How did we get to embryo donation?

I've gotten a few comments and emails from people asking how we got to embryo donation. I think folks are looking more for the specifics of how/where we found our embryo, but I think there are two parts to the answer so I thought I'd write a little about it here.

Part one, I believe, is the emotional part. How does one emotionally get to the point of embryo donation, or any third party reproduction choice. Part two is the logistics, which, unfortunately, will differ for everyone. Embryo donation isn't super common yet, but I'll provide what I know. 

After IVF, multiple IUI's, IVF with my sister's donated eggs, Noah and I were broken and broke. It had been three years of riding that infamous emotional roller coaster, and we were literally sick to our stomachs. Our lives had been on hold, my body was a hot mess, emotionally we were both devastated. Rock bottom. We still had hope that we would be parents. In fact, that was never a doubt for us. It was the when and how that was starting to create more wear and tear than we could handle. We were isolated from friends and just sad. All the time. But like most people, we wanted a baby on our terms, we wanted a genetic child. I had given up on my eggs when we moved to my sister's (I actually considered it an upgrade, she's amazing!) but neither of us were comfortable giving up on Noah's sperm. That seemed to be the one good piece we had, so to toss it aside seemed...just not right. If he could have a biological child, why wouldn't we try for that? Well, like I said, we were broke. I mean, we could have taken out loans, but the thought of an anonymous donor not working and then having to pay off the debt from that unsuccessful cycle seemed---just terrible. We also didn't know if I could even carry, as I'd never been pregnant. Doing a donor egg IVF cycle for $30,000 + only to find out my uterus didn't work also sounded terrible. You know what else sounded terrible? Going through the paperwork, expenses, and time commitment for a traditional adoption. Everything sounded terrible. So we just pressed pause and sat with it.

We luckily were usually on the same page and at this point neither of us knew what to do. I started researching frozen  donor egg banks and shared donor cycles and various programs that had guarantees or refunds--but again, everything felt terrible. I learned about embryo donation and started calling clinics in my area to put myself on donor embryo wait-lists. Then, when I was on the phone with one of the donor egg bank people, I asked whether they had any donated embryos. The conversation evolved and I found Momo, and something just felt right. To me at least. Those were the logistics. I began searching and calling and throwing myself out there. I had some really desperate phone calls with random clinics where I was asking for whatever "leftovers" they had. If you're not a patient of a particular clinic, the staff isn't always that nice to you. My RE said that after the new year, he sends bills to people for their embryo storage, and said by around March he would know if he had some embryos that were a good match for us. He didn't end up having anything, and I knew I found Momo. 

But emotionally, Noah wasn't as attached to Momo, so we sat on it. There was something kind of--amazing about the idea of Momo to me. That it was a gift from strangers. That it was neither mine nor Noah's and yet would be both of ours. That it would possibly help us find out if I could carry, and it was affordable at just over $7,000 not including meds and travel. It was also my ethnic mix, and I liked that. Noah didn't really care about my ethnicity, but what he did care about was a) being a parent and b) getting off the hamster wheel that is infertility treatments. If the goal was to parent and get off IF Island ASAP, then embryo donation was our fastest ticket with the best odds and the least expense. We decided we would do two rounds, as there were two embryos and the clinic would only let us put one in at a time, and then if it didn't work we would get a loan and move to adoption.

In the time it took to create the logistical plan, we also processed what this alternative way of building a family would mean, and we grieved the loss of our genetics. I happen to think I have a beautiful husband. He's a gentle, funny and genuine person with an even temperament and an incredible amount of patience. He's also not bad to look at. Since I met him, when we were in college, I dreamed of having his baby--with his perfect nose and sweet dimples. That felt like a loss to not be able to possibly see those things in our baby (but then again, the poor kid could end up with my funky nose and dimpless cheeks), but you know what I mean. But when I found Momo and thought about Momo, all I felt was what we could possibly gain. A family.  Momo would be totally free of anything we projected or looked for. She would be her own 100%. That can be scary or that can be incredible, and we chose to believe the incredible. It took several months, maybe six to really process and feel ready for embryo donation. And once we did, we jumped in. That was it. 

