Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I just learned that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I wanted to take a moment to send love and hope to anyone who has experienced this. I have many friends who have had miscarriages or a stillbirth, and even know a couple who have lost an infant to SIDS. It's awful and I feel myself tearing up as I write this.

Earlier this year, I wrote about creating rituals after a loss. I think finding a tangible way to honor a loss like this is important. I have never had a miscarriage, so I can't claim to know what that experience is like. I can't even imagine the heartbreak and trauma. I don't really know how to categorize the feeling of loss that comes with a BFN or that feeling of emptiness that Noah and I felt during our first IVF cycle after we knew our embryos fertilized well but didn't divide. I knew they weren't babies, but they contained the hopes to become babies, and for us it was devastating to know those petri dishes were washed out in a sink in a cold lab, little specks of our combined DNA, the only specks of our combined DNA, circling the drain.  

I can't compare the loss of our embryos to the loss of a baby-- and I wouldn't dare to. But I will say that IF Island is filled with people experiencing and recovering from different kinds of losses from the loss of being able to conceive naturally to the loss of genetics to the loss of being able to carry to the loss of embryos to miscarriage and beyond. But IF Island is also filled with people who are resilient. People who can get back up and find the inner strength and determination to heal their hearts and continue to fight to find their baby.

Everyone has to do what feels right for them. Some people heal quickly from loss, some people need more time. There's no right or wrong here. But each time any of us gets knocked down and we feel that there's no way we can handle what's out in front of us--know that we can and we do. That's who we are. We have to find ways to look forward towards an optimistic future even when we've been buried in grief. 

Life is filled with times of extreme sadness and times of exuberant joy, and everything in between. That's part of the deal with being human, and definitely part of the deal with trying to create another human. Learning to sit with the emotions of wherever we are at, finding ways to cope, and doing our best to move forward is all we can really ask of ourselves.

I hope everyone on IF Island can find a moment today to send love to yourself, (if you're on the Island, you had some form of loss) and love to any babies you may have lost. Know that you're not alone and that this community sends a lot of strength and healing to you. If anyone wants to share their experience or things that help them heal, please do. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Natalie, that just sounds awful. To work so hard to get something and then have to actively end it--I'm so sorry. I've known a lot of people who have had ectopics--some lost their tubes, some almost died. It's scary. It's so sad and frustrating--if only. Just remember you had to do what you had to do in that situation and none of it is your fault. Glad you have a great partner and can continue on the path together. Wishing you well.

[Natalie]

I missed this, but then again it kinda feels like every day is pregnancy loss remembrance day for me. Sort of - it comes in waves. Some days I feel normal and even feel my old "single and childless and proud of it" self that was me for so many years but then I remember that I'm in an awesome relationship and we share an awesome goal of bringing a child into the world. And now we share the awful truth of having lost an early pregnancy. I think any pregnancy loss is its own special kind of hell. In my case I was diagnosed with a likely ectopic and had to end it with an injection of methotrexate. We don't know for sure that it was ectopic because nothing was ever seen on ultrasound but the hormone levels were behaving like it was ectopic. What makes THAT a special kind of hell is that we'll never know but I could very well have had a healthy pregnancy and baby if only that little embryo hadn't implanted in the wrong spot. Sigh. But I'll agree that in our case it seems to have brought us closer together as a couple.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Juliet. Thanks for your sweet words. Sorry for your losses. It's so hard to come off an unsuccessful cycle. There is such an emptiness that follows. IF Island can be very lonely for sure, but know that you have a solid community of amazing people out here who really understand the pain and sadness. Sending love to your healing heart. Wow Lisa. I also have a friend who had about 6 miscarriages. One was a set of IVF twins that she miscarried several weeks apart. Awful. She has two beautiful kids now, one through adoption, one through egg donation and surrogacy. She really couldn't see it any other way and says if she had to go through all the pain over again to get the two kids she ended up would she would. Good luck on #4! Fingers and toes crossed for you! And I second your comment to Lindsay. You are an amazing warrior Lindsay. Thank you for sharing. I know a lot of people out there can relate all too well to your story. ANd those anniversary dates of loss can be really hard for a lot of people. Congrats on being SO CLOSE to finally meeting your baby girl! How exciting. It sounds like you have a great husband and have an even stronger bond. Your baby girl is lucky to have such a tough Mama!

[Lisa]

Lindsay, you are amazing, that is all.

[Lindsay]

Our baby would have been due in July. We lost her (found out it was a girl after a post-D&C analysis) at only around the 7 week mark. Many people would say that she wasn't even a baby yet, as no heartbeat had ever been detected. But to me, she was very real. Early last November, I had a period of 2 weeks when I found out that our 2nd IVF attempt was a BFP (first attempt had failed) and I was filled with joy. I remember bursting into tears when a nurse called to tell me the good news that day. But the bottom fell out from under me a few weeks later when I watched my RE's face fall during an ultrasound and he told me "I'm so sorry, but this is not a viable pregnancy." I will never forget that moment.
Fast forward through two long months where I had to undergo a D&C, get through the holidays (buying gifts for kids is NOT much fun after a miscarriage!) and visit my RE every Friday for 6 weeks as we waited for my HCG levels to drop back down to zero. We had one more frozen embryo and one more chance before we'd delve back into a fresh cycle ... but I knew I'd have needed a break first. Fortunately, the third time was a charm. Our baby girl was that third frozen embryo and she's due in less than a month - nearly a year after the day that I had my D&C.
I can't say that I'm still not worried about the "what ifs", even at 36 weeks along. And I can't say that a July will ever pass again without me thinking of the child we lost. But the experience brought my husband and I even closer. It made me realize how strong I am and how strong I'll be for my child. And it gave me an appreciation for life and the miracle of being a mother that I'll never take for granted. I know that all of us on IF Island feel the same way. I wanted to share my story today in the hope that if any readers are experiencing a loss, they realize that they can get through it with the support of their loved ones and the willingness to get up and try it again when they are ready. We are all warriors!

[Lisa]

A girl I went to HS with, and we only reconnected because of Facebook....well she is due in a few weeks....after 6 years TTC and about 6 miscarriages! So I know when we all feel like losing hope there are outcomes like hers and I can't even fathom how she carried on, but she did. She was brave enough to post things about her infertility and because of that I reached out to her privately. I have never been pregnant but I think we've all known someone (or many!) who have lost a miscarriage. You are all warriors...take care Maya and Momo! I had IUI #4 today with Dr. Jab...fingers and toes crossed.

[Juliet]

Hi Maya,
Thank you so much for your blog. I love it. And it's so lovely to see that you are p. with little momo. What a brave and spirited young woman you are!

It's such a relief to have all the familiar experiences of infertility articulated and brought to the light, especially with so much understanding of the heartbreak as well as the ridiculousness.

It often feels like such a quieted and unspeakable thing and yet it's the centre of my life. It's comforting to know it's not just me that feels isolated here.

I've had two miscarriages, both at 12 weeks , the first from natural conception, and the second from IUI. We just finished a second failed IVF. I am a step mum too so I get terribly jealous of my partner's parenting relationship. A lot of my old friends have fallen away, which is an added grief, cos I know I'm not the same person I was, but I still want to journey with them, and I still need to have fun. So thank you also for creating some feeling of comradeship, community on the island.

Most importantly, rest well. Regards to Noah too - I'm sure he is a super star! And I wish all 3 of you the very best.
Juliet