Normalizing how Modern Families are Made

Today I had the NT scan. An over the belly ultrasound that measures the baby bits to see if there is a nose bone and some brain parts and something about fluid in the spine. Ask me anything about follicles or fallopian tubes and I can give you an exact scientific answer. Ask me about anything P related and you get "some brain parts." I'm well aware of my area of expertise. Though I woke up with the thought that this could be the worst day of my life, I left the doc with the thought that this is really happening. I still have that placenta primavera jazz (previa) but I'll just hope it works itself out. Look at me being all nonchalant! 

Last night our production team came over and we talked about the documentary we've been making, ONE MORE SHOT. (I don't have a FaceBook page but the film does. Come be our friend at OneMoreShotFilm. I promise no belly picts!). Noah and I have been filming for over two years, and now that we think we are on our way to our ending we are kicking the film into full gear with the help of some incredible people who know how to make it all happen. Sitting around with everyone talking about our lives in third person felt a little strange. Knowing these folks have been watching footage of the most intimate and terrible moments of our lives made me feel proud of what we are doing. Maybe part of me really should be embarrassed, there is a LOT of footage of me peeing in a cup or crying, or both. But I don't feel embarrassed. I feel like our story is the story of 7.3 million Americans and millions more around the word, and if Noah and I can give a face to this, then here we are. I don't like all the secrecy and stigma and I don't like how alone or ashamed some people feel. Infertility is no ones fault. It happens, and it's a medical condition. And it needs to be better understood, and hopefully one day covered by insurance!

Another thing that is important to me is the idea of normalizing how many modern families are created. If all goes well, I'm going to give birth to our adopted daughter. Wow. Writing that down just brought tears to my eyes. She is 100% ours, but genetically she is 100% the gift of strangers. She has siblings out in the world, and she will know her story from day 1. Or day whenever she can understand. With scientific advancements, there's a lot we can do to make a family. It's amazing and it's a miracle, and I'd like to be a part of also making it normal. A family is a group of people who love each other and care about each other. A baby is a tiny person who has little bitty fingers and toes. That's all that matters in the end.

We interviewed a woman over the weekend, who became a single mom by choice at the age of 46 with the help of an egg donor and a sperm donor. She jokingly referred to her "Frankenstein baby," but seeing the tiny little girl in her arms she was far from monstrous. She was beautiful and special. She was a gift from pieces of other people who allowed this woman to become a mother. 

It has taken a village, literally, to make Momo. I tried to count all the people involved from doctors, to naturopathy docs, to friends, to family to donors...it's more than I can count on two hands. So as Noah always says, when this kid is born she will know she was so wanted, that other people wanted us to have her too. So where's the shame in that? I had/have a broken part and my village helped me find a way around it. To me that's a beautiful thing. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for watching Lisa! You've been doing such great interviews with people in the community lately on your blog! Sarah--having a gestational carrier must also be an incredible experience! It's so incredible when other people care about bringing your child into the world enough to make sacrifices for this baby--a village indeed. Rebecca--I can't even imagine buying anything baby...you're totally right, I haven't thought about the stuff at all. What do they really need? A blanket and a boob? I'm naive aren't I :) Thanks for the love Gladys, LIndsay and Rainbow! Have a great weekend everyone. Noah and I will be at that Resolve Walk in Long beach on Sunday and maybe we will get to meet some of you there.

[Rebecca]

Just wait until you start actually buying things for this baby. We feel comfortable in the waiting room of a fertility clinic, but HOLY SHIT what the hell do we do in Buy Buy Baby? My husband and I went a few weeks ago and left with headaches. When you have been ignoring all things baby related for so many years, it's really hard to all of a sudden learn about what these little creatures need!

[Sarah]

I love hearing about all of the different ways babies can come into the world, and it really does take a community to make it happen! Having a gestational carrier feels that way for sure, as we have another family involved and caring for our baby until she is born. It brings tears to my eyes to give all of these babies a chance to exist, and am so glad you have brought this more into the open! Congratulations on getting an over the belly ultrasound; that's definitely a big step and a symbol of the growth inside of you. Yay for Momoko!

[Rainbeforerainbow.wordpress.com]

This is such a great post, and I love your husband's comment. Very well said. Momo is one lucky baby!

[Lindsay Monnier]

So So incredibly beautiful!

