood monster!!! :) Keep growing Momo and beat that blood monster totally out. So happy that you, Noah and your parents got to hear that awesome heartbeat and see that little froggie. :)

[Dani]

Wow! Looks great in there!! This thing is going in the right direction - Momo getting bigger and blood getting smaller. You guys all deserve to feel every bit of joy that comes with today's good news!

[Melissa]

Amazing!!! So wonderful and you give us all hope to the others on the island... Thank you

[Zoe]

Fist pump! Yeah! So happy for you all!!

[Jill B @ hopinghopefloats.blogspot.com]

so happy for you!

[Kerry]

My heart is bursting for you guys. Enjoy every minute of this new journey. I'm so not religious, but I just know that God is watching over both of you and little Momo.

[Larry]

So glad indeed! This was a big moment for us--especially since there have been so many lesser moments. But seeing that little bean pulsing and hearing the heartbeat was a moment we won't forget. Now we, like all who follow you Maya, can only ride along on your journey. It's--finally--getting to be exciting! Mom & Dad

[Meg]

I'm so glad that you were able to share that amazing moment with your parents. Momo is doing so well. It makes me happy for you and also gives me hope.

[jackie]

Hi Maya, I just wanted to remind you that I am pretty sure the chances of you carrying to term are something like 99% right now:) :) :) :)
-Jackie, loving all your updates

[Corynn]

Awesome! :)

[Tami]

Loved seeing this update today!!!! And so happy your parents for to see and here the little nugget today too! Enjoy..........

[Katie]

Awesome post. As a fellow IF Island survivor, I couldn't be happier for you. And how cool that you brought your parents with you for the visit to share in the moment.

[Samantha]

Momo is definitely a fighter, like Mama. Somehow I know that you are going to delight in the peeing after you just pee'd, the kicks to the bladder and the punches to the ribs! So happy to see Momo growing away, forming organs and limbs - and beating that cute lil heart!

[Jojo]

This is amazing! So so happy your parents could hear little Momo beating away. What an amazing moment that must have been. Imagine the love that little baby will be born into! Xoxo