Ultrasound Junkie

I'm kind of an addict. Nothing makes me feel higher than seeing that little black blob on the ultrasound monitor. And we saw it again today. Exhale. 

Saturday night looked like a murder scene in our bathroom. Gross, but I'm just going to say it. I was scared. I know bleeding is "normal" but none of what is happening feels normal. And when you see chunks and blobs of bloody...stuff, yeah...the feeling is far from normal.

Our doctor has been so great out here. He stays calm but takes me seriously and is willing to do whatever to give me reassurance. He asked if I wanted to take the ultrasound machine home and for a split second I thought he was being serious and I thought, "Yeah, I think we can fit that in the car." I'm an idiot. 

So Momo is fighting to stay in there. I imagine my uterus is like a dark outer space, and Momo is a little moon in the vast nothingness. He's having to dodge flying pieces of who knows what that are falling and oozing, but he's ok. Still hanging on. We go back August 11th (can I really wait that long?) to see if he has a little beating heart. 

I've never felt so crazy and paranoid in my life. That's not entirely true, but it's kind of true. This whole business of infertility and being a little P after years of infertility can make a sane gal nuts and a somewhat sane gal really nuts! I'm constantly bringing myself back to the facts that I know now. In this moment Momo is still there. He's growing and hanging on and I'm not bleeding anymore. Thems the facts. 

My mom is making me lunch and I'm joyously scratching my lumpy progesterone filled butt cheeks with a plastic fork. Anyone else get totally itchy from progesterone in oil? Apparently that too is "normal," though I'm not sure my tactic for making it feel better is.

Thanks to everyone for sending love and support and for posting comments about similar experiences. It really helps! 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing and sending well wishes. I'm totally terrified about what is about to happen. I see that these kind of sub-whatever hematomas can happen to people but my doc says mine is very large and there is separation between the sac and whatever it's clinging on to. Not good. I guess it's not over until it's over. Trying to be hopeful

[Kas]

Maya, it's sooo easy to get addicted to ultrasounds if that's the only way to let you know your baby is doing fine.. and so absolutely normal. :)

We're 5w2d today and I started spotting yesterday. I'm beyond scared right now as I'm waiting for my third beta results & a word of advice from my nurse. I find myself at a place where I'm too scared to think of what if.. and not being able to focus on anything else. If it's not purgatory, I don't know what is..

Continually keeping my fingers crossed for Momo and hoping that one day really soon all of you are going to start relaxing and enjoying this beautiful state.

Kas

[Jess]

Maya, I've been quietly reading your story and rooting for you throughout my own adventures on IF island. Reading your most recent post, I wanted to share part of my story in hopes that it offers some reassurance. After a year of failed IUIs, 1 fresh IVF and 2 FETs later I finally conceived. I should note that once I approached that year mark of TTC, I wasn't sure if I could bear to push on any further (financially/emotionally/physically). Thankfully, I finally found my miracle (a word I never thought possible in the science-heavy way I was trying to make a baby).
At about 5.5 weeks, once I finally started to relax into the idea of being pregnant, the bleeding started. Happened about 1-2x/week (gushes of bright red, and in one instance some unmistakeable tissue material/clot) and continued until about week 9.5, oftentimes a day after an ultrasound. Turns out I had a small subchorionic hematoma (I also have a blood clotting disorder, which I take medication for, so I believe SCH's are a symptom of that) which thankfully subsided over time. I am now 34 weeks as of today.
I don't know if you have discussed the possibility of a SCH with your doctor, but for what it's worth I wanted to share. It can be beyond scary (certainly was for me), and the only thing it seemed I could do was just rest, kick my feet up, and drink plenty of liquid. I just wanted you to know that, while my doctor did explain to me "well, any bleeding is not technically 'normal,'" it most certainly does not have to mean the end. I hope baby Momo keeps on fighting and that you can finally emerge from this scary current state so you can begin enjoying your pregnancy! Best of luck to you.

[Catherine]

This blog is bringing me so much joy and heartbreak and hope for my own IF crappy journey in Australia. Thank you for sharing xxx

[jessica]

Btw I just wanted to let u know that I know how u r feeling. My first ivf was a failure. I only had 4 eggs and no embryos. I was told that it was my age. I was also told that something is wrong with me. The doctor had never seen eggs quite so soft. He told me that I now had a 5 percent chance. So then I spoke with another lady who recommended another place that specialized in cases like mine. I met with the dr there and he said he doesn't believe that I had mysterious soft eggs. He also said maybe my guy could also be contributing to the problem. So they tested him and sure enough he had no acrosomes. He then went on to say the only way we could get embryos is if we used something called calcium ionophore. Well we did what he suggested and sure enough it worked! Im 3 weeks past transfer and am pregnant! And to think we only had a 5 percent chance.
I am now in the same boat u r in. I too am panicking and worrying about losing this baby. My heart aches for you every time I read your blog and you are hurting. I think u are one of the bravest ppl on the planet to go thru all of this and still have that amazing sense of humor! I love reading your blog! You are an inspiration to us all here on infertility island. Hopefully we will all soon escape! !!

[jessica]

I just wanted to let u know that I am one week behind you. I hope all goes well for u. U so deserve it! *hugs

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks everyone on Team Momo!! This little bean really is a joint effort. It sounds like a lot of you can relate to this anxiety and thankfully many of you have had positive outcomes, or are in a similar place as I am. It's scary. Glad I'm not the only one with a case of the itchy bottom--though I don't have hives, that sounds terrible. Nice to see a husband who was able to muscle through the joys of an angry itchy wife. Noah feels you! Good luck to everyone getting ultrasounds this week. I swear I can't exhale until I see the black blob. IF Island is filled with a lot of variation of the same traumatic story--but it is nice to remember we aren't alone and that people do survive. Sending lots of strength and calm to everyone out there still in the battle.

