Finding Perspective

One day, each and every one of us on IF Island will be able to look back at the dark infertility years and say, "remember when..." That's a fact. Because one day we will all be over 50 (hopefully) and I don't think doctors prescribe menopur to women over 50 because they are probably starting to make their own post-menopausal pee. (I'm pretty sure that's the secret ingredient in menopur, or at least it was at some point in time). At some point, we will have resolved our infertility crisis and be looking back in retrospect, possibly arguing with out sig figs as we try to remember if we did three IUI's or only two? Did we also do a frozen transfer off that cycle or was that the time before? Was I on bed rest the whole time or just a few months (TBD, fingers crossed). Everything that feels so immediate and intense right now won't feel that way forever.

I think about gaining perspective often when I start to feel frustrated. Being on IF Island means the pause button on your life has been pushed. It often means rather than moving forward with hitting certain milestones in your life, you're kind of doing a side shuffle. It means many other hopes and dreams and plans are put on hold. And when you're in it, it feels never-ending. 

Spending the better part of the week now on bed rest is its own kind of holding pattern. In one way I feel like I am moving forward as Momo is growing and each day is a day closer (though the end of March 2015 feels like a million years away). But I get frustrated at what my life and career and relationships have become--stuck. Noah wanted to try and go on a trip over the winter holiday, ummmm.... I just had to file for disability from work, and laying in my bed with me is not the preferred past time of most of my pals. Though I am so appreciate of friends who come by and bring food and good company, it really helps the day go by. 

But. And there's a but. It just is what it is. I didn't expect to deal with infertility for the years that I did. I didn't think being P was going to put me on my ass like this. I didn't think once I got P I'd still feel so stuck, but it is what it is. And if I start to pull the focus of my lens back a little to get more of a wide angle view, I can start to see the bigger picture. Four years of infertility and treatments and a complicated P isn't totally a drop in the bucket but it isn't eternity. On the time-line of my life it will be a small dark spot. Momo will one day have her first birthday. She will start school. She will turn 16. She will learn to drive. OMG. Now I seriously have anxiety. 

I was reading something about parenting after infertility and it seems like one of the hardest things for people who are P after ART is to be able to imagine the child, as a child. I think that may be because we on IF Island are so focused in on the immediate experience we all have--it's hard to open out to imagining what's on the other side of all this. 

But there is another side. And that's important for all of us to remember. No matter where we are in the process, I think it's helpful to take some time to get perspective and remind ourselves whatever our immediate experience is right now will change. It will. Change is the only thing we can be certain of, right?

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Lisa-- No, I'm not flat all day. I'm taking it easy in bed, writing and working on the computer. I shuffle around the house and make food and do laundry--which maybe I shouldn't. I'm not on "strict" bed rest. I'm just hoping the bleeding/spotting stops and will be reassessed next Monday. I think doctors tell you to go on bed rest or modified bed rest for lack of having anything else to help the situation. Resting usually only helps. My problem is I end up feeling fine and then I push it and something bad happens, so I need to take more of a preventative route I think. Whatever it takes is what I'll do.

[Lisa]

Silly question Maya, and you touched on it a little here, but when you say "bed rest", are you literally lying in bed all day? No sitting upright at all?

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Jackie. Good luck on Weds. I know it's so hard and there can be many disappointments. But there can be many hopeful and positive things too. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

[Jackie]

I'm so thrilled I stumbled upon your blog as my husband and I are beginning to start our fertility treatment. Thank you this post is exactly what I needed. I had my first iui a couple of weeks ago and scheduled to do a blood test on Wednesday. I got a little bold today to do a urine test which wasn't positive.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi everyone! Thanks for the virtual company. It does help ;) I haven't watched any TV or played any games--honestly I don't know what I'm doing. Yesterday I pulled six white hairs out of my head. That was the main accomplishment. Meliss-- I've personified your lining in my head as having this really stubborn little scrunchy face! I'm frustrated for you and just hope it can get to where you need it to be. You have embryos (I believe, right?) that's the biggest part. Now it's just a matter of when. You get the patience prize this month! Sending Momo vibes to your lining. Have you seen an acupuncturist at all? I kind of remember mine helping me with the lining...Hi Natalie. Ugh. It's so hard to go through all of that with a sister and then come up empty handed. I totally get it. I didn't think we'd recover or have any options left--emotionally and financially and physically--but we did. And you will find you next step. Hope you can have some fun with the "old fashioned way." Believe that you never know what might happen and the body does change. But also it sounds like you're starting to prep for the next process. I wish you so much luck. Have a great weekend everyone!

[Natalie]

I just found your blog through a link on the BabyQuest Tumblr. I am so incredibly grateful that you are being so open with your story, and I feel like there are so many similarities between us. I, too, went through a donor egg cycle using my younger sister, just a few months ago. I, too, ultimately failed and it was utterly heartbreaking. I watched some of the clips from your movie site and found myself crying with you. I so understand. In my case, we did get a BFP but it ended up being likely ectopic and we were advised to take methotrexate to dissolve and end the pregnancy. I had to sign a form agreeing to this! To purposely end that which I had been hoping and praying for for so long (even though I knew that it wasn't a viable pregnancy anyway and that logically and medically it was the right thing to do). I didn't know it was even possible for an ectopic to result from IVF but I guess it does happen. We did not end up with any frozen embryos even though I was sure we'd have at least 3-4 to freeze (we transferred the one superstar embryo we had on Day 5). Now we wait, and I know you're all too familiar with this. My normal cycles have returned, and we continue to try the "old fashioned" way, using ovulation predictor strips, until the new year when hopefully we can move forward with using an anonymous donor. Finances will be an issue for us, too, though, and we are really hoping for a grant. We only ever planned on asking my sister once, and I am happy she is done and doesn't have to put her health at risk again. I don't know but I imagine you've felt similar. So happy you got a BFP this round and I'm really praying for this pregnancy for you guys. One thing that I told my sister before our failure, and that I really meant, is that no matter what happens, she will always have a special place in my partner and I's children's lives, no matter how they came about.

[Meliss]

Perspective is oh so hard to find. As always you are so right ... I try to remind myself that one day, somehow, I WILL be a mom -whether through surrogacy, adoption or through my own IVF. But in my day to day struggles - I feel so stagnant as the years start to go by - which makes me feel helpless and hopeless. Thank you as always for the reminder that (hopefully) this may all be a distant memory.
Btw- my lining still went down so back up on the estrogen dose I go and we wait another week. :( wondering if I'll ever get to the point where I can have a transfer. Hope you find something to occupy you and keep your spirits up during your bed rest. Thinking of you and momo!!!! Xo

[M]

How are you dear Maya? I wish we could offer you some sort of virtual company besides the brief dozen words of this comment, meanwhile please have my compassionate and affectionate thoughts.

[Christiana]

You got it, Maya! Hang in there. Change is the only constant.

Have you tried the 2048 game? If not, google 2048 and then the Mancini method. I have been using this and sudoku to distract myself.

Love from San Francisco.