There really is no rescue boat

When I first got my passport stamped to enter IF Island, I didn't really know what was happening. I had to go to that Stirrup Queens website to look up the acronyms, because I didn't speak the language. I started searching for other blogs I could relate to and sometimes it was helpful, sometimes it was overwhelming. I decided to start this blog as a way to kind of find my own voice in this, and to hopefully be able to share with others. 

I remember early on, coming across infertility blogs of people who had gone on to get P and then parent. And while part of me felt relieved and genuinely happy for them and the knowledge that this can work for people and people do get out, I also felt a little...annoyed? Jealous? Those are not exactly the right words. But I was slightly turned off by the blogs of people who had become P and then only wrote about being P. It made sense, that was now their experience, and the thing about blogs is they happen in real time. But I felt a little...abandoned, because I was in the absolute depths of my IF despair. There were moments where I even forgot what the goal was because all I could see was the next needle in front of me or the crossed-off cycle calendar and empty prescription bottles in the trash. 

I remember saying to Noah, "what's going to happen to the blog if we ever get pregnant?" He looked at me like I was a complete idiot and said something about that being the goal and still being able to write about both. I guess in my mind once P happened I thought a rescue boat would scoot up to the Island, and a sexy Brazilian guy would hand me (and Noah of course) a virgin margarita and zip me off to another Island where people just talked about baby names and complained about P symptoms. I couldn't have been more wrong. There's no speedy rescue boat, and definitely no sexy Brazilian. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is being a little P and then slowly gaining momentum towards being solidly P actually just feels like another step in the infertility journey. Granted, it's the big step we all want to take, but I'm definitely not off the Island. I will never abandon my fellow Islanders and this blog is not going to shift to being all about P. I honestly know nothing about that anyway, but I'm learning and I so appreciate the guidance and comments from all of you who are or have been P.

Many people are just starting their journey, doing their first IUI or IVF, coming off of their first cancelled cycle, waiting for their first betas, deciding to move to third party or adoption. I'm going to do my best to continue to write about all these things and am going to get better at posting more video, though I have to say it kind of upsets me when I see how young Noah and I (and our RE) look when we first started ART. I think four years on IF Island aged us exponentially!

So I guess that was a wordy way to say I'm still infertile. (Ugh, I hate that word) and that's still what this blog is about. It's about the journey and about learning how to pick yourself up again when you've been knocked down, yet again. I really hope I don't have to experience that heartbreak again. I know it would be way worse than it's ever been. So I'll continue to focus on the positives and imagine and visualize Momo growing and hanging on and becoming the baby that was meant to be our baby. I'm going to be grateful to feel completely sick to my stomach and on bed rest until further notice. I'm going to hope to see a stronger heartbeat and a bigger gummy bear at tomorrow's ultrasound, and I'll do my very best to surrender the process with all it's unknowns. 

And I wish everyone out there, not matter where you are in your process lots of love and strength. 

Comments

[Lisa]

I'm so happy you intend to keep blogging as things progress with you and Momo. I completely understand when other ladies quit blogging after they leave the island, though. It's such a traumatic experience that who can blame them for just wanting to move on. But even if they quit I'm still so grateful for the contribution to the island while they were there. Anyone who shares their story in any way, for any period of time, contributes to increasing awareness, and that's a good thing.

[Zara]

Beautifully written. You moved me to tears. Thank you, Maya for always remembering the rest of us who are still waiting in line for our own miracles. Rest well & take care!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Beautifully said WBC!

[WBC]