[Lisa]

I was so happy reading this. IF island sucks and I'm glad it looks like you are sailing away. Are you still seeing Dr. "J" in L.A.? He's my doc too.

[Thrilled for my daughter]

My daughter is the one that showed me your blog, what you are doing with your blog is what I wish she would have done. My daughter and husband went through three failed IVF procedures, the 4th one worked. I recall my daughter telling me about a conversation she had with one of her coworkers. The coworker asked my daughter if she wanted to be pregnant or if she wanted a baby. Of course the intent of the message was known, if ultimately a baby was my daughter's desire than why not go another route. My daughter responded that at that moment, "SHE WANTED IT ALL!" When a couple fall in love, plan marriage, plan a future, the promise of children is there. Unless of course, children are not something they wish to have. Certainly a personal choice.
Not all fertility centers are created equal, no pun intended! My joy is not for my husband and I as first time grandparents but for my daughter and her husband as first time parents.
This whole journey to becoming parents is a personal one. One for you and your husband to travel. Of course you have many cheerleaders, the people that love you so much they would make a baby appear out of thin air if they could. There are also skeptics, people that make thoughtless comment-not intended to hurt, and people who are down right cruel. Again, your journey!

[Kandie]

So happy to hear this! Momo is strong! Can't wait for you to see and hear that little heartbeat on the screen.

[Dee]

Oh, and I just noticed the progesterone shots are causing itchy red lumps to appear on my rear end. I've heard from others that it's normal, but if it gets really bad, you may want to switch progesterone prescriptions to one that's in a different oil. Apparently, sesame oil allergies are quite common. My doctor said to make sure you aren't leaving your bandaids on for too long and to apply a low dose cortisone cream (1-2%) to the affected area. I did that just last night and I'm already seeing an improvement. I don't like using medications unless instructed to do so, so I'm planning on using the cortisone cream as sparingly as possible.

[Dee]

So happy to hear Momo's still hanging on! My acupuncturist has been working with me to develop a mantra. At first it was "Life is good right now and it's getting better." When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I didn't know how I'd feel since I lost the pregnancy before. I was informing my health insurance representative of my latest condition when I had an epiphany. The mantra I came up with on my own is "I will not let fear overtake this pregnancy." I hope you celebrate every milestone. I still have moments from my last pregnancy that make me smile. No matter what happens, those are the moments that stay with you and make you yearn for more. And if an ultrasound gives you cause for celebration, get comfortable in those stirrups!

[Ninou]

Yeeeeees!! So happy Momo is still here! I am also a little P, almost exactly at the same stage, and after years of trying, so I really fully understand the craziness you are going through... Going tomorrow for an u/s to check that everything is ok and am holding my breath already!
Sending you lots of positive vibes!

[Meg]

I'm so glad that Momo is hanging in there! Such good news.

[jackie]

Maya, I have a very good feeling about this, Maya!
How many weeks/days are you now? I had an US back in Feb at 5w5d and saw pulsing but no real HB. Dr. said HB would begin in about 4 days (which it did).
-Jackie

[prea]

You are doing well Maya!! Praying for both of you..trust in mother nature :-)

[Mie]

I was nearly turning blue holding my breath for you guys! So good to hear all looks ok after that scare. It's insane how just seeing the blob on the u/s can provide such instant relief. I had a miscarriage before and the second time I was preggo, I was itching for a scan all the time just for piece of mind, but then drove myself nuts with all the negative what-ifs right before the scans. Thankfully they all looked fine and now we're blessed with a pretty awesome 3 month old son. It's such a rollercoaster though!

Yay, Team Momo!! Hang in there!! <3

[Kristine]

Tami and Deb said the things I wanted to say, so I'm just hanging around. It would def be possible to put that US in any decent car. Luckily my man is a radiologist , haha. At least he would know how to use it. Then you would just add some Google.
Lots of love from Norway.

[Lisa]

Phew! So relieved the ultrasound looked good today. Prayers for Aug 11.

[Jojo]

So happy to see this update. Just talked to my sis who had bleeding throughout her first trimester but beautiful healthy babies. I thought I was losing the baby so many times in my first trimester ( including one evening when I was so sure I told my husband I would never be ok and to just check me into a mental hospital-- talk about things we wish we never said :)). So glad you and your husband are so strong- you are getting closer to that beautiful beating heart!! Xoxo

[J]

my wife had crazy hives from the transfer. it lasted most of the first trimester. her body looked like a map with large hive areas. thought it would affect the little one that we rushed to the dr and luckily found him in the parking lot. but everything was fine..just had a really itchy angry wife for a few months. :)

[Nadia]

Huge smiling face, that is the effect this post had on me :) wonderful news! I will keep you in my thoughts and will pray that all continues to go well with Momo.
Best wishes from Amsterdam!

[Laura]

Hang in there! Sending you lots of positive thoughts!!

[Dawn]

Maya, I am so happy little Momo is hanging on! Clearly he's strong like his Mama!! I hope the bleeding stays away and you are able to make it til the 11th without any trouble! :)

[Tami]

"Yeah, that will fit in the car" Oh Maya! lol! Great to see an update here. The little nugget is a fighter just like mama!