A Better November-- Finally

November has been a notoriously crappy month for Noah and I on IF Island. But this year, I must say, even though I can't travel with Noah for Thanksgiving (he's ditching me on Tuesday to spend the week in the Pacific Northwest with his fam) I have much to be thankful for. 

November 2012 was the worst. We were in the middle of our first IVF cycle and couldn't travel so we decided to spend a few days in Palm Springs. We packed up by bag of meds and syringes, hit the doctor's office on the way down where we found out only two of my nine follicles were growing. We made a quick detour to the pharmacy to pick up a few thousand dollars of meds, as our cycle was extended a few days, and then we drove to the desert. Noah was silent, I was crying. The entire way. We ordered disgusting room service and literally had the worst Thanksgiving ever. 

In November 2013, Noah and I were starting to lose our minds. On November 1, I posted video of our last FET with the batch of embryos made from my sister's egg donation cycle. I got my negative beta on November 8, and then we were utterly lost. My sister donating eggs to us was already plan D. Where to go from there?  I tried my best to stay positive and convince myself that we would figure it out. But it was a rough time. We did end up going to visit Noah's family that year, and that was when I met with the clinic and first found Momo. 

While Momo seemed like a potential light at the end of a very dark tunnel, Noah and I were still so broken and unsure. We were really going to shove some couple's left over donated embryo up me to try and make a baby? We went through the motions of the holidays as best we could and tried to convince ourselves that 2014 would be better.

And it has been. We broke our streak! This Thanksgiving, sadly, I'm going to miss the festivities at my In-laws--the rainy weather and the smell of warm apple cider. But this year I have Momo. She's 22 weeks as of yesterday.  I can feel her a lot now and it's bizarre and amazing. I wake up at 3am starving and drink a glass of milk and imagine her little bones forming. The love and anticipation I feel outweighs any other annoyance or discomfort. 

So what's my point? Even though years go by and the journey for some of us sometimes feels completely endless and discouraging, things really do change. Every new year since 2010, Noah and I have woken up and said, "This is going to be our year!" And we meant it. And we were dead wrong. We just sank deeper and deeper into the abyss, until now. But if you just say that every year, eventually you will be right, because nothing stays the same forever. 

Sending lots of love to everyone this holiday week. I know it can be tough for many. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the Thanksgiving day love everyone! And I hope you all had a nice holiday. Sounds like some of you are having the same issue with November, ugh, what is the deal! I know how hard the holidays can be, as JCS said, it's like watching an entire year just tick by. I can't believe it will be five years total that we spent going through this when Momo is finally born. Four holiday seasons of feeling like the year just went. Those dark infertility years I suppose. But finding the light, some fun times, some moments of peace and love and normalcy are so important. It's just not going to be what any of us really remember unfortunately. Meliss-- wishing you so much luck if you do transfer right about now!!! Keep us posted! With much love and gratitude for all of you on IF Island. M

[Mel]

Happy November Maya. And Happy Thanksgiving ! Wishing you and your family all the best.
Good luck to you Meliss. I'll be thinking of you !

[A Few Good Eggs]

Maya, I hope you and Momo have a wonderful Thanksgiving together. I am so happy to read that this November has treated you better than those in the past. 22 weeks! Isn't the movement absolutely incredible? It never gets old. Happy Thanksgiving!

[JCS]

What is the deal with November? My last two Novembers have been super crappy and this one is no exception. In Nov 2012, I had a chemical pregnancy; in Nov 2013 the baby had no heartbeat (we learned that the day before Thanksgiving); and this year BFN after FET on my birthday no less. What used to be my favorite month is quickly becoming my least favorite and the holidays are just not the same. For me, they highlight that another year has ticked by and nothing has changed. Here's to hoping 2015 brings us better luck! Glad for you though, Maya. Enjoy it! :)

[Jojo]

So happy you can finally have a happy November! No matter how great someone's life is-- when you are going through IF, the holidays seem to highlight how empty life is without a baby. Best of luck to all of you in the fight. Hope this holiday is a blur and your turn for a happy ending is soon.

[phaira]

Thank you for this post Maya...it helps to be reminded to persevere in the face of uncertainty...to remain hopeful.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Noah and sweet little Momo from Canada!

[Meliss]

Thanks for this Maya- I needed to read this today. Thanksgiving had always been my favorite favorite holiday ever - the food, family time, parades, and most of all remembering to be grateful for what we have. But thanksgivings on IF island have just not been the same as I find myself struggling to be grateful for my wonderful life when the one thing I've always wanted the most ...seems so far away and potentially impossible. Last year this time I remember thinking that as crappy as thanksgiving seemed at the time...I would surely be pregnant by the next thanksgiving. But ...here we are, canceling our Florida plans (including spending the holiday with my grandma and family) to give this ivf attempt #4 every thing we've got and potentially having a retrieval thanksgiving day or the day after. You are so right - things do change and so for now ..I will try to maintain hope that maybe the next thanksgiving I really will be pregnant, or better yet if this works, with our baby. Sending you lots of love and wishes for a wonderful holiday - I'm so happy for you that momo is now a part of it:)

[Jess]

I am so very happy for you Maya! I remember so many holidays, anniversaries and birthdays spent trying to be light hearted and grateful but deep down filled with pain and fear about having a family. To experience a holiday either P or with your baby is such a gift after the torture of infertility. I know I still tear up with gratitude multiple times a day with my little ones. I wish you a great and relaxing holiday. For those still waiting for their family to find them I send a lot of hugs and hope. May I suggest a nice wine buzz to slip the holiday past as quickly and foggy as possible :-)

[pregnant in my forties - hopefully]

What a heartwarming post to read. I've been getting so depressed at the thought of "yet another Christmas" and we seem to have said "this is our year" so many times.
Thank you for this. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving!