Managing Expectations on IF Island and Beyond

The other day, my dad sent me this article in The Huffington Post, which was called The Pressure To Have a Perfect Birth. It discussed how many women plan for the event in a specific way and end up feeling regretful or sad or disappointed or like they've failed in some way if things don't go according to plan. 

While I understood what the article was saying, I had an overwhelming feeling that everyone needs to slow down and give themselves a break here! From my experience on IF Island, I also know similar feelings can arise well before a delivery date. Being on IF Island often means a doctor is going to "make your baby." It may mean pieces of someone else's genes are being used. It is not the "natural" way humans are made, but so what? I spent way too long feeling inadequate and defective and broken. I had to mourn the loss of not putting my parts together with Noah's parts in a magical night of creation. I had to shift the expectations I had about how and when I would have a baby. And I had to remind myself constantly that none of this was my fault. That I was not letting Noah down. That I was not a failure because our IVFs were not successful. I had to be super conscious of the messages I told myself and I had to find a way to adapt to our situation and be kind to myself. I didn't need any more pressure. I didn't need to feel bad about my eggs and guilty about how much money we had to spend. I think it's very common for people on IF Island to feel this way--to feel something is your fault. But it isn't. It's a crappy, frustrating situation, but it isn't anyone's fault. It takes work to really reframe all this for yourself.

Before I entered the glamorous world of A.R.T., I also had expectations of being P. I was going to do prenatal yoga and eat organic only. I was going to go for long walks on the beach and stay fit so I'd only have the cute belly bump. I'd wear long dresses and...I'm just laughing at myself now. That was the "plan." Ha! Doesn't life just come around a tell you where to shove it sometimes? I never fathomed I'd have to do a month of bed rest off the bat, that I'd feel physically awful and emotionally panicked. That I'd see blood frequently and be told not to exercise, at all. That I'd gain 10 lbs in my ass from gorging on food I wouldn't dare eat when I was just eating for me. Life. Doesn't. Go. As. Planned. I should have learned that by now. And honestly, I think I have a bit. Because I don't let feelings of guilt or disappointment lurk in my psyche. I am doing the best I can. We all are. And I'm proud of all of us who get up in the morning after years of A.R.T. heart break to face the fertile world. I'm proud that Momo and I battled through the first trimester (almost) with fervor and determination.  There is no room to feel bad about anything. 

Now I only have one birth plan. (Though I'm totally not thinking about it yet!) The plan is to get Momo out of me in a safe and healthy way. Whatever that may be. Initially (like when I was an IVF virgin four years ago) I wanted a natural birth. With no meds. I still "want" that, but I'm not holding on it. If I have a C-section, so be it. If I need meds, fine. No judgment. There is no right or wrong. Just one goal. That Momo and I come out alive and well. I believe in having an idea of a plan and expressing your wishes to the doctor because as we all know, we always have to advocate for ourselves. But I also believe in being flexible and smart. 

That's what years on IF Island has taught me. Patience. Self forgiveness. Appreciation. Letting go. Flexibility. Strength...the list can go on and on. All these values are important for how I treat myself and others and how I raise my child. Without judgment and pressure. Just pure openness and love. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Anita--It makes sense to have been attached to those embryos. They represented to much hope and potential and I'm so sorry again. I'm glad you have a good RE and even more importantly a great partner by your side. It takes time to heal and I send lots of love to you.

[Anita]

Hi Maja, thank you so much for your kind words. It's amazing how you can bond with just those pictures of the embryos that you get to see. This was the first positive beta I ever had, and felt like a dream about to come true. You surely do learn so much in this IF journey. Until now I used to think that just getting a + beta is the mountain to climb, but now I know for some of us there are way bigger peaks to scale beyond that as well. I'm already 40, and married to the most kind, patient and loving man. I'm really sad at the loss, but trying best to hang on to hope. I have a very good RE, that I trust. I wish to continue until we have that baby who is playing hide and seek with us but is going to be SO LOVED. Sending love and good health your way.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Ugh, Anita. I'm so sorry. It literally is being sent to some blissful place for a hot minute only to have to come crashing down at full speed. I'm so so sorry. I had that same feeling when our embryos were dying a slow death in the petri dish. I vividly remember the doc calling and saying we had 100% fertilization rate and he would "call us tomorrow with good news." (There's video of this if you're interested, I think Nov 2013). Well the "tomorrow" call was not good news at all. I had already been trying to decide how many embryos we would transfer and thinking of baby names. We spent the entire week following the embryos development and were both sick to our stomaches hoping and yet letting go--it's hard to hold two opposite emotions at the same time. You did every thing you could. Always know that. I hope you have some good support and a good RE who can help you come up with the next plan. But for now, heal your broken heart as best you can. Your baby will find you--some how. I would repeat that to myself even when I was angry and didn't believe it. And I do think it's true. Sending you all the love and strength in the world today.

