Venturing Off IF Island Can be a Little Scary

It's been interesting to read the comments from the NYT Motherlode blog I wrote on Wednesday. I was warned that comments can be...harsh, but what struck me is how so many non-Islanders kind of missed the mark about my piece. I know comments can be like a wildfire that takes off in a bizarre direction. Some of the things I read about embryo donation/adoption being a pro-life christian thing and criticisms about how kids made from donors have more "issues," and assumptions that our child will long to know her genetic connection, which some commenter said she will never know, just seemed off to me.

But more interesting, if that is the right word, is it seemed like many people who don't experience infertility just don't see the struggle and desire to have a family. They didn't pay attention to the process of spending years trying different options in order to make a baby. They didn't grasp the amazing miracle it all is--the science, the gift of a donated embryo, the sacrifice of my sister who attempted to give us her eggs. They didn't really understand the emotional pain or that this was really about coming to terms with building a family in an alternative way and then embracing it, and finding the true meaning of family as a group of people who love each other and would go to the end of the earth for each other. Some of the comments were wonderful and supportive, but many were not.

I've been writing on this blog for well over a year, and it's been a safe space for me and for all of us who know the struggle or who are at least sensitive to the struggle and open-minded about different ways babies and families can be made. Venturing out in the the world made me realize even more how important it is to share stories like ours (we've got to get our film out into the world, maybe the visual will help people get it) and help bring awareness and correct information to the general public. An estimated five million babies have been born though ART--that's a lot. And it's part of our mission to normalize that. 

One comment I read said something about us not respecting the privacy of our unborn child. Like we are outing her, implying that some how the origins of her conception are shameful or should be kept secret. I do think about Momo's privacy and how we haven't really left her much choice. I do think about how she might feel about how she came to be. I wonder if we will ever get to have contact with others in the world who share her genetics. So when most kids are just completing science projects and going to guitar lessons and dress shopping for prom, maybe Momo will have some other things on her mind. Maybe not. Noah and I will be here to navigate that with her. She will know the most important things, though. That she was so wanted. That her parents searched high and low and tried everything they could to find her. That other kind people wanted us to have her and gave pieces of themselves for her to exist. That her story inspired other people to donate their embryos so that humans can be made and families can be created that might otherwise not have been. And that she is a miracle who is so loved. 

Will she have issues? Sure. We all do. Will the root of all her issues be about her conception story? Doubt it. Will there be some things that come up for her about it? Probably. Will she have two loving parents, incredible grandparents, and lots of extended family and friends to help her makes sense of it all. Yes. Will it get messy some times? You know it! And that's life. Many children are born because there was an "accident." Many children conceived the natural way have issues with their parents, or feel like they don't belong in their families. That's life too. Momo was no accident--and creating her sense of belonging is something we are keenly aware of.

I just hope that anyone out there who has created their family in a different way feels proud. It takes lots of effort and sacrifice and creative effort for some of us to find our families. That sense of pride rubs off on the child born and I believe is important for them to know. 

Thanks to everyone for creating this safe space here on the blog. Noah and I appreciate all the support and understanding. 

Comments

[WBC]

Sorry I am just catching up and reading this now, but I wanted to say this has been one of my favorite posts. Thank you for making this a topic of conversation among those who have never experienced infertility first-hand, even if it meant subjecting yourself to their sometimes ignorant and judgmental comments. In another one of my metaphors, I sometimes compare admitting infertility and having open conversations about it, to coming out of the closet. The more people do it, and the more media attention it gets, hopefully the less weird it gets to be for others. Yes, just like with the other more famous closet, some like to make it political and religious, and there will always be the haters, but hopefully more and more people will see that we do what we do because we have to, and that love is at the center of it all. Again, thanks for being such an advocate.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Marie and Devon, for all the support. I'm happy that by sharing, others out there can feel less alone. I started this "journey to parenthood" not knowing a soul who experienced infertility or IVF or anything, and it was through my own sharing that I met some of the most amazing and strong people out there. We truly are a village of warriors! Congrats to you Marie--an Aries baby! Like Momo (and me). Head strong, stubborn...hmmm.. Devon. Good luck on your next steps. I'll be thinking about you.

[devon]

A'men! You are so amazing for sharing your story, it has taught so many families about the options that are out there for those of us living on this island. And, your story has given strength to continue on to the next steps, I know it has for me.
xo

[Marie]

Maya, thank you so much for your courage. You are truly inspiring. I am expecting my first baby girl via IVF in April, and you have been my inspiration through ART.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the love everyone. It is so surprising that people can have such strong and judgmental views on things they have no experience with or little understanding of. IF Island inhabitants are some of the most thoughtful, accepting, open and empathic people on the planet, and I appreciate that so much. Love to everyone out there.

[j]

Your article was terrific -- don't pay a whit of attention to the comments! Thank you so much for continuing to share your story. It makes a huge difference to so many of us.

[Sujata]

You are a terrific parent already.

It will all be fine. You will be fine, Noah will be fine and Momo will be fine. She will probably spend more time thinking about climate change/world poverty than her parentage. Which is how it should be, if you just compare the magnitudes of the two issues.

As I always try to teach my kids -- we are all just lucky to be alive!

(...and most people are idiots and should just be ignored anyway.)

