The Language of Donor Conception

I vividly remember learning the language of infertility, back in the good ol' days when I thought ovulation test strips were going to be the key to our conception success. I remember having to look up acronyms and couldn't believe there was a completely different language to describe not only the TTC process but the emotional roller coaster of being in the 2ww or getting a BFN. 

Now I've started to think about the language of donor conception--is that even a correct term? I know many people feel very strongly about the choice of words or how things are phrased, and I respect that. But I think Noah and I are still figuring out how we feel. Being that Momo is a donated embryo, and she is already so public, Noah and I are going to have some 'splaining to do. I asked him this morning how he would want to refer to the sperm that helped create Momo. He looked at me puzzled. "I've never thought about that," he said. And I completely believed him. Momo is his baby. His little girl. That's all he cares about. But eventually we will have to have a name or label for the sperm that created her, won't we? 

Let me get the technology straight first. Momo was created from the egg of an anonymous egg donor, and the sperm of the infertile couple who got (used? hired? paid for?) that egg donor. Then the wife/mother/woman in that infertile couple carried an embryo made from her husband's sperm and that egg donor, and they had a baby. The generous couple then decided to donate the two left over embryos back to the clinic to be given (used? bought?) to another couple/person, us. We dusted off my uterus and implanted one of said embryos into it, (Momo has a sibling waiting for us in the freezer) and now Momo is a 20-week old fetus (baby?), kicking away in there. (Yup, I've started to feel her and sometimes see her punching and kicking more regularly. She seems kinda low, like she's almost reaching for the exit, but I'll take it!). Does that all make sense?

"I don't really like biological father," I said to Noah, in response to his lack of response to my question. Somehow the word father or dad doesn't really sit well with me. As far as I'm concerned, Noah is the father/dad. Period. But perhaps this---man, that we may or may not ever know-- is technically Momo's bio dad. 

"And he wasn't really a sperm donor," I added. Because he wasn't technically a sperm donor. He was the husband. He contributed his sperm to make his own child, and then he donated the embryos that were created using his sperm...but he wasn't really a sperm donor, was he? Some people don't even like the term sperm donor, because the word donor implies that something was donated rather than sold. Sperm and egg donors both (usually) get compensated. So is that really a donation in the proper sense of the word? 

Noah looked at me the way he does most mornings when my brain is wide awake and running laps before 7am--like I'm completely insane, and said, "I don't know. Silent partner? I just want to figure out what I'm going to be called. Dad or Daddy, Daddy-O..." 

Silent partner. I kind of liked that. In the book Finding Our Families by Wendy Kramer, there's a small sections about terminology where different people with different relationships to donor conception comment on terminology. On page 7, a child conceived with sperm donation says that the sperm contribution is not his donor, but his parents' donor, and he considered the "sperm donor" to be his "father." 

Kramer cited a study of 751 offspring (another term I'm not a huge fan of) who were "asked to select all of the different terms with which they referred to their donors; in response, 41% said "donor," 30% said "sperm donor," 28% said "biological father," 11.5% said "donor dad," 85.% used the term "father" and 4.5% used the term "genetic father," (p.8). It appears that this was specific to sperm donation and  includes same sex couples, where there may not be another "father " in the home. But it's kind of interesting to see all the different terms. Terms which I'm sure aren't a constant but that are tried on like different hats during a child's identity formation years. 

I have heard that some people with known donors or a surrogate refer to that other person as "Auntie" or "Uncle." Growing up I had a variety of aunts and uncles, family friends of my parents, who weren't related to me. If that terminology works for a family, why not?

And what about the term embryo donation versus embryo adoption? I use the terms somewhat interchangeably but many people may feel strongly one way or another. Momo is not genetically related to eith one of us, so does that inherently mean she is adopted or is that term reserved for the actual process of adoption? The embryo was donated by the couple, but it sure wasn't donated to us--we paid for it. While the clinic can't claim to charge for the embryo, they can charge for the medical procedure (which was about $3,000) and then they can charge an "administration fee" of $4,000. What was that for? The handful of emails and cycle coordination I did with the nurse? I suppose. The embryo was donated by the infertile couple, so I consider it quite an amazing gift, so the term donated embryo does actually work fine for me. 

It seems like there really isn't a right or wrong, but more a what feels right to each individual and family. What feels right to Noah and I might be different from what feels right to Momo, and we will have to respect that. I will never refer to her as our donor child, she is/will be our baby and Noah and I will be her parents. Not her adopted parents. Not her non-genetic parents. Mom and Dad. Mommy and Daddy. But she will know that there were silent partners out there who helped us find her and have her, and she will know how grateful we are to those people. 

