I’ve been wanting to do a Hubs Post for the last couple weeks but I haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. I have written and re-written the first paragraph to this post four times now. Nothing seems right to say because I’ve had so many different feelings. I am thankful. I am excited. I am exhaling. I am believing. I am realistic. I am hopeful. I am terrified. But mostly I am smiling.
I’ve been smiling since I stood staring at the ultrasound monitor in our RE’s office two weeks ago. On the monitor I saw a little being. A little being with a heartbeat and a nose and newly formed arms and legs that were kicking and punching around. I saw life changing and evolving right in front of me. It looked as far off as if I were trying to decipher some distant movement in space and it was as close as two feet away from me. And then our RE told us that things looked good and he was pleased, something I hadn’t heard him say in our more than two years of coming to his office.
After that appointment, I caught myself smiling again. My cheeks were starting to hurt. And for a moment there outside of the office, hugging Maya, I felt bad about smiling. Almost as if by smiling or feeling relieved that we may be taking the next step in our journey, a step we’ve fought so hard to make and one so many people take either for granted or take without knowing, would some how jinx us. I felt bad for smiling because the only community I know in all of this is the infertility community and I some how didn’t feel like I could smile without betraying everything we’ve gone through or anybody that is still going through this. Every IF Islander deserves to smile a genuine, anticipatory smile. And then I remembered, until our baby is born, we are still going through this. We are still a part of this community, and will always be. And I love that. And I appreciate that. And that, too, made me smile. And after all of those things running through my head in a matter of seconds, I smiled again. I smiled because, unfortunately, I haven’t stood with my arms around my wife and smiled a stupid, happy big smile with my big dimples a whole lot in the last four years. I smiled because for a the first time in a long time I felt like our lives were moving forward. We were one step closer to our family.
I know I’ll be nervous and anxious and all of those things in the time ahead but I’m going to welcome it because I appreciate the feelings and struggle it’s taken just to make it here. No matter what happens with that little lady inside Maya’s belly (along with the pizza I watched her inhale last night), right now I’m smiling.
This was the post I'd been wanting to read. You guys rock. I'm so happy you've made it and it gives us all hope to persevere.
Posted by: Weylin | September 21, 2014 at 04:25 PM
Oh my this is a beautiful post..
So happy for you. You guys give us all hope and we are all whooping for joy for you!
Posted by: Kelly | September 21, 2014 at 09:38 AM
Beautifully written Noah! I am so happy for you and Maya!
Posted by: Lindsay Monnier | September 20, 2014 at 09:38 PM
Maya and Noah, This is the blog I read to fight negative thoughts and keep my sanity during this tough IF journey. May all your dreams come true.
Posted by: Anita | September 20, 2014 at 10:50 AM
What a sweet post ...you guys deserve all the smiles in this exciting time. That's what keeps the rest of us going - holding out hope to have these moments! I think the IF community is one in which you are members for life (even when the circumstances change) because we go through so many painful low points and get knocked down so many times that sometimes leaning on eachother is the only way to pick ourselves back up. Sending much love and thanks to you guys for giving me hope...
Posted by: Meliss | September 20, 2014 at 08:26 AM
Keep smiling and stay positive! You both deserve an eternity of happiness with your sweet girl!
Posted by: Samantha | September 20, 2014 at 07:04 AM
You (both) definitely deserve to smile!!! -without feeling bad about it!:) I am so happy for you guys, and I can only hope to feel the same joy some day soon too:)
Posted by: Katrine // Norway | September 19, 2014 at 05:03 PM
Yay!!! Keep smiling Noah!!
Posted by: Jojo | September 19, 2014 at 12:57 PM
This will ALWAYS be your community because it will always be a part of your story. That is what makes it all the sweeter. The one thing I keep telling myself as my husband and I go through this, is how much I am certain I will appreciate becoming a parent, however and whenever that happens. Not to say that those who don't go through infertility don't appreciate it; but I think the upside about infertility if there could be one would be that it makes moments like what you just described so much crisper in detail, so much sweeter. A friend of mine who has gone through this and come out the other side with twins once told me: "Infertility is like a giant mountain. The mountain never disappears; you just eventually get further and further away from it." Eventually it becomes this thing that is still an important part of your landscape, but it isn't ALL of your landscape.I am so happy for you guys, and as one of your readers, it is joyful for me to read that you are both able to feel happiness for this. (And GO HAWKS!)
Posted by: KB | September 19, 2014 at 12:20 PM
So happy for you guys!
Love from Brooklyn!
Posted by: Silvia | September 19, 2014 at 11:29 AM
Made me tear up. So happy for you guys. Can't wait to see and support the doc!
Posted by: Katie | September 19, 2014 at 11:04 AM
Noah! So glad you're smiling. I'm actually at Sunset Kaiser right now having just finished an IUI. I too hope to be smiling ear to ear soon. Third time's the charm. I have to believe that!
Thank you for all you and Maya have done. You guys have no idea.
Keep the posts coming. I think I speak for all of us here that read your blog when I say we all feel a super bond and connection with you. I can't wait for the documentary!
Posted by: Lisa | September 19, 2014 at 10:30 AM