Logistically, it was kind of a pain to do an FET out of state--but it was doable. So when people ask me where we found Momo, I kind of feel like there was luck and persistence and chance involved. I recommend starting with your own clinic and clinics of friends. Actually, now that I'm remembering, I had a few friends call their RE to put us on embryo donation lists because our friends had relationships with their doctors. I know there are sites like the national embryo donation center and the embryo adoption and awareness center but those didn't feel like a good fit for us. We preferred a private clinic, it seems like less of a hassle. By the time one gets to embryo donation, you want the least hassle possible. But people do "adopt" from these larger centers. I also saw on twitter the other day an article on a tutorial about embryo donation so maybe that can be helpful. 

All of us on IF Island are trying to make sense out of nonsense. We are trying to make the best choices out of a handful of choices we don't really want. We are heartbroken and grasping at straws for much of the time, and in the shadow of this despair often comes a resolution, a faint ray of sunshine and hope, an option you didn't think of or didn't think you'd be comfortable with. 

Noah and I love Momo so much. She is ours. She is truly a fighter and perhaps our job was to find her and bring her into the world. 

Wishing everyone much luck and peace on their journey.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

I just came across another resource for embryo donation/adoption. It's a blog called Wishing on a snowflake that gives some good info if anyone is interested: http://www.wishingonasnowflake.com/p/once-you-decide-to-begin-researching.html

[Anita]

Maya,
I got so emotional reading after Mel's email. Each person's experience feels like your own. It's almost surreal how we tend to believe in Doctors, almost like a baby trusting the parents with everything. And what's even stranger is that even with failed cycles, you are so optimistic with the next rounds of needles and fun hormones! I have had 5 failed IVFs, 5th one a chemical, and each time I started with injection, really happy like going on a fun trip. At least we were covered by the insurance. It makes my heart break when I hear people breaking into their savings for that dream which is realized so easily for most on earth! Why must these medicines be so difficult and why can not insurance cover the treatment is beyond my understanding! Do people ask for being on a hormonal joy-ride? And what's totally baffling is that most of the times even doctors do not know what went wrong? When donor cycles go wrong, they say that even young donors can have abnormal eggs! There are no guarantees in this journey. At times it all feels like an industry, and that people get richer on poor IF islanders' emotions.
I just so fervently pray to God to grant each IF islander a baby.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Mel-- thanks for sharing. I'm glad you found a good therapist to help you process this and I'm so sorry the first transfers did not pan out. Glad you have more embryos left and are working with a doctor to help figure it all out. Whatever baby you carry and raise is your baby and of course you have say! Adoptive parents have say in how to raise their child, right? A family is a group of people who love each other not matter where they all start out. You child will know how wanted they were and perhaps it can be seen as a gift that other people (the egg donor) were willing to help mommy and daddy have that special child! I don't see myself as an adoptive mother, even though the embryo is essentially adopted and Noah and I don't share genetics. Momo is our baby. We are going to be the ones changing diapers and wiping tears and guiding her through life--Oy, poor kid ;) Anyway, I I wish you lots of luck on the next transfer and always know you baby is very lucky to have you!
Hi Anita-- how helpful-- we have a biological clock??? I understand why it's hard to be public about infertility sometimes. Comments from others can be baffling. I think all the pain will be worth it, I really do, and I wish you all the best. Kaeli--congrats on your twins! Miracle babies! The pain was worth it, right? Thanks WBC--things are looking better and hopefully I'll be up and about soon. Though I'm getting quite comfortable with this whole stay in my pajamas all day thing! Binky--good luck on these cycles. I hope it works. But if it doesn't, it sounds like you are open to other options, and there are other options. Hopefully you'll be holding your baby soon. Thanks for rooting for me and Momo! Good luck Anne! I'm meeting more and more people lately who have used donor embryos and it's amazing to see! Try clinics that are associated with a frozen donor egg bank--sometimes it seems they are more likely to have donated embryos. Good luck!

[Mel]

Hi Maya

We too had to resort to a donor. DH is OK but my age is a factor. My eggs were deemed too old and of low quality. Few years of unsuccessful TTC on our own and many failed IUI got us to acknowledge the brutal fact : If we wanted to experience child bearing, we had better chances with the DE route. 50% more chances, they said.

So we tapped into our retirement savings and forked out the $32K+ it takes to get a DE. We chose a clinic that offered both IVF services and a donor database. I did not feel like dealing with the unknowns of IVF, a new clinic and a donor agency...

Giving up my genetics and accepting I'd be an adoptive mother was emotionally hard. I struggled with the donor selection. It felt like my (loving) husband was cheating on me with a (younger) stranger, with my blessing! I feel silly today.

