Standing at the borderland

Today was my first OBGYN appointment. I will just say upfront that Momo is fine. Blood monster is smaller. We are moving in the right direction.

My appointment was at 8:30am. I was seen around 10am. And got home around noon without having time to do the blood work they wanted because Noah needed to get to work. I've been completely spoiled by the private luxury offices of the fertility clinic. It's like going from the Ritz-Carlton to Motel 6. The nurses were total deadbeats and I felt so out of place. Not because I'm posh, but because I didn't know how to answer their questions. When was your last menstrual period? What was the flow like? Umm...I have a given "estimated date" but my last period was god knows when, I've been on so much medication. Are you or the baby's father a known carrier for any of the following genetic disorders? Umm...I, as the mother, and my husband, as the father are not. But we have no idea about the genetic mother and father--or rather egg and sperm. The egg donor was screened. That's what I know. 

The nurse seemed a little frustrated that I didn't fit into any of their boxes and it made me feel a little sad. I was confusing to the nurse, so she quickly did a domestic violence screening on me and then asked me to do a urine sample. I peed in the cup but couldn't find where to put it. I walked out with the pee and another nurse told me to go back into the waiting room. I looked at her and said, "I'm holding my own pee," and she rolled her eyes, put a little strip into the cup of pee to test for sugars or proteins or something, and told me to go dump the pee. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Is this how "normal" people are treated? 

My doctor is very sweet. Her equiptment is the 1990's version of the high tech gear my RE has, but it got the job done. Momo still has a beating heart, and she said it was strong. Though she didn't fully measure it because the machine wasn't "cooperating," she said the size looked fine. And the hematoma seemed smaller. Ok. I'm not too worried because I'll go to my RE on Monday and will get to clearly see what's happening in there. All that matters is Momo seems to be ok.

I got home and just felt...off. Where do I belong? My RE knows and understands my hyper-vigilance. To my OBGYN I must seems out of my mind, with my list of questions about miscarriage and abnormalities. She said not to worry because I will get to have all the major testing done because I will be "OF ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE" when I reach my expected due date. Advanced maternal age? I started trying for a baby when I turned 30! The fertility doc kept telling me how young I was. Now I'm an old bag?

Am I really in fact making this transition to the P world? It doesn't seem like it. And yet, maybe it should. And what about the fact that I really know nothing about Momo's genetics? For a moment it did make me sad. Somehow it made me feel...distant and like I wanted to apologize to Momo for not knowing. But then a more rational side of my brain reminded me that none of us really knows that much about anything. That we will learn about Momo's genetics as we go along. And that none of it really matters. Things may come up and we will deal with them. And maybe nothing will come up and all will be fine. Every one of us is a completely unique being. Momo especially.  Momo doesn't fit into any generic box, and that makes him (or her) special and beautiful. All that matters is that he/she is already loved by two strangers that rescued him from a cold, dark freezer one beautiful summer day in Seattle. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Jamie. I made an appointment with a genetic counselor and asked that I work with some one who is "sensitive to someone who has donor bits." Yup. That's what came out of my mouth and I was like, "what am I saying?" I have to work on the language a little here. I explained things to the woman and then was like, "look, I'm a nutcase, I'm super anxious, the embryo isn't genetically related to me or my husband so please just give us a counselor who can deal with a personality like mine and has some sensitivity." The woman on the phone seemed to have an idea of who to match me with. So we shall see. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Jamie]

Also, don't worry too much about knowing everything about the genetic testing part. The OB should refer you to a genetic counselor to help pick the right tests/labs for you. Our RE didn't really go over this part either.

[Jamie]

Hang in there. It is a rough transition but very normal to feel a little out of place in the pregnant world. I had a similar experience my first OB visit. I didn't fit the check boxes, my nurse was totally confused and the ultrasound machine was so outdated that they could not find the heartbeat. (I immediately called my RE in a panic so they could get me in to check on the baby) After some patience and education they finally caught on to why I was such a nervous wreck. I'm so glad to hear you are all doing well.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

OMG Jackie I haven't even thought about delivery, but I think it's all Kaiser. I mean, there's a lot of great things about the system but the nurses and support staff...ummm ????? Sometimes my weight, age and ethnicity seem to be totally different every visit. One step at a time. Thanks Lou and JCS. I had a fabulous weekend of being on my butt and throwing up. Yay to being sick!

