What You Can Gain When You Let Go

I got another book I think will be helpful for anyone who has used the help of donors to create their family. It's called Finding Our Families by Wendy Kramer, the founder of the Donor Sibling Registry. I'm only a few chapters in and honestly, I'm not totally sure I'm going to finish reading it at this juncture, because I haven't really been focused on thinking about or processing what it means that Momo has siblings out there in the world and that she has genetic links to strangers we may or not be able to meet. I wonder about how it will all impact her as she begins to form her identity, but right now, I just want her to grow to be bigger than an avocado and know how loved she is. And I want for hematoma #2 to go away! I can't believe I have another blood monster! Whatever.

But one thing reading some of this book made me think about is how much Noah and I have gained by letting go of some things we felt strongly tied to in the beginning of our journey. Actually, it's this book mixed with the fact that I've been editing video footage of interviews Noah and I have done with each other at various junctures. Yesterday I worked on an interview segment from just before my sister donated eggs. She had offered and then had cold feet. Noah and I interviewed each other on a day we went to a meeting at an adoption agency, and were still waiting for my sis to make a final decision. He and I were in two very different places at that moment, and we discussed what we wanted. He wanted his "baby to made up of partly him," and I wanted out of this infertility lifestyle. My body was exhausted, my sister was unsure, and I felt comfortable with traditional adoption at that moment. Looking back and seeing how strongly Noah felt about his biological connection worried me a little, for a second. Then Noah got home, said his nightly hellos to Momo and talked about how much he loves her already. I'm not worried at all about how he feels about her, but it did make me think about what we've gained by letting go of our genetics.

IF Island is all about loss. It just is. We are all constantly losing something, giving up something, letting go of something we want and how we want it.  We lose time and money and friendships. We lose hope until we can find it again. We lose parts of ourselves, and many of us also lose babies that could have been. That's a major theme here on the Island. But sometimes in the loss, or in the letting go, comes a gain. By letting go of our genetic link, we have Momo. I have gained the opportunity to be P (even if I'm not great at it and it's been kind of a hot mess, I'm still P for the first time in my life and in the fours years we tried to get here). We have gained perspective into what's really important about making a family, and we've gained a deep understanding and respect for the miracle it is to be alive. We've gained patience and empathy and all those important virtues that will ultimately make us better people and better parents. We've gained a community and possibly, down the line, we could gain relationships with generous strangers--the original egg donor and her children of which I think there are at least three, the original infertile couple who donated Momo, and that would be the sperm contribution (I'm not crazy about the term biological dad so I say sperm) and the child they created, and possibly others. And if we never get to meet these anonymous strangers, then we've gained an appreciation for how generous strangers can be.  While it can be viewed as baggage, and perhaps a bit strange, I choose to see it as an incredible thing. I hope Momo feels the same way. 

It's sometimes hard to even fathom gaining anything on this Island, other than more heartbreak and debt. But sometimes, if you look closely and allow yourself to count the blessings, you may actually find a few. Letting go of our genetics will (hopefully in 20 weeks) have gained us a family. A baby, our baby. It didn't go down the way we hoped or planned, but I assume that when we finally meet her, we won't be able to imagine it any other way.

Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

HI Kerry--I so agree. Watching video of Noah and I two years ago and hearing Noah be so adamant about his own biology and now seeing him love Momo and be excited about her really illustrated how much our perspectives can change over time and through our experiences. Sounds like you and your hubs have had a similar experience. Congrats on being 8 weeks! Very exciting!!! Jojo-- getting knocked up on a honeymoon? How boring! The story of how we found Momo is pretty incredible when I think about about it-- she was frozen for four years! How crazy is that. Maybe that's why her initial betas were so low--she needed more time to warm up.

[Jojo]

I am so with Jess. I think spirits find one another and I think the fact that you rescued Momo and will give her the best life imaginable when she may not have ever gotten the chance is one of my favorite stories of conceptions. Forget those boring got pregnant on our honeymoon stories- this is a true parent/ child love story. Xoxo

[Kerry]

When I started my IF journey, IVF was something that I considered to be a last resort. As other treatments failed, I came to accept IVF. As IVF continued to fail, I opened my heart to the idea of an egg donor. The journey my husband and I took was one of periodic loss, but each loss led us to a place where we could more easily accept alternative ways to have a family. I'm finally pregnant (8 weeks! A heartbeat and everything!), but I know that for my next baby, I will be more than open to egg or embryo donors, or adoption. Two years ago, I would have been hung up on genetics. Now, I understand that if the goal is a family, I can get there in so many ways. What a ride. Like many of your posts, this one resonated with me. Love to you, Momo and Noah.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Beautifully said Jess. The struggles definitely give us a different appreciation of it all. Have a great weekend.

[Jess]

Such a great post. I share my mom's belief that spirits choose their parents and that the physical is just a vessel. given that, biology is pretty neat to observe, but in my humble opinion not the biggest factor in all of us. I believe Momo's spirit was waiting for you and Noah and that she chose you two to be her parents. Lucky girl! I am lucky enough to have my twins after a very tumultuous journey to them and I can see their spirits shining so much brighter than anything physical. Whether our babies find us through genetics, adoption or any combination- when they finally reach us and we feel that love and joy, it makes the journey they took to reach us seem so small.