There's no such thing as smooth sailing off IF Island

So yesterday at work, I ran to the bathroom just before seeing a client, and there was blood. Red blood. What felt like a decent amount of blood. I freaked out. Cried for two minutes. Pulled it together enough to see my client, and then a friend drove me to my RE, where I saw this:

That's Momo. The good news is Momo has all the bits of possibly becoming a baby. At 5 weeks and a day or so, there was a yolk sac and the beginnings of a fetal pole. I have no idea what those things are and it feels a little weird thinking about what is going on in my body right now, but they are good things. There is something in there. My RE was not pleased with the fact I was bleeding, and the shape of the overall sac. He wanted it to be more round, less oval. He would be a very difficult person to pick out a diamond ring for--he's pretty particular. I asked what it could mean and basically what I'm gathering is it could mean absolutely nothing. Blood happens some times and the Seattle nurse said sometimes progesterone causes some bleeding. Or it could mean the sac is collapsing and on it's way out. While he said a lot of positive things, I've been fixated on the word collapsing.

It really is a terrible word in general. There is nothing good about the word collapsing, unless you are talking about a terrorist organization or a dictatorship. 

I notice that my brain does this. It holds onto the bad news or the uncertain part. It doesn't help me at all to feel more worried. I'm training my brain to be more pragmatic and balanced. There is good news and there is bad news. That's usually the case with me. So I have to see it all for what it is. More information and more uncertainty. I had a beta HCG blood draw yesterday and will go back again tomorrow to do it again so he can see if the number is rising. That will tip the scale in favor of good news. Until then, I've been instructed to sit on my giant, bruised, lumpy ass and "just relax." If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me I'd be able to afford these fertility treatments!

Noah believes that the key to Momo's survival is protein powder. Noah believes the key to most things surviving is protein powder. So I'm drinking my chalky protein shakes and staying hydrated and trying my best not to Google "abnormal gestational sac."  What did we do before Google? We all must have been so much saner!

I'm choosing to believe that sometimes blood happens, and it's normal and ok. I'm choosing to believe that Momo is a fighter and with the help of Noah's magical protein powder, he will be fine. I'm now getting a second progesterone shot to the butt daily (yay!) so maybe that will help too. And that's all I can do at this juncture.

Happy Friday everyone! Have a fabulous weekend.

Comments

[KJ]

Oh Maya, I'm so sorry to hear about your scare. So glad to hear things seem to be progressing and Momos hanging on. All of this is so scary and uncertain. Try to keep the faith, crazy things happen every day. I'm glad you were able to get some comfort from my story. I thought for sure it was over. I cried for days and insanely monitored how much I was bleeding. But it turned out ok. Stay hopeful.

[A Few Good Eggs]

Oh, Maya, thinking of you and hoping for only good things. Why can't everything just go smoothly?

[Rainbeforerainbow.wordpress.com]

Thinking of you and hoping for the best!!!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

KJ-Your comment really came in at the right time. Massive blood last night, with...blobs. Going in tomorrow to see if Momo is still in there and reading your comment couldn't have come at a better moment. Thank you. Samantha, Lisa and Prea--much thanks to you too. I'm not going to obsess about sacs and clots...just going to do the best I can to stay calm and positive.

[KJ]

Maya, I just want to chime in on my experience too. When I was pregnant with my son I had bright red bleeding. I went to the er and they did an ultrasound. They said that the sac was measuring small and for as high as my betas were they expected to see more. They sent me home with a pamphlet about miscarriage. A few days later I had another ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat. When I told my doctor what the dr at the er told me about the sac measuring small, she said that was outrageous and that that early in a pregnancy the sac can change hourly. He just turned 5 this week. You have lots of reason to stay hopeful.

[Lisa]

Hang in there, girl! Fingers crossed and saying prayers for you.

[Prea]

Maya, my mother used to tell me that her mom-in-law, my granny would not let her study or know the details of her pregnancy and labour symptoms (this was in 1986) I was born prematurely, but my mother says, she was'nt stressed at all..i think we IF'rs unluckily have an info overload. Try not to think too much and go with the flow..

[samantha]

Looking at your photo, I went and took a look at mine from around the same time - it looks a little more oval, by ten weeks it had rounded out. I don't think the u/s wand is perfect at getting the shape, and Utilda will have her own shape and tilt too. Increasing Beta is huge, Momo is still sending out the hormones like a champ! *hugs*

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. The positive ones make me feel really hopeful and calmer and the less than positive situations remind me that we really never know what might happen. I'm well aware of my red flags along the way, and I'm not delusional about the reality of my situation. But I'm optimistic and trying to believe this can happen and Momo and stay and grow and be our baby. No two situations are the same and every body is different. It's all very tentative and scary but we just have to do the best we can. I'm doing the best I can right now. My beta on Thurs was 1635. Today it is 2756. That's a good rise. I'll take it. But the doc is still concerned about the size (a little small) and shape (oval ish) of the sac. Good news and not so good news. That's been my story all along. The only way we will know how this goes is to hang tight, stay off Google (I know, I know), and see what happens at my ultrasound on Aug 11th. Again, thanks to everyone for sharing. I'm glad we can learn from each other and keep it real for each other. Sending love to everyone out there!