[jackie]

Maya, First, congrats x1 billion. I'm so happy for you!
Also, I sympathize with you having Kaiser. I used to have them and every time it was a new nurse and it was like the first time every time, starting over. They never reviewed charts or had the slightest clue. Would you be delivering at a partnered hospital, hopefully? That's how it worked here (they were teamed up with a top, local non-Kaiser hospital).
-Jackie

[Lou]

So pleased that each step is going ok and that you are moving towards your goal. Fab news that Momo is strong. Happy weekend. X

[JCS]

This truly is the best hope blog out there. Every time I read it, my hope is renewed. We are all rooting for you! xoxo

And don't take no mess from those nurses. ;)

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing! Sounds like I'm not alone in these feelings. I actually like my OB and she's been as helpful as she can and gets why I'm a nut bag. But I have Kaiser insurance and it's kind of a behemoth! Just pure chaos. The nurses and support staff are...I don't even know. I found one nurse that's been great to me but haven't met her in person. So...Umm...a special lab for donor conceived babies? I've never heard of that?! I haven't "graduated from the RE yet so maybe that's what is on my diploma? Though shouldn't the Seattle clinic have said something to me before they gave me the boot last week? I never thought of all of these things--like what does it mean in regards for testing etc. if it isn't our genetic material? I didn't think it would matter because if they find stuff, wouldn't they just find it? I'll have to ask on Monday. Lisa--you have 2 years before "advanced maternal age" sets in. Enjoy the weekend sister! And yeah. The egg donor was 29...my eggs are like, 78, my body is 35--ish... What a hot mess. I'm kind of laughing. No wonder the nurses were confused. It's confusing. The sperm was 46. When I said that my OB did not look pleased. It kind of upset me but I didn't want to say anything. What can I do now? Momo is whatever Momo is and he's growing. I have zero info on the sperm other than age, weight, ethnicity and the fact he likes cooking and being outdoors. I'm banking on the fact that a health child was born from this batch of embryos, even though I know no embryo is created equal. I'm overwhelmed. I think I'll go eat cake. Have a great weekend everyone!

[Weylin]

I have to say that when I read this, a day before starting stims for a combined own egg/donor egg cycle and meeting the cold substitute RE again (two years ago, she was the first to bluntly tell me I should use donor eggs), I thought- I would give my right arm to be where you are. I know the progesterone is painful and the waiting and hope even more so, but you can actually choose to feel pregnant. Who gives a hoot how lousy the nurses are- fertility clinics aren't a privilege, they are more concerned exactly because we are all advancing in maternal age, yet consistently unpregnant.

I am so grateful for your story and sensibility and relieved that Momo is pulling through. The fact that you can get worried about Momo's genetics and what it'll be like to parent, is a GOOD sign.

[Meg]

So happy to hear that Momo is doing well! I know that becoming a " normal" pregnant patient is hard because you never feel "normal".

[Grace]

If I get pregnant soon I will be in the same boat, started trying at 30 and having a baby at 35. It's so rude to be advanced when we had to work so hard to get here!

I would second (or third?) the thought about switching OBs, I would find a very caring, experienced with IVF patients, OB to go to. Also, one who won't think you are totally crazy when you need more attention and help. You've been through so much and are so strong, but you deserve some hand holding!

As a fellow donor person (I will have donor egg) remember that any genetic testing has to be sent to 'special lab'. I have not been informed what special lab is, but just that I am to ask my OB for it because otherwise test results come back all wonky since the baby isn't your genetic material. You've probably been told this, but just in case :-)

[Lauren]

Congrats on continuing to pass these milestones, Maya! But, FFS, what is wrong with those nurses!? No, that's not normal behaviour...

