Back To Work

Noah and I had a nice long weekend together and were able to put most baby making thoughts aside for a few days. (Every day. though, I do still wonder if Momo is still in there).  I'm still  spotting occasionally, which freaks me out and I find myself holding my breath every time I go to the bathroom. I'm hoping that this will calm in the next few weeks once we have all the scans and tests and chromosome analysis done.

Today I'm heading back to work. I've been out for a month, and while I'm glad that things in my uterus are looking good enough for me to be able to resume my normal life, I'm kind of...anxious about going back. I've been very open with my job and co-workers about our struggles, and I distinctly remember going back to work after a BFN. It's totally surreal. You go through this tremendous effort with an ART cycle. You invest in such a physical and emotional way for weeks and then you're spit out the other side and expected to just go back to work and be normal again. I imagine for people who have miscarried it must be completely traumatic to go back to work or a normal life.

These experiences we have on IF Island divide our lives in a way into a before and after. There was the before our first IVF--the hope and optimism. For me I talked openly about it, explaining it to co-workers and gathering support.  Then I went through it and went to work through the physical process of it. I even had to drop my pants in my office a few times so a co-worker could give me a shot. And then there is the BFN. Taking a day or so off and realizing life must go on. That you've changed inside but the world still turns and you have to just jump back in. So you do, and sometimes work can be a welcomed distraction, but sometimes your brain is just somewhere else completely. Eventually things go back to normal and the traumatic experience you had becomes part of your past. For me this has happened multiple times and I found after a while it kind of becomes borning news. 

I've never gone back to work after getting a positive. My positive was not Big and Fat, it was actually little and scrawny, but it was a positive nonetheless and seems to be getting more positive as I go along. I'm sure most people at my office know, and I'm fine with that, I just really don't want to be congratulated. At 10 weeks I know a lot can still go south. I'm not ready for people to be excited for me.

Some people at my office don't know about our struggles or that Momo is adopted. A big part of me wants people to know because I feel it's important to really start normalizing these alternative family building options and educating people on infertility. But I'm not sure how this information will be received by some people and I'm not sure I want to get into it--at least not yet. I just want to blend back in after a month of sudden disappearance and have no one really notice that my boobs are outrageously big.  Maybe some people will just think I was on medical leave recovering from a boob job. 

Anyway. That's my update. Life is going back to normal. I'm off bed rest. I've been instructed to take it easy but also to start resuming normal activity. So that's what I'll do. I have three more progesterone shots left to do and will hopefully graduate from my RE on Monday. Then maybe I will really be a normal person. Funny, I can't even imagine what that might feel like. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Meliss-- why is your lining being so uncooperative?! How frustrating. I'm sorry. That's how my ovaries were/are. We met my RE in May 2012 and didn't start IVF until Sept/October because each month I went in there was a different issue with the follicles, too small, too big, not enough, a cyst. I was on all these herbs and doing acupuncture and just felt like WTF!? It's annoying but hopefully the lining will get there and you'll get to move forward. Allison--If you've been following along you know that low numbers just add to the excitement ;) Yeah right, it's torture. Jojo's story of her miracle baby kept me hanging on. Just believe. That's all you can do. Imagine the number going up. I did some hypnosis before each beta and picked a number I would be satisfied with and just meditated on it. I surpassed my number both times. I hope you do too. A Few Good Eggs--funny thing, no one really cared that I was back or that I was gone. Funny how the world continues to turn regardless of what drama we each as individuals are dealing with. Dawn, brace yourself. The boob thing is no joke. Karre, thanks for being excited for me. I'm getting there. It's all been so scary but I think once we know everything is ok and I stop friggin' bleeding things will be better. Thanks for following the blog. JOJO! All was fine in the work world. I wish I could fast forward all this and just blast Momo out of my chi chi and be done with the insanity. Good things come to those who wait...I suppose.

[Meliss]

It is definitely so hard to go back into the real world...through any part of this. My frozen cycle is delayed and delayed as my lining is resistant to thickening despite multiple forms of estrogen apparently, and every week when I go in to my appointment hopeful - I hear yet again that there's no change and my heart breaks into even smaller pieces....and yet I have to pull myself together, put on a smile and go back to work (as a pediatrician in the ER). I think you need to open up as much or as little at work as you want- whatever makes you feel best! You are an inspiration and continue to give me hope and I'm still sending good vibes to you- momo is a fighter - as are you!!!!

[Allison]

Good luck getting back in the swing of things, hearing your story is so encouraging as I am 4w5d and started with low numbers (which are doubling thankfully but still low). Can't wait to hear more good news

[A Few Good Eggs]

You should tell people what you want to when you want to. I waited until very late this pregnancy to tell people after our loss... and I let them speculate as to whatever they wanted in the meantime! Congratulations on 10 weeks (25% of the way!) and to almost being done with the progesterone and resuming "normal" life. What a milestone.

[Dawn]

The one thing with pregnancy I'm not looking forward to is my boobs getting bigger...they're too big already IMO, lol. Good luck with going back to work today...I hope all goes smoothly!!! :)

[Karre]

10 weeks is the first milestone before ending your 1st trimester. I know where you are coming from with not getting excited but I'm excited for you. Love your blog and your are on quite the journey. Thank you for sharing it.

[Jojo]

Recovering from a boob job.. Haha.. So funny. If only, right? I hope your coworkers and clients are extra kind to you. Sending you a big hug and glad you have Momo to keep you company throughout the day.