After a few years of darkness, is it ok to send a holiday card?

For many years Noah and I sent out a holiday or New Years card. Just a simple picture of us smiling or being silly to wish people health and happiness. Here are a few from the archives:

And then we packed our bags and moved to IF Island. 2010 was the last holiday card before we went dark. Actually, that's not totally true. We sent this pict from Barcelona in 2011 (when we could still afford to travel) before the major infertility treatments started:

Then we went dark. 

For the holidays in 2012 we were just crawling out of our first unsuccessful IVF cycle. In 2013 we were recovering from my sister's egg donor cycle not working and taking a little break to figure out what was going to come next. I wasn't in the mood to take a goofy holiday pict and honestly couldn't muster a genuine smile. Sometimes life is just really hard. (I wrote a short blog post for Fertility Authority about surviving the holidays today in case anyone is interested.)

This year, while we are home-bound because I still can't really travel or do much, we are able to smile. I'm so grateful for that. I was thinking about doing a holiday card this year but kind of felt weird about it. It's like we fell off the face of the earth and are just popping back in. Is that allowed? It's kind of how I feel about a lot of things--Social gatherings, holiday parties--are we suddenly invited back to the party even though for so long we've both withdrawn and literally just not been invited? 

It's kind of strange to suddenly feel welcome again when for so long Noah and really didn't feel that way. Friends avoided us because they knew we were in a rough place and they didn't know what to say. We avoided friends because they all (yes, all) had new babies and it was just too much. So now what? Do we just pop back on the scene? Reach out more? Send a holiday card? Is there etiquette here? Am I the only one who feels a little funny about it? 

I'm a strong believer in doing whatever you need to do to feel okay while living on IF Island. I think the feelings here are so intense and often misunderstood, that it's important to save yourself. I remember my mom telling me one day I'm not going to be in this dark place, so how I handle myself with other people is important. I was never rude, I just vanished for a while. That's what I needed to do to protect myself, heal my heart, and regain my emotional strength. Now I'm ready to socially engage again and am not totally sure about how to ease my way back in. Perhaps it is with a holiday card. Hm. Noah and I will think about it. 

Wishing everyone who is struggling with holiday galas much love and strength. 

 

Comments

[A Few Good Eggs]

Your Christmas cards are amazing. I love them. I think that if you feel like sending one this year, go for it. I am sure all of your friends and family would love to hear from you guys!

[WBC]

Congrats to Meliss!- another hopeful story for current and former residents of the Island- and a peaceful holiday to all...

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Dee! Congrats! We are happy, I swear ;) I don't think I can ever really leave the IF experiences or community behind. I want to do my best to be inclusive and write for everyone who may be in different places here on the Island and will try to reorganize the blog in the New Year to do a better job of that. Thank you (and everyone else) for wanting to celebrate and be happy with me and please know that I am so happy for you (and Meliss!). Hi Shauna-- thank you for your sweet comment and I'm sorry it's been rough. I get it (see archives from Oct/Nov/Dec 2012....ugh, see anything prior to August of this year.) It can be miserable but please know you have a lot of support here and though I know the holidays can totally suck it won't be like this forever. That was my mantra. For years, but eventually it became true. Sarah-- we are on the same page. Returning to the "normal" world may take a little time for all of us. With your surro due any day I think your "normal" may be a very different kind of normal ;) AHHH! good luck! Sending lots of love.

I think Noah and

[Kiki]

Meliss! So Happy!!! What a wonderful gift. I have happy tears for you and your family.

[Sarah]

I love your pictures from the past years! I feel very similarly about going dark, and have been wondering the same as we try to reemerge from the dark side with our surrogate pregnant and about to give birth any day. I have moments when I want to feel normal again and join the ranks of happy people around the holidays, and those when I just can't shake how painful this time has been for the past few years. Trying to reintegrate with our friends has been a slow process, and sometimes I feel like an impostor, but then I also realize that we really do feel changed after going through so much. I think we are going to wait until next year when we can send a picture with (hopefully!!) our baby on it too, but in the meantime continue to take deep breaths and join in as much as we feel able. Thanks for putting words to something I have been feeling lots lately!!

