One Step at A Time

One of the hardest things about living on IF Island is the absolute necessity of living completely in the present moment. For a planner like me, this has always been a challenge. I remember when we started trying to do IVF for the first time (back when I was a young and spry) and it took literally four or five months to even get the go ahead to start a cycle. What? One month I had a giant cyst, another month I had way too few follicles, another month something else lame happened--they weren't synchronized or something. Whatever the reason, each time we went in to the RE I assumed we were starting, calculated how many days of stims I'd be on, factored in the 2ww and then allowed myself to have a faint idea of what my due date would be. WAS I AN IDIOT? No. I was an IVF Virgin. And that's ok. I kind of miss that hopefulness of innocence.

And it probably does happen for people--where they go in for IVF, they're able to start when they planned, and it works. It does. I met a couple who had one false start and then got two embryos, put two in, got two out. They recognize the miracle that is and is grateful for their short visit on IF Island. That is not my story. At all. So I guess my point is you just never know. You never know what is around the corner. You never know what joyous miracle might take place or when the rug might be pulled out from under you. You really do just have to go one step at a time.

Someone commented about making sure I get a 10 week ultrasound to check for chromosome abnormalities etc. after my first feeling of panic passed, I thought, "10 weeks? I hope so!" I'm just waiting for my next ultrasound on Friday with my OBGYN and then again with my RE on Monday. Seriously, is there a support group for ultrasound lovers anonymous? I'll be 8 weeks next week. That feels huge. I can't even fathom 10 weeks. Double digits?! Come on Momo! 

I'm grateful to have gotten this far. And to have gotten a good report yesterday. While I know how quickly good news can become bad news, I'm not anticipating doom, but I'm also not...counting my eggs before they're hatched. I'm trying to just be. 

The Seattle clinic sent me a sheet with some of my "facts," which included my "expected due date." Seeing it made my hairline sweat. I'm trying to imagine only positive things. I'm trying to visualize a growing belly and a Momo that looks less like a miniature buffalo and more like a tiny person. I think those are all good things to do. But I'm still cautious in my optimism and know that I have to always stay with the facts of today. 

Wishing everyone out there so much strength in taking this journey one step at a time. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back, I know. And sometimes it's a giant leap towards the goal. Wherever you may be just remember that we can only do our best in a given moment, and we just don't always know the outcome. Patience. Love. Acceptance. We will get there. Each one of us will find a way to solve the puzzle of how to create our family.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

I heart you Jojo! Davy--I hope I can start breathing too. It's strange, I kind of feel like it's hard to take a deep breath. Working on it:) Michelle! IVF twins! Whoo hoo! I'm waaayyyy worse in my addiction. I've had 5 u/s and I'm not yet 8 weeks. Going for another tomorrow...it's bad. Laura, what a sweet moment. I love that, and can imagine that feeling of realization that it's not just you anymore. You're spot on Rebecca. Exactly how I feel. Until I can count toes...it really is learning to completely surrender to what is. Sometimes I do wish I could press the fast forward button. Lou, I hope the baseline scan went well. The waiting and going back and hoping just to start or starting but finding out things aren't growing properly is so terrible. I remember vividly (around thanksgiving 2012) going in to the doc half way through stims and only 2 of my 9 follies were growing. I was crushed. He suggested switching to an IUI but I thought I had tube problems so that wasn't a choice. I was literally sick to my stomach. Here's a video clip of that day, in case anyone wants a real pick me up this lovely Thursday. http://dontcountyoureggs.typepad.com//blog/2013/06/video-clip-friday-remembering-rough-times-during-ivf-cycle-1.html

FIFTEEN WEEKS BETWEEN ULTRASOUNDS? Corynn??? I can't imagine. I can't imagine getting to tomorrow, so I'll cross that bridge when I get there, but...I also really don't want to "graduate" from my RE. Though I think he's pretty ready for me to say my last good byes. Thanks for your kind words Emily! Sorry things didn't work out for you in March and I wish you lots of luck as you move forward to completing your family. My girl Dee! I can hear your story was a really traumatic one, and I get that. I do. And I'm so sorry. It is important for all kinds of stories to be shared here, the good the sad and the in between...if there is such a thing. This blog isn't about rainbows and sunshine only--90% of it are stories of me putting my heart into soemthing and having it ripped out. Of course it isn't your fault that things turned out the way they did. It's so hard for us not to blame ourselves (I still kind of think I caused the SCH because I carried a puppy and went for a long walk the Saturday before I started bleeding) but there isn't any point in adding blame to all the other bad feelings right? Your story is important and it's your own. Same with mine. I don't know how mine will end. But I do know if it does end prematurely, it is not my fault. And there is nothing I could do to prevent it. Things happen, and that is part of the surrender. Lisa--congrats on the baby girl! It's amazing when a family comes together to expand their family. Even though the cycle with my younger sister's donated eggs didn't work for us, I felt a closeness with her and my family that has changed us for the better. My sister gave me an amazing gift and piece of herself and was an important step in our journey. I sometimes feel bad that my parents have had to go through all of this with us, but it's a huge support I couldn't have gotten through without. Sounds like your daughter has the same. Thanks for the support and virtual hugs :) Jamie...I'm looking into that now :) My doc started telling me about an $11,000 heartbeat monitor I can buy and as my eyes started to bug out of my head he said, "or you can take a valium," and smiled. He was teasing me. That's what happens when you have the same RE for over two years! I've outlived his entire nursing staff. Rebecca--thanks again for the reminder. It's good to think about the positives.

[Rebecca]

I want to add here that your betas all doubled, you are measuring on track and you have seen the heartbeat two ultrasounds in a row. I had a miscarriage and the warming sign was a beta that did not double. And the baby never measured on track (we got one heartbeat ultrasound, but it measured two weeks behind). I know the other commenter was only trying to help, but your betas doubled. That's a big deal. I have lots of hope for Momo.

[Jamie]

Maya, I managed my ultrasound addiction by renting a fetal Doppler from Stork Radio. Even though I couldn't see my baby, hearing the heartbeat whenever I wanted I am convinced saved my sanity during my pregnancy. After so many issues on IF island I needed a lot of reassurance. I'm glad to hear that you and Momo are hanging in there. I'll be thinking of you.

[Lisa]

Maya & Noah, our whole family thanks you for being so honest and open about your journey on IF Island. Our family has a story too.... One of my daughters had pre-mature ovarian failure diagnosed in her teens and now she has the most beautiful 13 month old baby girl compliments of her sisters egg! This is our miracle baby but for many years seeing babies, strollers, shower invites and baby shops made us feel angry, sad, and alone. Years of worry, feeling alone and questioning "why us" was all consuming. We relate to your journey and are praying for Momo, your little " Embie" .
My daughter says the only thing you can expect when it comes to IF is the unexpected.... It's really true.
We wish you love, miracles and the quickest, most uneventful next 33 weeks of pregnancy! Hugs to the 3 of you!

[Dee]

I hope you make it beyond 10 weeks and pass every test with flying colors up until your safe, full-term delivery. You deserve that. Every person trying to escape IF Island deserves that.

I tell my story because I remember how vulnerable I was that day when I got the worst news of my life and how people made me feel like I was at fault for not being optimistic enough to save my pregnancy. I tell my story because if it influences someone to seek the best prenatal care to ease their fears then I'm not wasting my breath. I tell my story so people know the warning signs. I will keep telling my story because it happened.

You have every reason to have hope at this point and I don't want to take away from that, although I do see how it could seem that way. I do not have it out for you, I promise. I'm sorry if I exacerbated your worry and fear. I will keep rooting for you and Momo quietly so you can focus on finding peace and positivity. I look forward to the day you can finally post a photo of Momo in your arms.

With love, peace and prosperity from a fellow IF Island refugee.

[Emily]

Maya, I have been following your blog since my failed IVF in March and I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story with us all. Your humor and ability to convey emotions that so many of us are experiencing is beyond helpful. I am very excited for you and the progress you have made....a heartbeat is such good news!!! I too had a SCH with my first pregnancy and it ended up reabsorbing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that yours does the same. I remember how terrified I felt when I was told what was going on and can definitely relate to wanting to see the little one on an ultrasound as frequently as possible to help relieve my anxiety. I wouldn't worry too much about testing for potential chromosomal abnormalities at week 10; you'll have plenty of time to worry about that when it's time to decide if you want that sort of testing. Congratulations for making it this far in your journey off the island and know that there is a fellow LCSW here in Oakland rooting for you and Momo every step of the way!!!!!!!!!

[Corynn]

Not to break you out of the moment but I will say this (bc I'm choosing to believe Momo will hang on for the long haul), wait until you're 20 weeks and have your anatomy scan and then don't get another ultrasound until 35 weeks (FIFTEEN WEEKS LATER!!!!!)...It's a rude awakening for us ultrasound junkies (the fact that we get so many ultrasounds at all is one of the only silver linings of conceiving through ART) but honestly by that point you'll be feeling Momo on a daily basis and no longer needing that high and reassurance each ultrasound provides in the early weeks.

[Lou (UK)]

I've been following your blog for a few months now....it totally expressed the craziness I've been feeling and helps me stay sane. I have been thinking of you particularly this past couple of weeks and keeping fingers and toes crossed. You have been so strong and the whole IF community on here has got your back. You'll be a great mum. I am about to have a baseline scan tomorrow after our 3rd IVF cycle got cancelled....so am totally one step at a time! It is all we can do.

[Rebecca]

I totally get this. I am currently 13 weeks, and I've had people ask me where I will be delivering since I was 7 weeks. Where will I be delivering? How could I possibly think about that?!?! It's a day by day, week by week journey. At 7 weeks, I thought 10 weeks would be huge. Then at 10, it wasn't enough. Now at 13, I would really like to get to 15 (I have a friend who miscarried at 15 weeks). Then at 15, I will want to get to 19, because I have two friends who lost babies at 19 weeks. It will never end. So, we stay in the moment. But it's what we've been trained to do.

[Laura]

Right on! The first time I realized I thought of myself as a Mom was when I was pregnant with my daughter and I was just large enough to be accidentally bumping into things and people with my belly.... I surprised myself one day by saying "excuse us" as I tried to scoot around someone at a grocery store & the "us" I was referring to was me and my unborn baby. I love how you and Momo already seem like such a team. You are already so good at this Mom thing. Wishing you continued good news and lots of ice cream and pickles or whatever fun prego cravings you might have.

[Michelle Hurst]

Love the "ultrasound lovers anonymous"! I'm just at 12 weeks and have had 3 ultrasounds (twins from IVF), and wish I could have an u/s every week, you know, just to check things out!

[Davy S]

A due date would be exciting! I hope you are able to breathe a little easier as things progress.

[Jojo]

Your ability to still support this community amidst your own storm is admirable. You are going to be the best Mom! Xoxo