And, by the way, all those genetic tests related to AMA (ugh, the only thing worse is "elderly primigravida") are irrelevant. Our babies don't share our genes, therefore they don't have the same risks of Down syndrome as babies conceived by a woman over 35. Definitely seek clarification.

So excited you're "P" and look forward to when you add the r, the e, the g... Meanwhile, be well xo

[A Few Good Eggs]

First of all, congratulations on another good ultrasound and appointment (in terms of how Momo looks). The transition from RE to OB is tough. The equipment is not as good and the nurses are not as sensitive or as knowledgeable about unique situations... but what you are describing seems a little over the top (the pee cup bit in particular). Are you sure you want to stick with your current OB? Your RE might be able to recommend a practice that could be a better fit. Either way... what great news for a Friday and congratulations!!!

[Brooke]

Congratulations! I'm glad everything is still going ok for you! I was a nervous wreck through week 10 after my IVF (ok...let's be honest...i just hit 15 weeks and am still a wreck). I also had a subchorionic bleed, but mine was fairly small from the start and is pretty much non-existant now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

As for the move to the OB - I totally feel your pain. I am at a midwife clinic with a head OB. Their equipment is old and going from having an ultrasound every appointment to only peeing in a cup and hearing a doppler was quite a change. My nurses barely call me with any information and when I had questions about finally getting off of my progesterone supplements at 14 weeks, it was awful...they were SO confused and I got the run around for an entire WEEK before freaking out enough that the OB brought me in for a dinosaur-age ultrasound "just to make me feel better." I'm officially the CRAZY person that goes there, I think.

In the end - we have EVERY right to worry about our little baby that we've worked SO DAMN HARD for. Many women that these people see don't know what its like to wait and wait and wait and have to be poked and prodded just to achieve something that biology should just do. The worry is crazy and I am not even fully half way there yet. I've stopped feeling bad for it though. This poor kid is going to have a helicopter mom for life :) haha. Anyway - take care!

[My Life As A Case Study]

So glad Momo is doing well! XO

[Jillian]

I understand your feelings entirely concerning the OB transition. When we experienced the miscarriage of our first donor pregnancy the doctor outright asked us how much a donor costs and then stated, "we'll wasn't that just a wash down the toilet." As I lay there vulnerable and utterly devastated. It was a moment that I will never forget. There are so many wonderful and caring practitioners and nurses in OB land but I have found there is a world divided in lack off understanding and there is a general assumption in all cases that each baby was made in the exact same way. It is very sad reminder for those who took the road trip and not the direct flight. Beyond happy for you and your husband. Momo has already given readers a reason to hope even in the darkest of times. He/she is helping people before they have even arrived. Thinking of you, be well!

[Jojo]

Moving to a regular OB after an RE is a shock. I oscillated between liking the casualness because it meant my pregnancy was 'normal' and hating how cold and impersonal it was. I would always tell the nurses that it was an IVF baby in hopes they would treat me kinder but it only worked half the time. So sorry that you had that experience but HAPPY that Momo is beating away. Might I suggest you ask the OB office what time/ day appt has the best chance of not keeping you waiting when you book future appts. That helps a lot with the experience if you aren't sitting there for so long.

[Lisa]

Can I slap those nurses through the computer screen for you? Ughhh, how annoying and insensitive. Don't they know that many of the women in that office are probably pregnant for the first time and they are probably nervous, excited, scared or all three and that maybe they should be a little more professional and caring? All the nurses at my RE's office are the nicest, sweetest, ladies. I guess I should be even more grateful now after reading your update. And gosh, I'm 33 and knowing I'm of advanced maternal age doesn't make my Friday either! ha! So glad to hear Momo is beating away and getting stronger! he must have kicked the blood monster's booty this week! Very happy for you and Noah! Enjoy your weekend!

[Julie]

Awwww I loved the last part of this post, when you talk about what really matters, it gave me goose bumps. What a beautiful story to tell your grand children. I'm so happy for you and Noah. Can't wait to see the first family picture with your baby in your arms.