[Shauna]

Hi Maya - I discovered your blog recently when starting to research donor embryos after a pretty disastrous failed IVF (diminished ovarian reserve can be pretty brutal). I'm so glad I found your writing. I relate to so much of what you have written and a several of your videos have hit very close to home - I've watched a few in tears. Thank you for documenting your life so closely and being a voice for the rest of us out here on IF Island.
I've been beating myself up for not getting into the holidays this year. I usually send out so many cards and decorate, throw a party, buy lots of presents, generally spread Christmas cheer, etc. But after my negative beta (which we never really expected to be positive since our two day transfer was a hail mary pass of some poor quality embryos) earlier this month I just don't feel like it. Definitely identifying with the Grinch more this year! It's comforting to read that other people have taken a break from holiday "obligations" and I'm not toppling into some totally unheard of pit of despair. Although really, the holidays? Not such a big deal, right?
But it's uplifting to read that you now have Momo and are potentially rejoining the ranks of holiday card senders! It makes me feel hopeful and happy. Congratulations to you and Noah!!! I'm sure once you are ready people will be so excited to not only receive a holiday card but also welcome you back on the scene.
Again - thank you. Your blog is really bringing me comfort during a tough time. So appreciated.

[Silvia]

Send one! Or wait till next year and send it with your baby's lovely face on it. I'm thankfully on the other side (where you will be next holiday season) I've got a 2 year old and 4 month old, I sent out cards with my babies smiling little facing and the hanging magnet board in my kitchen is full of cards from friends, all with their smiling 1, 2 or 3 children front and center. I have to admit, being in this place, with little ones to live the excitement, wonder, and newness of the holiday season, is pretty damn fabulous! Glad this is where your life is headed!

[Deirdre]

Hi Maya,

I've been following you for a while and it is time for you to be happy. I want to read your blog and smile and be happy with you week by week. We haven't had that opportunity. It's time for a new chapter, leave the old IF experiences in the past,

Let's celebrate this victory during the last half of your pregnancy. I get it, I'm just 8 weeks off of IF island, after 4 MCs and two failed FETs. It's never the same, but I refuse to be robbed of this experience after so many challenges.

I just want you to be Happy!

Merry Christmas

Dee

[Gladys]

Uumm I am fully expecting a holiday card from you. Or not. I'll still love you regardless. Congrats Meliss we are all very excited for your positive news!!

[Meliss]

Sorry don't me to hog your comment board Maya but thank you (and jojo!) so so much!!!! -I know I have a long way to go before I can rest a little easier (maybe never?) but no matter what happens I'm so incredibly grateful to have this wonderful community!! <3

[Jojo]

Yay Meliss- so happy for your news!!! I have been following your journey through Maya's comment section and am so happy for you. Maya- definitely send one. The world needs to see more of you and Noah's adorableness.

[Chon]

God IF island blows. I like to send cards but we don't do photos. I normally get some supporting a charity. Those first few years everyone sent a card with babies on it and thankfully only one this year! If I ever send the family shot it will be me eating pie. That India awesome!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

OMG Meliss! I had to comment back immediately. AHH! I know we've never met but I have tears in my eyes for you! I've been thinking about you and am so happy about your beta! Let this be the happiest holiday you've had in a while! And yes, you and Jess are very right. People we love will understand that we are kind of (slowly) back on the scene... ummm.. hi...hello there, remember us? It so hard for some many people and I totally get it. If it's yet another quiet holiday season for people who are still healing, I really do send love your way. And a reminder that it won't be like this forever. Meliss, I'm just so excited for you...

[Meliss]

First of all I love your pictures- you guys are adorable! I think that just like you say how you have to do whatever it is that helps you get by on IF island, when you get off the island you still have to do what makes YOU comfortable - not other people. If that means a slow transition back into the real world/social gatherings then so be it, but if that means jumping back into everything right away, I think that's ok too. Besides, the people who really do care and support you will be so happy just to see you again, whether that's infrequently in the beginning or not. I'm so thrilled you guys get to have a happier holiday season.
And...although it's super super early - I wanted to tell you because you've been such a huge support- my beta was positive ..and just got the call a few min ago that it doubled... :) :) hoping my next holiday season will be a joyous one also. Xo

[Jess]

You guys are so cute! I love those pictures. I struggled with the same thing after my IF induced seclusion. What I ended up doing was slowly infiltrate back into things. If I felt some people needed an explanation or a comment after I was back on the grid I would say something light but honest like " wow, so happy to be out on the other side of that tough time". Most of the time people just welcomed us back with happiness. Those that didn't just revealed themselves as folks we don't need in our life. Definitely send a Christmas card. The people who love you and wish you well would love to get one. I am betting that is a lot of people. More than you may realize!