Anyone has thoughts on this? Would love to hear.

Comments

[Marilyn]

I know this is an old post but I want to comment that giving your own definition to an existing word like mother or father that already has a definition that everyone commonly understands according to dictionaries and text books is just a sneaky way of lying and not wanting to accept responsibility for it. Imagine a man having an affair keeps telling his wife the girl he's seeing is just his friend or that he has his own definition of cheating so when caught he can say he was not lying she is his friend and by his definition what he's doing does not constitute cheating. It's the worst kind of lie because the liar will never give their accuser the benefit of admitting they did anything wrong.

If words did not have spellings and meanings everyone agreed upon then it would not be a a language because words would not be understood to mean the same thing to the listener as the speaker. If a test at school asked what is the term for a male with offspring you know what the correct answer would be and you know it has a correct spelling. The answer to that question won't be 'silent partner'. How will a person feel about carriers that refuse to give them the minimum respect of referring to their parents as parents regardless of he fact that according to every text book and common understanding!ng of the word They won't admit it. Imagine if they point to a birzh record that names them even though they actually don't fit he definition of the word. It's going to seem like a lie because it is. It's going NZ o seem like he people raising them think they can become something they are not by acting as if they are. Reality is that their parents are heir parents whether they behave like parents or not. So from the perspective of the person on the receiving end of linguistic gymnastics it's just an way to diminish he importance of who they really are and who heir family is so that they can make themselves take on the roll of their family instead. It's a horrible mind game for people to endure.

I spena lot of time helping gamete donors and their lost kids reunite. Please give those families the respect of not making up new definitions of words to make them seem like something other than just family parents kids and siblings grandparents aunts uncles and cousins nieces and nephews. They are the real deal even if they never met. You may not want to use the term mother for a woman who donated her eggs but maternal DNA comes from who? She does not even have to give birth and a woman is always the mother of her offspring that's the truth. So then saying anything to the contrary is a lie.

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[KB]

Now that I'm reading the comments on your NYT post, I see how adoption is pretty divisive of a term for embryos. I humbly admit I did not fully understand. I think it's a really good exercise for all of us stuck on this island to see how people on the mainland consume information about infertility. On one hand, it makes me angry and defensive; on the other hand, I get it. It's a "weird" thing most people don't ever have to think about, so it must seem pretty "out there", which is a reaction I forgot I myself used to have before being kidnapped and brought to this island. I think what you're doing is amazing for all of us because you are helping to give us a voice in the mainstream. I'm really thankful for that.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Heather--I really like that. Provider is a great word! Thanks. KB-- agreed. I prefer embryo donation but I think the word adoption or adopted does make it easier for others to understand. Technically I guess it isn't really an adoption. But saying "we did embryo donation" sounds odd. We received a donated embryo maybe, but that kind of sounds like someone wrapped it in a box and left it under a tree for us...I think when Momo is finally here she'll be our baby and that will be that. It will be easier for everyone for us to just say, "This is our baby!" Tami--she is our little gift, isn't she!

[Heather]

How about using the term provider? Sperm provider, egg provider? Describes the action they performed without the conflicting terminology (paid donor, biological dad). I think it also might sound better to the child of such a situation since provider also carries with it positive, caring connotations in our culture - say like the provider of the family or care provider. Whereas donor is often just anonymous, and often easy, giving and tied to so many things - blood, money, charity, etc. To me, provider seems to allow more room for the purposeful actions, and possibly difficult decisions that may have been involved in this journey, while still limiting the role to exactly what it was, a provider of part of what created this new person. Just a thought.

[KB]

When I've tried to explain to people that this is an option, I've found I see the "aha!" moment in their eyes when I say "embryo adoption" for some reason. Like "donation" makes their brain immediately think of egg donor, and then I have to re-explain that I'm talking about an entire embryo. And "adoption" immediately allows them to understand that, like 'traditional' adoption, it is an option for growing a family, and the baby is simply adopted "earlier" (again, for lack of a better term- I feel like I'm cheapening this by trying to explain but I hope you see what I'm getting at). Not sure if any of that helps- I'm just coming at it as an outsider who's tried using the language to explain it as an option that we too may face.

[Tami]

When you referred to her as your "gift" it makes perfect sense. And it's something a child can understand at an early age.