[Carla]

What infertility has shown me is that people do not usually put themselves in others shoes. They rush to judgment with their own opinions and biases. This is especially true with two illnesses in my family: infertility and mental illness; these terrible diseases do not get the sympathy they should. Illnesses like cancer or multiple sclerosis seem to lead to more understanding, perhaps because they are a more visual illness. I am hopeful that infertility has taught me not to rush to judgment. It takes a real love and kindness to make the true effort of really putting yourself in another person's shoes. Not to say, oh I would never do IVF/embryo adoption/whatever because you are saying it from your own experience (easy conception perhaps) and your own personality, but rather, to say, if I were this person, with her life experiences and her personality, maybe I would make the same choice she did. And to really sit a minute with the idea - so foreign to those who conceive easily, I know, I conceived our child on the first try and now I can't after four failed IVFs - anyway, to sit, even as a normally fertile person, just for a minute, and stretch your imagination and think what it would be like to be unable to create a family, the most basic human desire. Very very few people who have not experienced infertility themselves have the ability to be so compassionate.
It seems that both those on the "left" and the "right" can be judgmental. They are more concerned about political ideas than the very real people in front of them who are struggling, whether it is with an unwanted pregnancy or an unfulfilled desire for a child. They are more concerned about whether it's called embryo or adoption or fetus or baby or donation or whatever, it's their cause, their political identity, their agenda, and they are forgetting just to love and forgive. I always think of what Jesus said, let him without sin throw the first stone. Stop judging, try loving.

[Lou UK]

Your piece was great, and your blog has supported so many people. We have all encountered judgemental reactions by those who simply have NO IDEA what infertility is like, how deep you have to dig, how many soul searching questions you have to ask yourself, and as a couple. I guess those ill informed comments are extreme versions of that. Momo will be nothing but proud of her parents and their courage in publicly being the voice of a large and ever growing community. We attended a talk given in London recently where a young lady who was donor conceived was talking about her experiences growing up. It seemed to be the last thing on her mind...as you say, kids have other stuff to figure out. Keep up the excellent work - your family continues to support others across the world in this situation. Xx

[Tami]

Maya, congrats on the article well done! What you are doing is incredible and you and Noah are making a huge contribution to this cause. As with anything great there are naysayers and those who will try to bring you down. I say we have empathy. Empathy for those who are either ignorant, fearful of the unknown, or are struggling themselves and aren't quite sure how to deal with it.
You have allowed yourself to be so vulnerable and at the same time bringing much needed awareness to this awful IF island . Keep on keeping on! Baby girl will be so proud to have you as her mommie!

[samantha]

Momo will read your journey and be completely blown away by how much she was wanted, and how much you went through to get her. Ultimately though, all she is going to care about is that she has parents who love her! Momo is a pretty lucky gal I think, she has rather awesome parents! ;) Great article BTW, fantastic read!

[Jess]

I think the exact opposite of those uneducated and irrational comments- Momo will feel so special, loved, wanted and I imagine delighted and excited about how she came to be your daughter. How could she feel any other way when she hears the journey you and Noah took to her. Hugs to all three of you.

[Maritza]

I'll pass along to you one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given:

People have a right to their opinion.
And you have a right to not give a $*!# about their opinion.

All you need is love, girl. Like someone else said, keep on truckin'. :)

[A Few Good Eggs]

Ugh, the comments. I thought your piece was fantastic and so many props to you for putting your story out there in such a public way. People just do not understand if they haven't been there and I know you are right - Momo will certainly have issues (don't we all!) but they will probably not be about her conception. She will just know how loved and wanted she was/is.

Thanks again for being so brave and sharing your story!

[Lindsey]

I feel so blessed that your Times piece led me to this blog. I spent a long time yesterday at work reading it, went home and told my husband about it and now am back here again today. As we go through spending time on IF Island (a nickname I love), it is so wonderful to have your personal story reminding us that love is at the center of all this and should always remain at the forefront of our minds. I actually feel badly for those who immediately rush to not-understanding. Thank you for sharing with us, especially those of us who so often feel so sad and alone.

[Lindsay Monnier]

Maya, I always love reading your blog every couple of days. You stay proud of yourselves and of Momo! It is a damn shame that people who do not live the struggles that we live are still so judgemental and think that they have all the answers of how infertile couples should bring a child into their lives. It's not their choice to make. It's not their journey to manage their way through. It's not their life, nor their child's life. The most beautiful families, I believe, are the ones who were created from extraordinary measures. You will have one of the most beautiful families on this earth! And Momo will be so loved...she already is, and she was before she ever started growing in you!

[Christine]

When I read an article I really like (yours in the NYT), I will not read the comments because of the ugliness out there. There are a lot of bored people that are ignorant and instead of trying to understand someone's experience, they feel safer criticizing it.

Your piece made my day yesterday. We also had to find alternative ways to build our family. Your courage to speak about your experience and how you built your family made me feel proud and validated. It was really nice to hear your story and know that there are many of us who have had a difficult path to have a family.

Thank you for sharing and giving some of us that nice flutter feeling in our hearts.

Love from Colorado :)

[Kiki]

Keep on trucking, Maya. You are doing good work. I think you had a excellent troll reaction - they made you think but not hurt- and never mind them anyway. I think when you win the blog thingy, you will have an amazing acceptance speech. I have such a nice image of you waddling up there all p with Momo. Love from San Francisco.