[Lisa]

I just watched the trailer for the first time and I can't wait to see the whole thing when it's done. You guys are amazing for sharing so much of your story with the world. So happy the appointment went well today and yay for being non-chalant!!

[Gladys]

Go Noah! We will not tolerate hate or insults on this blog. Only love and support for you guys and sweet Momo :)

[Gladys]

You rock Noah!! We will not tolerate hate and insults on this blog.

[Hubs]

Hey IF Islanders. Hubs here. I'm all for differing and even dissenting opinions on here but I just saw something on this thread that seemed more like a comment meant to hurt than anything else. So I removed the post. If you don't like that, be mad at me, not Maya. I assume whoever wrote the post has some really bangin' ovaries and has had no problem making life-altering decisions about their family-building and for that I say, bravo. I'd also question why they're hanging around on an infertility blog.
It can take people a lot of time, loss, and heartbreak to find their families. Sometimes the genetics stay within the family, sometimes they don't. The more experience people have within the world of infertility, hell, the more experience people have in life in general, the more they realize that love is one of the most important ingredients in raising a child, whether that child is made from you, in you, or by somebody in another country. Adopting a child, be it as an infant, a toddler, or an embryo is a big step and not for everybody. As far as I'm concerned, though, whether you have a super-uterus or "your body sucks," it's pretty awesome that you can still give a good life to a child that may not otherwise have a chance. And that child can give you the chance to be a parent.

[Jojo]

I feel so sorry for you Nini and hope with everything that YOU are not influencing a precious child wih your ugliness and hate. Maya is more of a mother than you will ever be in every sense of the word. Biology is details- it is the love and kindness and nurturing that make a Mom. I hope you somehow find grace and love in your life and stop spreadin ugliness. Maya- we all love you and support you in every way!! Xoxo

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Tami! No 3D today but I must say I really like the over the belly ultrasound rather than the camera dildo! Baby girl was moving around a little then passed out. I'm always relieved to see the heartbeat and sneak a little video of it so I can watching it over and over and remind myself its there. Meliss! What's the lining status? Still being difficult? Hi KB. I didn't know what embryo adoption was either until I was in tears begging to be put on various clinic "lists." When we found Momo in Seattle something just felt right. And though I sometimes wonder about the genetic parents and what they are like or look like, I do feel that this kid is totally ours. I wasn't sure I would feel that way with all the third party stuff, but I do. jojo! Of course you had previa .) I'm following in your footsteps girl! Thanks for commenting Grace--some strangers gave me the chance to be a mom. Wow. Right? I could run into these people at a Whole Foods or something and not even know it. Now I guess I've really got to find a way to pay it forward!

[Tami]

Maya-
Was so happy to see this update re: your NT scan. Most girls I know have the previa deal early on. I did as well. It corrects itself in time for departure! What more can you tell us about the NT scan? Was it in 3/4D? I LOVED going in for scans to see the little nugget. It's like I missed her and she was in my body lol! Lot's of love to all 3 of you. I love that she will know through you and Noah and someday also the film how wanted she was/is. Lucky little girl:}

[Meliss]

Yes!!! I was literally just talking about the stigma and "hush hush" nature of Infertility with a dear friend who is also going through the IVF process. So many other diseases and illnesses have now come into the forefront through social media and increased awareness... I sincerely hope that one day, infertility may be among them. It is terrible to suffer through this entire ordeal, but even worse to suffer in isolation and silence. Your documentary is such a huge step to end that. So so happy you guys are now writing your ending. I hope that one day (despite a resistant thin lining) I can join you there. Xoxo

[KB]

This is my favorite post yet. SO well said. I keep thinking about how I used to judge people for doing IVF ("why go through all that trouble?") and I'm mortified. Now that I've gone through it, I see just how many different ways there are to start a family, and until I read your blog, I had never heard of embryo adoption, and now I think it is such a wonderful option. Congrats on having a good appointment, and on being one step closer to sharing your story with your film. I'm so excited for you!

[Jojo]

You guys are amazing! Thank you for making a difference in the horrific world that is IF. Oh- and you won't be surprised to know I had placenta previa too that corrected itself by 7 months. So very very happy for your good scan today. What a huge milestone.

[Grace]

this is beautiful and true and it is so exciting that we (hopefully, you for sure) get the chance to be mommies.