The one thing I had to sort out with DH was projecting myself in the composed family. Since we were using my husband's sperm, I felt I did not belong. Would I have a say in raising this child? What would happen when DH and I would disagree? Would my opinion matter? I realize today that these were self-inflicted struggles, and I had no reason to second-guess my husband nor our relationship. But back then we had to talk to a therapist who had experienced infertility in its entirety, the whole nine yards (IUI, IVF, DE, surrogate, and eventually adoption). She had the right words about adoption and eased my insecurity. She brought peace to our hearts. All it too was a conversation with someone who related to out struggled. We walked out of that session with tools to ask the right questions so DH and I could figure how we wanted to structure our family. The DE process took 9 months, from inception to IVF#1; an eternity given my age. But we had to go through the process.

In June 2014 we had our 1st IVF, which ended up with a BFN. FET#1 in October also ended up with a failure after a heartbreaking chemical on 10/15 (Infant Loss Remembrance Day :-( ). 50% success rate with DE, they said! What a deception.

We still have a few eggs frozen. So we will try again, as soon as we understand what has gone wrong again. This time I will keep my hopes down just like when I was using my own old eggs. Recovery gets harder a every failure and feels like a piece of my heart goes down the drain with that tiny embryo.

Wishing everyone here the best of luck. And Maya, thank you for all you do for us IF islanders. Take good care of Momo and you. Big hugs to the 3 of you.

[Anita]

Maya, thank you for sharing your journey so beautifully. The emotional turmoil entailed in this journey is yet so difficult for a non-IF islander to comprehend. I admire you for being so open about it. We haven't shared any of the "sufferings" yet with our friends and families. Mostly for causing anxieties to our families, and also preventing unwanted advices. I do not wish to be comforted at all by people who do not understand as many times my sanity is held by a fragile thread. Once a friend unknowingly told me that I should hurry up to have kids telling me about biological clock and all that.. Like she is the only knowledgeable person and I am delusional (with my Ph.D)! I do admire all the IF-islanders for their strength though, and also believe that we would be excellent parents. I hope that eventually all the pain is worth it.
I get a lot of strength from your journey. Check in whenever I can to follow on Momo and you. I wish you health and a very happy Momo in your arms soon.

[Kaeli]

Thank you for writing such a great and detailed post and for remaining committed to this blog. Reading your words and sharing your journey gives such strength to so many. I am one of the lucky islanders with four month twins asleep right now after years of sorrow and heartbreak. My babies are through donor and my remaining embryos will hopefully give another woman the chance to be a mom. It is a gift worth the wrenching journey and can be accomplished in many ways. Huge hugs to the three of you.

[WBC]

Thanks for continuing to write posts like these, Maya. I continue to read them- once an Islander, always an Islander! Glad to hear Momo is well, the previa is improving, and that you are managing bedrest like a champ.

[Binkymoongee.wordpress.com]

Thanks for sharing your journey in finding Momo. I am currently trying my own eggs for the last couple of mini-IVF cycles... If that doesn't work, then we'll move onto donor eggs. I have thought a lot about losing the genetic links in the past few months knowing that we may well be heading that direction if we don't get pregnant with my OE. Thanks for sharing your thought process. I'd also feel a sense of loss if my future children don't share something from one of us. But I am so excited that having Momo means expanding your family! You're so right that she'll be her own 100%. That's a great perspective.

[anne]

Maya,
Thanks for your response yesterday. Everything you wrote in todays post is exactly what I feel like we are experiencing. Just when you think you can't possibly carry on like this for one more day somehow we keep making it through. Thankfully I might add!
It is nice to hear your journey with embryo donation. We have used donor sperm from the beginning so we have already grieved the fact that our child will not have my husbands genetics. Now that we have been advised to use donor egg/embryo we are grieving this genetic connection yet again. Weird as it sounds, there is a little comfort that we both suffer from these conditions. Although it is devastating, it restores my faith in the fact that what lies ahead for us will be amazing. At this point we are ready to move quickly and like you, would prefer a private clinic. Thanks for the suggestion to just pick up the phone and begin calling. It seems our center has very very few embryos for adoption and most of the time they have none. We do have several centers in our area and I will start there. Thanks again for sharing your story. Wishing you lots of luck and I will stay in touch.
Anne