Staying the Course or Trying Something Different

Since Noah and I have been in the process of documenting our journey and exploring how different modern families are created, we've had the opportunity to interview many different people who built their families in different ways. It was enlightening for me to speak to these individuals/couples during our process, because it constantly reminded me that where there is a will, there's a way, you may just need to get creative. One thing I noticed is that different people had different approaches to ART, and as we are editing footage and looking back at these interviews and at our own path, I'm starting to better understand that there are different ways to approach ART.

I know people who set out to do IVF until it worked. Statistically, I believe IVF takes about three rounds to be successful. I read that somewhere but I can't quote it. Basically, striking gold on the first try isn't necessarily the norm, but after trying different protocols and getting the right cocktail of meds etc. many people do have success. These people decide to stay the course and learn something from each round. It's a good but often expensive strategy, (though some clinics offer package deals, which could be worth the investment for many people).  I sometimes wonder if Noah and I just kept trying to find my "one good egg," if we would have eventually been successful. After our first IVF wasn't successful, we decided to try something different. We weighed our chances with my DOR diagnosis with the physical, emotional and financial cost of doing several more rounds and decided we couldn't afford to stay the course hoping something would work. I vividly remember our doc saying something like If we had won the lottery and the process wasn't so physically and emotionally hard, he'd advise us to do IVF again, but given our circumstances, he too thought we should move on. 

I wasn't really ready to have the donor egg conversation at that stage of the game, and I was angry that our finances were a big deciding factor in how we were going to get our baby. It didn't seem fair. None of it did. But we found a way to emotionally process the situation and gather enough dough to move to a donor egg round with my sis. When that didn't work we were truly broken. Our doc recommended a proven anonymous egg donor, but we 1) couldn't really afford it and 2) I was afraid of doing the same thing. Though an anonymous donor wouldn't really have been the same as using my sister's eggs, I was afraid that maybe I couldn't carry. Though Noah always got glowing sperm reports, he was also a common factor--maybe there were issues there we didn't fully understand. It just didn't feel right to me. And then we found Momo, our adopted embryo. It was something different. 

How each person/couple approaches their journey to parenthood in the world of ART is a very individual and unique experience. There is no right or wrong. Some people stay the course, some people try something different each time, some people stay the course until the feel ready to try something different, some people decided to ultimately live child-free or adopt. Some people take a break and get pregnant naturally-- there are so many possibilities. What's most important is weighing your options, and knowing what you and your partner are comfortable with. It's sitting with the facts of your situation and remembering that those facts aren't always written in stone. There is still a lot of mystery around reproduction. It isn't always an exact science. It's deciding what your body, your mind, your relationship and your bank account can handle, and moving forward in a way that feels right. 

When Momo is finally born (gulp), I know I will probably say what most people we have interviewed for our documentary have said, that they couldn't imagine it happening any other way or having any other child than the one they ended up with. I never thought I'd be P with an adopted child. But I do feel like Momo is supposed to be in this world and is very much our baby. All the what-ifs don't really matter anymore.

Wishing anyone having to adapt and make difficult decisions all the love and strength in the world.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

JCS--GOOD LUCK! FET's have good success rates and hopefully you'll be one of those successes. Hope the injections are going ok. Jojo, I like that you guys decided on a number. I know a lot of people who find that helpful--like it's a decision made in the beginning. Sometimes things come up where it's too much on the body or something, so of course a plan has to be a little flexible, but having an agreed upon number can be helpful. Glad it worked for you before you hit that number! Meredith, so sorry your first cycle was not a home run. It's so hard not to start planning ahead but you're right, taking things day by day and trying to trust the path is often all we can do. Good luck with the next frozen cycle. Meliss! Your lining has finally cooperated!? Yay. I hope this is it for you. I know the torture of the stop-and-start and I wish you so much luck this time around. Christiana, I don't know much about IVF clinics that do financing. I know that many places do a payment plan but not the actual financing. Hm. It's so hard knowing that clinics make money off of failure, and that's why it's so important to find a good doctor and clinic you trust. I've had good experiences but I know some people who haven't. Dad--Momo's feet aren't touching the ground for the first two years, unless you drop her :)

[larry]

Your writing, Maya, also gives me strength. And I know that when Momo arrives, she will be loved and cherished like some rare, valuable artifact that can only be described as our (your) miracle child. Dad.

[Christiana]

Maya - what do you think about the IVF providers (group of REs) who also provide the financing for the IVF cycles? That was EXTREMELY frustrating to me. I could not believe the REs felt it was ethical to provide the financing and the actual treatment. It felt like I was buying on credit at the company store and the drs were laughing in their sleeves all the way to the bank. I wanted so badly to trust them, and I know they did their best but I really am still very angry at the failure and the money I will be paying off for years. I see the celebrities and the independently wealthy having babies two at a time and I appreciate that they may have had to go thru the heartbreak of more than one cycle but it seems patently unfair that if you have the money, you can go home with the babies. But, as we know, life is unfair.

[Jojo]

Meliss--good luck with your FET. Been thinking about you. Keep us posted!

[meliss]

Thank you as always for posts that resonate so deeply...We are in the middle of our frozen cycle IVF attempt version 1.3 (cancelled the first several times) and my husband and I have discussed other options like surrogacy since I do have embryos frozen and the issue was more my lining but we haven't even discussed how many trials of IVF we would want to attempt before moving on. I agree it's an individual choice for every couple and there are so many ways to try to make it work, something that helps me to remain hopeful. Sending lots of love and so happy for you guys that you found a way to make your own happy ending. xoxo

[Meredith in MN]

Maya- thank you so much for writing about something that so many of us are going through. I discovered your blog about two months ago just after our failed first cycle of IVF. I cannot tell you how much your story has given me hope to move forward, hope that we will one day find a way to start our family, and hope that my husband and I are not alone in this struggle. I am a type A personality who likes to plan for things. This process has taught me to put that aside and truly just live in the moment. It is very difficult for me not to think two, three, even four steps ahead, but your writing has helped me immensely to see that no matter what happens, we have to take things day by day and trust that there is a path for us, it may just take us a little longer to find it. Next week I start meds for a frozen cycle. I can't say thank you enough for sharing your story.

[Jojo]

So well said. Whatever gets us to our destination is the right path. My husband and I decided we would do 7 rounds (gulp) of IVF with my eggs (I have DOR) before moving on to another method. Thankfully it only (??) took 3 cycles and a few loans to have my son but we were prepared for 7 and people thought we were crazy. It is a personal journey and I have the utmost respect for everyone's unique path. I am so very happy you are giving Momo a chance at such a beautiful life!!

[JCS]

Beautiful, Maya. Thank you for the love and support. Today I start my first injections for my upcoming FET. I'm so excited !!! but also really scared. Fingers crossed that it works. Your story has given me comfort, hope and strength and I plan to keep on reading to get me through this crazy process and beyond! :)