I'm with Maya in the recently a little P and slowly becoming more solidly P boat, and am also struggling with where to go and what to feel next. My two cents are that although I will always carry with me the scars of needing to work SO hard and spend SO many resources to get where I am, I look forward to those scars fading with time. The infertility struggle is only one of the many struggles that a person may experience in life. Yes, IF is very unfair, but life is just unfair. Some people get pregnant easily, but then have children with major disabilities, or tragic illnesses, or they grow into adults who their parents cannot be proud of. I am not trying to be overly dramatic and hope that I am not sounding preachy, but I am starting to realize that getting P (or however you get your child) is just the beginning of a long journey, and there will be many instances where I will feel like I have no control over the outcome (just like with infertility). So although I will always identify with my fellow Islanders, and will continue to help them in whatever way I can, I would like to happily and gratefully move on to the next destination. Personally, I have found it doesn't do me any good to spend the rest of my life resenting "the fertiles" and how they just went on vacation and got pregnant, because if we live long enough, we will all have our experiences with heartbreak and struggle. I hope to carry my experiences on IF island as a badge with pride, but not let it permanently damage me.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments. I'm trying to figure out where this is all going...on the blog and in my uterus. It's all a little wait and see. I understand the different view points on P posts and creating separate spaces and will think about it all and come up with something. I;m so sorry for those who wrote about bad news. Lisa--if your Dr. Jabara is the same as my Dr. Jabara then you're in good hands and hopefully he will help you in the next step. I know it's all scary. Becky, I forgot to even mention the idea that sometimes the posts just completely stop. Like, "OMG I'm out, See ya later! Peace out!" That's not me at all, but I hear what Kas is saying about being in another area of the Island and having to figure out what to do with all that. Thanks for all your honest comments. JCS--good luck. Having good looking frosties is great! MOve forward when you're ready! And only then. MJ, I send much love to you. Three rounds and feeling like you're father away from your goal is upsetting. I hope you do find a way to create your family. I thought all was lost when my sister's donated eggs didn't work. I had no idea where to go from there. Then I discovered embryo donation and a new hope was restored. Sometimes that's what happens. You get to rock bottom and discover a tiny, frail, skinny ladder that might get you out. Good luck.

[Rebecca]

I am dying for an update on Momo!

[Kas]

Ok, so I'll be breaking out of the line here a little bit. I started my blog a year ago, half a year into our treatments, in my native language (I live in US, but English is not my first language). I found several other infertility bloggers, who started around the same time as me... they are all pregnant now (in their second or third trimesters) - I'm not kidding, all of them.. and most of them turned to starting separate pregnancy blogs. I actually totally understand that. As much as infertility becomes a part of the rest of our lives, the part of ourselves, when you get pregnant and cautiously await to pass certain crucial milestones - you do want to experience the process just as any other fertile person would, you do want to be happy, you do want to enjoy the beautiful state you're in, and you want to believe that it's a totally new chapter for you. I understand leaving the IF blog on, posting from time to time but mostly leaving it open for other, new Islanders to read and educate themselves. Because for me - a fighting infertile - other blogs serve as a huge book of wisdom, personal approach to the subject, with not just medical facts, but also with the whole emotional rollercoaster that this fight brings on. That's what I need and look for. It's wonderful to read about success stories, after all if there weren't that many success stories, what would be the chance of me ever graduating..? And I do feel happy with every successful pregnancy, not jealous, possibly sad that I'm still in the line to get off the island, but genuinely happy for others. And - personally - I'd tend to visit an infertility-turned-pregnancy blog from time to time - as I know those girls still genuinely care about the rest of the Islanders, I'd probably keep on following infertility blogs more often. As I'm still fighting. It feels natural to me.
And - I also feel like it's only natural for girls who got off the Island to start new blogs and new chapters of their lives. Again, as much as the witch infertility is part of us for ever, we do have the right to do our best to tame it, to make it the past and not the present or the future, to move on and be happy, because let's be honest, even if infertility makes us stronger (for me it's actually turned to be the opposite), whatever it does - it does not make us happy. Whatever our final destination is, be it pregnancy, adoption or living childless.
I hope I'm not sounding too harsh, I understand each of us is different, has a different baggage & emotional intelligence, different needs - to me it feels natural to keep the two worlds separate. Saying that - I don't know what would be the good time to move on (first trimester, second, third, delivery??) - it's probably different for each of us, but I see this as a natural consequence of moving on..

[Deb]

Maya, thank you for your thoughtfulness! I think IF traumatizes us, but it also makes us stronger. Who else at our ages has confronted their health, age, mortality, relationship, desires and futures as profoundly as we have? That's why you'll always be part of the community (in a good way) even as your particular battle to have a child is eventually won.

I wanted to comment on your other entry with Momo's first ultrasound, but I don't know if you look back at comments on older posts. Anyway, I encountered this really cool website visembryo.com and thought of you and Momo in his buffalo stage. It describes embryo development by day in so much more detail than the typical "your baby is now the size of an eraser head" nonsense, and includes fascinating images. Embryo development is so fascinating and wonderful! I hope you take a look and enjoy it, and that Momo continues on this truly wondrous process of becoming a little human!