[Anita]

Hi Maya, my beta came back at 18.8. How sad is that... :( Its like being happy and hopeful one day and totally crushed a few days after. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Would be seeing my RE soon to think of the next steps. Need lots of strength...

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks KB. I don't think we've always handled things the best but it's always been the best we can. I think that's all any of us can really do. Enjoy your "time off." We did 6 months of that before popping Momo in and I think it was a good choice to get back to "normal." Anita--I'm so sorry. The Beta roulette is so terrible. I couldn't even fathom it. I thought I'd get a number and know what was happening, but the week of wondering and waiting and re-testing is truly awful. I'm sorry you're in it. I hope some miracle happens for you on Monday--I truly do. Sending lots of strength and love for whatever happens.

[Anita]

Maya, I had my third beta today. First one came like yours at 21 last Friday, the second one was 76. That made me happy, but the third one came today at 106, and I've been told that if it does not increase/double on Monday, I'll be pulled off medications. This is just so heart breaking. Although I still have to wait for Monday, but I'm feeling so low. My 5th ivf, nothing can put your strength to test like infertility.
I just felt like sharing...
Sending lots of good wishes your way.

[KB]

I still just love that you are getting to go through this experience in a way that many don't- and that is, you know and understand how to take each day and sit with it, appreciate it, and still use this platform to continue helping others. Life can be so automated in many ways- you date, you marry, you get pregnant. But when it doesn't happen that way, it forces us to slow down and loosen our grip a bit. My husband and I are on an IVF break and we are actually able to be in the moment about it more now than last year at this time when we were doing the first of four failed frozen transfers. Your blog has helped me a lot with that, because I think it is human nature to look around and see how others are processing similar siutations (the "am I doing it right?" Comparisons). Anyway, my long-winded point is that the way you and Noah are handling everything is inspiring and I'm just so friggin happy for you guys!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing everyone! Jojo--you got your babies out safely and that was the birth plan. I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge or for us to judge ourselves when it comes to doing the best we can with a given situation. You did your job Mama! Christina--yes! Somehow you will find your babies. I believe that. It is often hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it's there. I wish you all the best. :) to you Laura! A Few Good Eggs, totally agreed! Samantha--Thanks for sharing your story. A birth plan with an open mind is exactly it, and having a good doctor is so important. A friend of mine just gave me her Hypnobabies but I haven't listened yet. Thanks for the rec! Hi Liz--welcome! GOod luck on round IUI round 2! We all understand the feelings. Fingers crossed for you. Rachael, I saved my response to you for last because it reminded me that I did feel some blame and regret in the beginning. Thanks for your kind words and I totally hear you on feeling like maybe if you started earlier--or something--things would have been different. So Noah and I have been together for 14 years. We met when I was 20. It took him (in my humble opinion) a LONG time to want to get married (8 years) and then he was terrified of trying to make a baby for a few more years. When I turned 30 I pushed and he reluctantly agreed. When I found out about my DOR DX at 32 (I didn't really know to get tests done for two years because doctors kept assuring me I was young and healthy and "normal") my first feeling was regret. Why didn't we start in my 20's? Who was I to think it would all just happen so nicely when we wanted, when we were ready? I was angry at my doctors for not helping me figure things out earlier and for myself for not knowing what tests to push for. I blamed Noah for not wanting to get married or try for so long. And I blamed myself. Noah says if we had a baby when we were in our 20's we probably wouldn't be together. Sometimes I think he's joking but most of the time I don't. So while I was feeling regretful and angry, I asked myself two questions: Do I know for sure that I would have gotten pregnant easily in my 20'? I don't know. I think yes, but I have no solid answer. No crystal ball as you said. And how does it serve me or my relationship to hold on to regret or blame for something I don't know for sure? It doesn't. It wasn't helping me feel better, move forward or get pregnant to feel mad at myself or Noah or my doctors. So I decided to leave the past where it was, with all the unknowns. It's hard not to assign some responsibility but we just don't always know. Now I only look at what's in front of me, and when I feel that self-blame creeping in I just let it go. It doesn't serve me, and it isn't necessarily true. Sending love to everyone! M

