Learning Not To Panic

I typed in the title of this post and am now just sitting here. I thought I had some words of wisdom about calming the fear and relaxing the body but if I'm being honest, I don't know how good a job I'm doing myself. Ok. Let's dissect this together shall we.

Thursday was one of the most traumatizing days of my life. In moments of panic like that, sometimes the brain and body go into this bizarre survival mode where you become somewhat removed for the immediate experience. I was there, I was feeling what was happening, but I was also checked out. 

Yesterday I went to my OB and she confirmed everything the ER doc said. Momo is fine, the placenta is being difficult. While I trust my doctor and really like her, I'm having a hard time believing everything is fine. I woke up all through the night on Thursday because I could feel myself bleeding. I woke up this morning wanting to cry because my belly looks less round and I'm worried I'm "deflating" and Momo's little sac is going to close in on itself, or something ridiculous. I have guilt and fear about my body not working properly, and worries that something else terrible and scary is lurking around the corner for us. 

And now it's Saturday morning, and I have to get a hold of myself. All my feelings and fears are normal and understandable, but they don't serve me in any way. They just make me feel bad and drive Noah bananas. Noah has this enviable yet somewhat annoying ability to never get freaked out. About anything. Ever. He goes with the facts he knows and moves on.

The facts we know are that Momo is still in there. I'm not "deflating" and she still has her heartbeat and her dance moves and is measuring at 15 weeks, which is on target. My body is not failing. My body has grown her from a blob of soap bubbles to what looks pretty close to a human baby, even at this stage. My body is working out the kinks. It seems to throw us some curve balls at times and that's frustrating, but it is what it is. Momo seems to know how to hit the ball out of the park every time. 

It's a sunny day here in LALA land, and while I'm confined to the bed, I can take my dark, fearful sunglasses off and just sit with what is. For now. Because that's all I have. Worrying and wondering about what might happen, and then worrying and wondering about how my worry and wonder are negatively impacting Momo is making me crazy. So I'm just going to stop. I'm going to take a deep breath and watch back  the footage of yesterdays ultrasound. Noah filmed Momo on the ultrasound monitor so I can watch and remember that she's still there and she's okay. 

That's my weekend mantra. We're ok. Everything is ok. My mom and aunt are coming over with healthy food so Momo doesn't eat a giant bowl of cereal with a giant scoop of ice cream in it for dinner, again. 

Wishing and hoping everyone out there is more than ok this weekend. Thanks for all the love and support.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and for all the love and support. It means so much to us! Mel, good luck today with your transfer! We will be thinking of you and I'm sending Momo vibes your way ;)

[A Few Good Eggs]

Thinking of you, Maya, and I like the mantra. Even if you can't feel that way all the time, it will be great to give yourself a little break from worrying when you can. Hang in there.

[phaira]

Hang in there Maya...thinking of you. xo

[Lisa]

Why is the woman always the worrier while our men have the mantra "it is what is is" and we'll deal with it. That's my husband anyways. Through our journey he's always said "it'll happen". And you know what if he can be positive then so can I and the rest of us. Thank God for the men that keep our hormones in balance and keep us on the positivity train. Sending lots of love to Momo!!

[Mel]

Hi Maya

I've been following you silently for a while now. But today I have decided to come out of the shadows to tell how much strength your posts have been sending our way. You and I have had similar timelines (although I'm still going through FET. Tomorrow is transfer day). I totally relate to your experience, angst, fears, ups and downs. I am sooo happy that you got to the next step of the journey towards parenthood. I've taken this journey one battle a time, with the understanding that it would only be a step. My stay on IF island has greatly developed my ability to explore, discover, learn and quickly react to the curveballs. Former IF islanders who get out, get a head start on learning how to become happy parents. They’ve already learned (sometimes the hard way) how to tame their worries, panics and scares. Isn’t that what a parent does, full-time?

Look at you : 15 weeks! Sending all the good vibes and hoping you'll get back on your feet quickly to enjoy your P time. It's too short to waste. You’ll have plenty of time to do so as Momo grows into a beautiful women !

Bon courage Maya !

[Meliss]

My husband is just like that too- he goes by the facts of what he knows and only that. every time I get ahead of myself trying to figure out transfer day, when we would find out and then potential due dates he reminds me not to try to plan things that we have no control over. Likewise when I start getting depressed in a downward spiral that nothing will ever work and we should start researching adoption this second - he reminds that we have to take each day at a time. It's good we have these boys. Sending you so many good wishes...and remember what you know is that momo is dancing away! Xo

[WBC]

Wow Maya, all I can say is this totally sucks and I'm sorry to hear that you are having to endure more drama. I have faith that you and Momo will come through this, and boy will you have stories to tell her someday.

[M]

Dear Maya, you have developped the strength (and have the spousal support) to ward off this stress whose hormones you share with Momoko. Taking upon oneself (controlling the fears) is a mother's lifetime job already started.
You are a model for a number of us. As a novice IVFer, I still run from one worry vaguely present to the next potential bad thing on the horizon, and I am not there yet in getting as serene a hormonal landscape as I'd want for the growing embryo of mine (and this, despite less adversity so far in my own case). My husband, like yours, is wonderful to objectivize. I wish that I have your strength one day, I wish that you continue to hold this strength, and above all, I wish that all those adversities leave you alone at last.

[Jess]

I can't tell you the number of times I thought my belly looked smaller and was convinced it was over... Then (shocker) I would eat some more and it would look big again. We are an understandably neurotic bunch here on IF Island but it sets us up to take motherhood in stride. We get so used to paranoia that we almost become good at it! Sending happy thoughts to you. I say stay in bed as long as you want. I had a harrowing pregnancy after all my BFNs and at a certain point just decided to incubate and lay low no matter what the docs said. It made me feel safe and eased the paranoia! I used my bed rest wisely- watching marathons on Netflix!

[Jamie]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so scary the past few days. I know what it's like to feel like you are starting to relax a little and then have something come along and shake you up. I'm glad to hear that you are both doing okay and that Momo is hanging in there. When I was stuck being immobile I actually started working on a craft project (blanket) for my baby. (I am not in general very domestic). It kept me busy and helped me feel like I was putting positive thoughts into the process rather than freaking out. I wish you smooth sailing from here.

[Anita]

Praying for you and Momo, Maya. Can totally relate to how you are feeling. Sending positivity and best wishes your way.

[Rebecca]

I don't know how you are doing it. It's a good thing you have been prepared to be strong through infertility! I have had a pretty smooth pregnancy, but I had a miscarriage in February, and it is crazy how much that affects my level of panic. We had our 20 week anatomy scan last Monday, and the tech was checking out the flow of urine to/from the bladder, and my husband and I FREAKED OUT because it reminded us of the ultrasound where we found out our baby was dead and there was blood flow around the sac. Everything is tinged with the years of infertility and the pain of our awful ultrasounds during the last pregnancy.

Praying for dancing Momo to keep going strong!

[KB]

Sending positive thoughts. I'm so sorry for what you've been through- what a rough week! Sometimes it's in the quiet AFTER something dramatic that it can be even harder, as you try to process everything. Hang in there.