[Jojo]

Of course only you would be so thoughtful and so introspective. I recently got my 'ticket off the island' but feel more and more connected to the IF community. It's like the island is your hometown and you are leaving your family and friends and a piece of you. I feel instantly annoyed or upset when pregnant ladys complain of symptoms or act nonchalant. I don't think I will ever be 'one of them'. I feel joy and happiness for my miracle but feel resentful to other Fertiles pregnancy announcements because I want it to be a fellow IFer and I want all her pain to go away because doesn't she deserve it more? Hasn't she earned it with all the pain and hardship? But let me say that we all want to celebrate with you and lift you up. You are an inspiration- I hope that Brazilian guy shows up and brings chips and quacamole and massages your shoulders on the boat ride off the island.

[Catherine]

Beautiful words. Thank you

[MJ]

I just started following your blog recently, as I have been through 3 unsuccessful IVF rounds since March and there is little hope. You are an amazing writer, and thank you for sharing your journey in such an honest, unfiltered way. I pray for you every day - you deserve this miracle, you more than deserve it, and I will continue to send positive thoughts your way.

[JCS]

I don't mind if you talk about your pregnancy non-stop and get all wrapped up in the glow. You deserve it, lady! That said, I totally get the feeling of abandonment when people move on in their journey. Right now, I have two little frozen embryos (PGD tested and good to go!) but we are having to go through more tests before a transfer which is delaying things a bit. Although I want to be as smart about things as possible, I often feel really impatient- especially when people I know get pregnant or grow closer to their due dates. I feel like, "Why can't this just happen already?!" Arg.

Good luck tomorrow! I'll be thinking of you. :)

[Ninou]

Such an interesting post Maya. I am in the same journey and I also feel very weird about being supposedly "on the other side". I don't feel on the other side. I also wonder, if everything goes well and the pregnancy sticks, how am I going to relate to those mum-friends which I've had resentment against because I felt like they excluded me and did not try to understand me? Is everything going to be back to normal? I don't think so.
Anyway, I think about all my fellows on IF Island, yes, they are still my fellows, not only because I am not totally out of there yet, but they will always be anyway. If I can finally sail away and arrive safely to the other shore, I hope there is a shuttle ferry, 'cause I am planning on visiting..

[Rebecca]

The funny thing about being pregnant right now is that I feel like I want to be around and read about infertiles even more. I've been spending the week putting together a care package for a friend starting IVF, because that feels like the best thing to do, more so than reading the What to Expect boards. And there is also something about not having to worry so much about myself that gives me freedom to read about failures and successes and not feel despair or jealousy. It's a really weird place to be, but I definitely feel more at home in the infertility crowd than I think I ever will with all the moms around me.

It's crazy how we spend all this time just trying to get pregnant. And then we get pregnant and realize that the journey has not ended. At all. It's still just as scary on this side.

[Lisa]

Needed this today; got bad news on my 2nd beta yesterday (2nd cycle with clomid/IUI). I let myself cry on the way home, left work early and then took a nap for 3 hours; was awakened at 7:15pm by my sweet husband who had bought me the most awesome potted plant with an orchid. He never buys me flowers and this was just what I needed. I let myself cry some more last night, texted my mom and sister with the "I'm 0-2" and cried some more when my mom texted back encouraging things and even saying it took her 4 years to conceive me. 4 years!? I'm 2 years in and can't take another 2 years. I know it's not hereditary, or is it (?), but still at least she can relate. Picked myself up late last night, emailed Dr. Jabara and found out this morning what the next plan is. And of course, it includes injections and more $$ of course...but I'm trying to stay optimistic, relaxed and positive. So happy for you and Momo Maya. Praying you only get good news tomorrow and that the little guy has grown and the monster has shrunk.

[Becky]

Great perspective, Maya. I've followed other infertility blogs only for them to get pregnant & VOILA...no further posts. Really? That's just not cool. It feels very abrupt...like a good friend just stopped all communication w/no warning! I appreciate your honesty. I've also had conflicting feelings when someone that's blogging has positive news. I KNOW every infertile woman deserves it & I feel mostly elated for them...but I'm not gonna lie there is a tiny tinge of not so positive thoughts as well. And it's hard to wait for the next post, b/c your let down is also our pain so it can be tough to become invested & fall again w/the blogger!! As much as we ALL want good news, it's just another reminder that my time has not come yet. And yet, it's also a great reminder that one way or another we will all find a way off this crappy island. On a brighter note, keep fighting. You give me a lot of HOPE!!