[CIn]

You sound so much like me. And so, I'll tell you what my husband always tells me... "Don't jump out of the boat just because there's a little water in it." He's right about 99% of the time. The boat isn't sinking and it's just a little water. Stay positive. (Oh and yes, I've been reading your blog for about a year and living on IF Island. Sigh)

[Dee]

Miracle stories are just that - miracles. If they were the norm for everyone, they'd just be called stories. Trust in your doctor and trust in yourself. Those are the only two things that will determine if Momo will make it. Good luck to you!

[Dee]

Miracle stories are just that - miracles. If they were the norm for everyone, they'd just be called stories. Trust in your doctor and trust in yourself. Those are the only two things that will determine if Momo will make it. Good luck to you!

[Meg]

I'm hoping so hard that all is okay. I know how hard it is to think positively when nothing has ever done right before, so I won't tell you to "stay positive". But seeing the sac and fetal pole is a good sign. Thinking of you.

[Valerie]

i second the friable cervix possibility. mine is fried right now, and I haven't been on hormones for a month.

also, you may already know this but momo is also a term for a Tibetan dumpling, it's a super cute name...

[Jojo]

Just so you know- my betas were almost exactly similar, I had bleeding around this time and that looks exactly like my first picture of my miracle baby I am holding in my arms. You got this!

[Dee]

I have to be honest with you, your doctor is right that an oblong sac is not a good sign. How do I know this? When my RE performed my ultrasound at 6 weeks in my first pregnancy she said everything looked perfect - the sac was nice and round and that if there were any chromosomal issues it would look "floppy". I ended up having to terminate my very much-wanted pregnancy at 13 weeks because at my 12 week ultrasound with my OB they found problems indicating a genetic condition that was not compatible with life (continuing the pregnancy was a major health risk). I was shell-shocked. Everything looked perfect before! Just goes to show that looks aren't everything. I really hope you prove your doctor wrong (and possibly me), but your low betas, bleeding and abnormal-looking sac seem to indicate problems. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. I've found that people have the best intentions and want you to feel better, to reassure you that everything will be alright. Despite all the nice things people were telling me, it wasn't alright for me, but thankfully it wasn't the end either. It took me another year before I got pregnant again and I'm hoping this is my take-home baby. No matter what happens, know that people are rooting for you and if it's not alright, it's not the end.

[Deirdre]

Praying for you and Momo.

[Jill B @ hopinghopefloats.blogspot.com]

hang in there. I agree - stay off google. The most important thing is the baby is there and growing.

[samantha]

I had bleeding at five weeks, hydration and rest as much possible whilst its happening. If it turns to brown blood, thats good and means its not active. My little guy survived a massive clot up in there with him. Seeing a sac and fetal pole is amazing! By 5w6d, we were able to see a flicker, which is essentially the cells that have been assigned cardiac duty.

Protein shakes and extra PIO for the win!

[Jayne]

Hang in there lady ~ thinking of you!!

[Kerry]

Hang in there. I can't tell you how much I relate to this---I've been where you are right now so many times..and I know you have, too. It's so hard to be hopeful when you are constantly steeling yourself for bad news. And its so hard to be hopeful when you never get the "looks great!" from your doctor. Please know I'm rooting for you guys! Every bump in this long road is leading you to the baby you were meant to have. I hope that baby is Momo:)

[Courtney]

Thinking of you daily!!!

[Laura]

Hi! Congrats on seeing Momo! I know how scary the bleeding is. I had heavy bleeding, complete with big blood clots right at 5 weeks. I was on a flight at the time it started and as soon as I could, I called my OB. She had me go in for a scan as soon as I got home and there it was, a little heartbeat on my 6 week old "Beanie". Beanie is about to turn 8 years old in a few days. There's lots of hope in that little 5 week old Momo. Much love to you!

[Corynn]

I just wanted to say hang in there. I went through the exact same thing at 5 weeks, got an ultrasound and saw a sac (gestational only, no yolk). I got the whole "sometimes women just bleed" explanation and continued getting it for about 25 weeks (but it became more specific as scarier situations would arise - "sometimes women bleed bright red blood", "sometimes women bleed as much or more than a period", "sometimes women pass clots", "sometimes women pass small amounts of tissue", etc) until we were finally able to figure out what it is (friable cervix, which is harmless but sure can create some terrifying moments). Now here I sit about to hit 30 weeks and I still bleed from time to time - I still hate it (it's like his cruel reminder that none of this has been easy for me) but I usually just take a step back and see this as my body telling me to slow down.

Anyway...that's my long winded way of saying you're still in this - blood truly does not always mean that it's over. I have a good feeling about it even if you're in the throes of disbelief, self protection, etc that infertility instills in us. Just take it day by day by day....

[Rachel Landowski]

Hi Maya,
I've been following your blog for a couple of weeks. I'm not sure how I found it- maybe from
Resolve- I've spent a little time there. Thank you so much for writing. You are so inspiring and more down to earth than a lot of IF islanders (though I don't blame anyone for not being down to earth on this crazy ride). We were diagnosed a year ago with male factor- although they think I have some pcos and possibly a hybrid other brain issue where I don't send out proper hormone signals or something. We are on our first Ivf try and I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow. I had a ton of bleeding last week and thought for sure we'd lost the pregnancy- but miraculously the two hcg numbers have risen normally. Thanks for sharing your experience, you've made me feel almost "normal". I also have a blog ( http://rkdazzle.blogspot.com) I just started for family and friends. It's not nearly as professional as yours but I thought I would share it since we are on similar timetables and have the shared bleeding experience (scariest thing ever). Lots of love and good vibes to you and Noah.