The Five Stages of Grief on IF Island

I just read a comment from a fellow Islander who has been on the Island for 4 years,  been through multiple cycles and procedures, and just got a negative beta on Wednesday and can't financially afford to continue down this path. Her first line to her comment was, "It's over for me." Just like all of us, all she wants is a family. And she appears to have done everything she possibly could to try and get that. My heart goes out to you and all those who are in the moment of feeling that it's over for them. I totally understand that, and have felt that way several times along our journey.

The worst time was after the egg donation cycle with my sister. It was such a rough time and I felt like I had hit whatever the place is that comes after rock bottom. It felt over. And in that moment maybe it was. Even though I always knew Noah and I would find a way to have a family, we were down for the count for some time, because we just didn't know how we would move forward--what we could do, what we could afford, what my body could handle, what our lives and relationship could handle--it was a definite moment of being on hold. But I like to think of it more as a hold, not over. 

I've been working on a book about our journey to parenthood, and am posting a short, semi-edited excerpt from something I wrote after our first IVF proved unfruitful: 

...According to the Kubler-Ross model known as the “Five Stages of Grief,” I was clearly transitioning from anger to bargaining to depression, at warp speed.

The “Five Stages of Grief” theory states simply that there are identifiable stages that most people commonly experience when there is a loss. Though usually this refers to a death, it’s applicable here, as it is with any grief. These stages aren’t necessarily linear, and they often overlap or repeat.  I realized I’d been cycling through these stages repeatedly with every new loss.

 The first stage is Denial. This is how Noah and I put our feelings on hold to get through the Holidays with a smile. We just “tabled” the fact that we had just failed an IVF cycle, and that our chance to become parents felt slimmer than before. We pretended my body was not full of hormones, some not FDA approved, and that we had nothing to show for our efforts.  It didn’t seem real.  So we chose not to think about it, because there was nothing we could do. 

 When January arrived, I entered the second stage, Anger. Pure, overwhelming anger. We were unsure of our next step, and having no plan upset me.   I was so very full of anger,  but I wasn’t sure where to direct it.  So I found a way to pick fights and put myself in situations that could only make me angrier. Whereas anger is normal and probably a necessary step towards healing, I can tell you first hand, it sucks.

 Then comes Bargaining.  That’s what I was doing when taking that pregnancy test, what I do every time I take a pregnancy test. I bargain. If…then…I promise…I swear…please. While our embryos were dying a slow non-cell dividing death, I found myself bargaining a lot. I thought about what I “should” have done differently, and felt guilty for getting my family so invested. I wished and prayed and ultimately moved to the next stage, Depression.

Over the last two years, I’ve been in and out feeling depressed during our effort to make a family. But the depression that comes directly after a specific loss is a debilitating gloom that’s different than the cyclical sadness I’ve felt throughout this process...

I believed getting a puppy would help me enter the final stage of grief, that of Acceptance... We did get a rescue puppy, but the week we got her I had three deaths in my family and had to give the puppy up. The timing was not good. I re-entered the stages of grief for different reasons, but I did come to the point of accepting that our first and only IVF cycle with my eggs didn't work and I would have to let go of my biology. After spending a month funeral hopping Noah and I were ready to figure out the next plan. And we did. And then we figured out the plan that came after that when we had to. And then the next plan after that plan didn't work. I couldn't have fathomed any of the plans we attempted at the time of sadness coming off that first unsuccessful cycle. 

When our hearts are broken and we feel completely devastated we just aren't functioning at our usual capacity. We are broken and sad and hopeless and angry, and justifiably so. But it is in these moments that I tried to just tell myself right now I am empty. Right now I am lost. Right now there are no solutions. But it won't be like this always, and I won't feel like this always. Giving myself time to grieve and process and pause without making any decisions or judgments (easier said than done) helped me not feel all was lost and over, but that I was just falling through space and time holding the pieces of my broken heart in my hands and hoping something would break my fall. Right after another disappointment is the time that it's most important to heal and take care of yourself and your partner and not make decisions. Sometimes there comes a point where it is over and people decide to live child-free. That is a very hard decision to make but understandable for some. But other times the despair and sadness require a time-out so things can be reassessed and goals can be redefined. And out of the destruction often comes a new idea, a new possibility, a new solution.

Each situation is very different and sometimes seeking professional help from a good therapist can help with this process. I send so much love to all those feeling empty right now. All I can say is I've been there and I get it. But I also know that sometimes we are empty and sometimes we are full, and sometimes we are somewhere in-between. That's the changing nature of life and being human and that nothing stays the same forever.

