More Ramblings on Relationship Survival

I've written a lot about relationship survival on IF Island and just wrote a piece for Fertility Authority about it again, because I think it's an important topic that a lot of people/couples might struggle with. 

Infertility can take a toll on a marriage or committed partnership. You and your sig fig might not always be on the same page, and the stress of living with infertility often creates this intense pressure-- emotionally pressure, physical pressure, financial pressure. I often felt a pressure to figure it out. I'm a problem solver. I like to analyze a situation and come up with creative solutions, as do many others here on IF Island. The problem with infertility, though, is that sometimes, often times, the problem can't exactly be identified, and the solutions often have a very low chance of success. We all have to weigh in risk factors and time factors and financial factors while at the same time many of us are trying to grieve some specific losses we might feel. Having a partner on the journey with you can be very supportive, but can also cause some tension. 

One thing I wrote about in the recent blog for Fertility Authority is the importance of remembering that you and your partner are on the same team. Team Get Us Off the Island and Get Us a Baby! Sometimes it will be just the two of you and a doctor to whom you pay a lot of money on that Island. Sometimes there will be a lot more people. Our team has shifted over time. Many friends were very supportive in the beginning, but after years of infertility treatments it became a little exhausting for them I think. Also, many of them got pregnant in the time Noah and I were trying, and that created a rift. 

All relationships get affected by infertility--friendships, work relationships, family relationships, even your relationship with yourself. Sometimes relationships can change for the better. I have several friends who have really stuck by me, and we are closer than ever now. My parents have been an incredible source of support, and I think our experience on IF Island has changed them in positive ways as well. And Noah and I are stronger than ever. Many people comment that going through the challenges that infertility brings has made their relationship and communication much better and stronger. I believe in that. I believe that within the chaos and destruction that infertility brings into ones life, some peace and growth can be found. But I also know there can be some tough times and its common to lose some friendships. 

So what's my point? To remember that there is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and our partners in the madness of infertility. To always be honest with yourself and your other, and to know that you might not problem solve in the same way but that you do have the same goal. To try and communicate in a way that everyone can feel good about, and when needed, to take a time out. To take care of yourself and to try to remember your friends and family are doing the best they can, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. And to always, always be kind to yourself and your body. 

Happy Friday IF Island! Sending lots of love this weekend. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Britney--ugh. People can be such idiots. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and I'm sad that infertility isn't taken more seriously for what it is-- a medical diagnosis that affects millions of people! No one would come up and joke about having cancer or something. So frustrating. But it sounds like you spoke up for yourselves and didn't let one person's stupidity ruin your night. Us Islanders have to deflect a lot of insensitive and ignorant comments, unfortunately. Good luck with the embryo adoption! Hope the 2ww isn't excruciatingly slow! Lauren, thanks for your comment and for the info you provided. I really wish I was more tech savvy and could create more resources and groups and ways for people to connect on this site. It would be so great to have a little section to give support for people in the 2ww or create local meet ups for people in similar geographic areas going through similar struggles. I've met a handful on friends through the blog and they are proving to be the most supportive. I hope people will continue to comment with their location so others can respond and hopefully connect.

[lauren]

Britney, that's just awful. So sorry your husband had to put up with that stupid "joke" and good for you for saying something to the idiot's sister.

I'm also in San Diego and wanted to ask if you knew about 3rd Party Cookies? It's a peer-led support group (you can find it via the RESOLVE website) for those of us who used an egg or sperm donor / surrogate / adopted embryos, and it's been super helpful to me on our journey via egg donation.

Good luck! Hope your PUPO 2ww is the start of a glorious 9 months!

-Lauren

[Britney from San Diego]

Maya, I found your blog about a year ago and want to thank you for your honesty, incredible insight, and advice. I also have DOR and my husband has low morphology. Many friendships have changed over the last 5 years of our fertility struggles. We went to a wedding last weekend where we saw 6 couples that we used to hang out with when we first got married but have all moved away and all have 2-3 kids. I shared the details of our journey with some of them and not with others. We were having a great time at the wedding until my husband told me what our friend's brother said to him. This guy asked my husband if we had any kids and my husband said not yet. This guy said, "What's up with that man? You shooting blanks, you're guys don't know how to swim?" Then he laughed really loud, as he usually does at his own jokes. My husband is a pretty easy going guy so he brushed it off and walked away. But when he told me, I could tell it bothered him and I was LIVID. But I didn't want this guy's ignorant comment to ruin our time at the wedding. His sister, a woman I used to be friends with a few years ago but haven't talked to recently, came up to me a few hours later and I told her to teach her brother some manners and there are certain things you just don't joke about. She told me her brother was really drunk and I lost it and went off on her. I will never talk to her again and it amazes me how insensitive and utterly clueless people can be about infertility. I would not wish this struggle on anyone but it has shown me who our true friends are and has made my husband and I stronger and more connected. I am currently in the 2ww to see if our embryo adoption worked. Thank you for your words of wisdom, you have helped me more than you know and I'm truly grateful for this community.