[Liz]

I found this blog after typing in a search for second IUI. I am so lucky to have clicked on the search result link to this blog. I feel I have finally found a forum where people are truly honest and willing to share stories and encouragement. I have one son naturally ( after two miscarriages) which was not an easy journey. As I type, it is easy to indicate I have one son naturally, but all the emotions and memories of what lead to my pregnancy with my son are far from easy. My husband and I are in the process of trying to start the process of extending our family, and my doc wanted to bypass natural timing and start with IUI due to my age. I am now on my second cycle of IUI and it has been very emotionally and physically draining. This blog and all of the comments have really articulated everything I am thinking and feeling. I feel somewhat normal again. Thank you for that.

[samantha]

I really wanted a natural birth, I had an amazing Dr and we had a great plan of trying naturally but using drugs if I couldn't handle it. I was terrified of having a c/section. Growing up in the UK, c/sections are far less common and all my friends delivered naturally when they had babies years ago. I had my birth plan, I had my Hypnobabies (Maya if you are interested in checking that out, you can have mine) I had my Dr on board. I learned the hard way that you can't plan a birth, baby will have it their way! My c/section was very smooth and I was totally off pain meds within five days and walking a mile pushing my stroller by ten days and doing modified T25 at six weeks. My advice is to think about birth with an open mind, and have a Dr you trust 1000%. When the time comes, I hope you and Momo have a happy, healthy and safe one. If I am ever blessed with a second baby, I'll totally be rocking the repeat c/section, belly band and no staples. :p

[Rachael]

I visit this blog on a daily basis because it's comforting. Not only is it helpful for someone who is dealing with infertility, it's also helpful for facing any sort of challenge. Giving up control, letting go, sitting with uncomfortable emotions, realizing their are no guarantees in life. Being reminded again and again of how to cope is helpful.
But I must say, I disagree with this post a bit as far as my infertility not being "my fault." i never knew I had endometriosis or diminished ovarian reserve until I started trying to conceive at age 33. Would both of those things been less of a factor if I started a few years earlier? I believe so. But since I'm not in possession of a crystal ball, I had no way of knowing. I do feel partially responsible for my infertility. And for me, I don't think that will ever change.
Thanks for your posts. They are a comfort.

[A Few Good Eggs]

Thank you for this post. As someone who lost a baby (prior to delivery, but late in pregnancy), I find the arrogance of people who assume they have control over delivery and birth to be incredibly offensive. My goal is to have a healthy, living baby. However she arrives, I don't care. Whatever is safest for her and me and is fine with me.

[Laura]

Well said!

[Christiana]

Thanks Maya. Your posts help. Somehow, whether it is alone or with my husband (hopefully with) I will be leaving IF Island with my cobbled together family shining with love. Won't that be wonderful?

I can't wait until I have to worry about which preschool is best for my child.
Love to all.

[Jojo]

I love that you wrote this! I have lots of 'fertile' friends who had these stress free blissful pregnancies then had a super strict birth plan and were horrified by a C section or drugs. I felt judged ( once again) when I shared I had a C section ( saved my babies life so yay for c section!!). Many of them ended up begging for drugs and some had complications because they refused to listen to a doc suggesting C section. Their smugness quickly disappeared when they realize the goal is just to get the baby out and keep everyone healthy. I never wrote a birth plan ( ended up lying flat on my back semi panicked until it was all over- haha). Hope you are feeling better and enjoying being P.