 

Comments

[Ravi Gupta]

Thanks for sharing your blog and useful information .i am institute of reproductive medicine and ivf center in new delhi I Will Always Visit Your Blog Again And Again. Keep Writing More.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Meliss-- I hear ya. I vividly remember at the beginning of our journey Noah saying, "There's no way we're doing this stuff for years. No way." And then the years and procedures and money all float by and suddenly four years, almost five have gone by. I can't even think about the money. It's easy to think about all that has been lost and all that we've gone through and had to give up. I think about it sometimes-- sometimes I find myself talking to someone complaining about being P or even someone who got P through IUI or IVF and I have moments where I think, "but you got your own genetics..." and then I stop myself and remember all that I have right now and how special it is that Momo was donated by strangers for us to have. Having frozen embryos is great! That's half the battle. Wanting to carry is a very strong desire and I understand it. It's a physical longing that cannot be fully described, but I know the feeling. Having to give that up could be another huge loss for you, not to mention expense, and I hope you don't get there. I actually started working for a surrogacy agency doing the psychological assessments on some potential surrogates and I have to say though surrogacy is not anyone's first choice, or at least not usually, there is an amazing relationship and every special experience that can be formed, and with the huge loss of not being able to carry also possibly comes a gain. I'm just blabbing right now, but just know it is in no way selfish to want to carry your child. It's the most natural thing in the world to want. And I so wish that for you! Have a good weekend.

[Meliss]

I have felt like I have been at that lowest point for awhile and that I'm stuck at the bottom....I have been going through the stages as well (was a psych major in college so I remembered this! ) but-- I have yet to get to the acceptance part of the situation we are currently dealing with ... which is the fact that I may never be able to get pregnant or carry my own baby. I managed to have more hope during all 4 IUIs and I think it's partially because I was in denial that I was truly infertile and I naively thought it could still happen without too much medical intervention. I didn't think i would ever be one of those women to struggle for years, go through multiple rounds of ivf, etc...and still have nothing to show for it. But here I am... after several cancelled transfers and still struggling with a thin lining that doesn't want to budge. I know I should feel grateful that I have embryos frozen and that if things continue not to work that we could use a surrogate. And I am thankful- But in my selfish heart of hearts it still feels like it's not enough..i want to carry our child. It is comforting to read your words that remind me that this will not last forever. Anyway sorry this turned into total rambling but I do so appreciate your perspective and honesty as always. Love to you, Momo and Noah! Xo

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Oh Lisa--I'm sorry to hear it didn't work. I've been thinking about you. I know it's hard and the unknown road ahead is scary. Take care of yourself and don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. That's my philosophy, you're not bailing, you're just not in a space to do certain things. That's called being honest and good to yourself. I hope your next appointment brings some clarity and I wish you the best. And Rachel, Pema Chodren is wonderful, def a great book recommendation ;)

[Rachael]

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodren

Your excerpt reminded me of this book. This is a fabulous book, not just for infertility patients, but for anyone going through a situation that feels so unbearable. I swear it's saved my sanity so many times. Anyway, just thought I'd mention it here in case anyone is reading the comments and could use a book recommendation.

Great post, as always.

[Lisa]

Oh Maya, you speak the truth sister and I love seeing a new blog post from you pop up in my feed in "Outlook"...so I got my 4th negative beta doing IUI. I know IVF is the next step and I'm not freaking out yet because I have to believe that something is preventing sperm from entering the egg, and maybe once in a petri dish they will make that happen...but the uncertainty, the unknown of what if that doesn't work is really, really, freaking scary. It's so hard, and I don't want to sound conceited here, but I've always had it all - two degrees, a condo, 2 awesome Sphynx cats, my parents are still married, my in-laws are still married, a great husband, a great job, and the list could go on - but I'm still childless and for that I feel like I'm the biggest failure that was! My husband and I dated a long 7.5 years before he proposed and I was getting impatient from like year 4.5 and on. He always would tell me, "Don't worry Lis, you'll get what you want". And I did...eventually...so maybe that is where I am now...just finishing up 2 years TTC...I'll get "what I want", but not in my timing...Did I mention I am very impatient!!! I too have a sister, she is three years younger, and I find myself wondering if she would give us her eggs if we needed them. Of course I've never said this out loud to anyone, but after reading what you tried Maya, it's come into my mind. So now I wait until November 25th when my husband and I sit down with our RE to discuss everything and moving forward. My husband seems to think we should still try a few more IUI's (his co-worker got pregnant on her 6th IUI), but I'm not so sure. I also find myself using my failures to bail on things - my mom really wanted me to host Thanksgiving this year, but I texted her after my negative beta that I wasn't feeling up to it - really, I could have, but you know what, I am giving myself a pity party and don't want to host. I want to be selfish and just show up on Thanksgiving with my one side dish and be done. Thanks for letting me express myself here. I don't have my own blog and sometimes just getting it out, help. Much Love to you Maya and Momo (and Noah too)...