Feeling Okay to be Different

Yesterday I went to a one-year-old birthday party. The first one I've attended in years. Everyone there--or almost everyone there--had a kid (or two), and as I stuffed cupcakes into my face, I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for Momo and for being where I am now (25 weeks). But I also thought about how hard these kinds of social situations were for me for so long. SOOOOO LONG!

I'm a strong believer in not doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, sad, or triggered while on IF Island. It's hard enough to live in this space, to then put yourself into social situations that make you upset or envious or angry doesn't help you at all. You don't win a prize for attending every baby shower and birthday party you get invited to. But if it's fun for you and being surrounding by baby energy feels good, by all means, have a blast. It wasn't that way for me, and while not attending these kind of events resulted in being more isolated and perhaps less invites, it was better for me at the time.

Now I can handle it. I did have a moment at the party, though, where I was a little tongue tied, which reminded me that I may always feel or be a little different than other mom's who didn't struggle to conceive. There was a girl at the party who noticed my belly and started talking about the Chinese gender predictor thing you can do. I had heard of it but never really thought about it. I knew the gender, why bother.

The girl said, "Do you know what you're having?"

"Yes," I replied. And she got out her iphone and said, "let's see if it's right. It's been 100% right for all of my friends so far. What month did you conceive and how old were you?"

I felt my face get hot for a second. I was standing in my friend's kitchen with a handful of people I didn't know who were eagerly awaiting to see if the magical Chinese gender predictor would in fact confirm my baby girl.

"Ummm...well, I don't know if it will work for me...I mean, I know the second I conceived...but I'm not sure if I actually conceived...or if my age...counts..." I started stammering. I wasn't embarrassed, I was just caught off guard. So I told her the month, July, and my age at the time, 34, and she plugged it into her phone and the answer was boy. Incorrect.  So I said, well I used a donor, she was 29. I said it very nonchalantly, pushing aside the weight of the struggle, and the girl typed in July, and 29, and lo and behold, the answer was girl. Correct. 

It was kind of a strange moment, but it didn't make me feel bad. I made some joke about not telling my husband he could have had a boy if we were able to conceive ourselves--but then thought if we were able to conceive ourselves, my age would not have been 34. I also thought about how much I didn't care about gender--that was never a real concern for us. And I thought about how much Noah loves his baby girl and how I couldn't imagine it any other way now.  I had a handful of thoughts and feelings that shifted rapidly. No one seemed to care about the donor or our story. I was no big deal. It was just a moment of remembering I am and may always be a little different in these situations. Sometimes, part of me wants to share, wants it to be acknowledged, but the other times I'm happy to just blend in as an expectant mother, who sort of conceived in July at the age of 34. 

Today we had a doctor's appointment. Our last of the year. The ultrasound machines are so crappy that I don't have a good Momo pict to post. But she's in there. She has a super round belly and little leg bones and overall looks very alien-like. I've had no bleeding so the doctor said to continue to take it easy but I don't have to consider myself of bed rest anymore. I'm feeling more confident and Momo's movements are reassuring. 

Noah and Momo and I may always be a little different. And I'm okay with that.  I'm kind of proud that I can talk about using a donor freely because perhaps it helps make it a normal part of conversation. I could tell a few people at the party didn't quite understand it, but that's okay to. All that's important is what I feel comfortable with and how I feel comfortable sharing. There's not rules to this stuff, it's all very personal. And it will be a work in progress for a while. 

Comments

[Anita]

Maya, This is a follow up to Lacey's post. I know how annoying and hurtful it feels when people who have kids set out to preach the rest. Here I'm going through a long struggle to somehow have a family and a friend of mine is always telling me how hard it is to raise kids! I told her once how tired I was after whole day of cleaning my house, and her response was that cleaning and slogging will feel like a breeze to me once I have a baby. And somehow all conversation I have with her boils down to how difficult it is to raise a kid and I will understand it someday!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. Yeah. These kinds of comments or situations can really catch us all off guard. I have to say, I avoided them completely for a very long time in fear of what Lacey is talking about--bday brawl? t's so crazy how people feel they have the right-- or even duty to tell you you HAVE to have another child because your child HAS to have a sibling. They have no idea what it takes some times. I'm a very strong advocate of doing what feels right to you. You have no obligation to put yourself in an uncomfortable and upsetting situation. Sending love to everyone out there. I know the holidays can bring a LOT of this stuff up.

[kiki]

Hey good work Maya, I have been forcing myself to every kids b-day I get invited to (and even offer to clean up) but using a technique of sympathetic joy - where I just let myself participate in all the love and happiness in full, knowing that my baby is on its way to me and DH. It's not easy. It requires a meditation and medication (valium) practice.

[Lacey]

Adam and I went a friend's daughter's first birthday. We are almost the last of our group of friends to have kids and as hard as that is to wrap my mind around, we're pretty well-versed in baby parties. We've gone to a lot. At this party, we hadn't had our two failed IUI's yet. I was still feeling pretty positive about life. During the part where the little girl was opening her presents and everyone was standing around watching, Adam and I stood back and were just watching. I don't even think I had a shell-shocked look on my face (actually I DIDN'T.) And one of our friends, who just had a baby, started laughing at us and said "You two look shell-shocked. This is how parties for one year olds go. It's always crazy. You'll understand when you have kids." She said this in front of everyone. EVERYONE. I was so angry I could have slugged her (brawl at a birthday party, anyone?). And the thing is, we weren't shell-shocked. Like I said before, we've been to plenty of parties. I have a one-year-old nephew. It was just so insensitive of her. We've passed on parties if we know she'll be there. But now, after two failed IUI's and feeling horrible about my stupid body, we've been avoiding contact with friends with kids. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing to do - or the nicest - but it's just what we have to do at this point.

Sorry for my novel -- you just gave me a great blog post idea.

[Lisa]

Wow... I think I need to use that phrase "feeling okay to be different" as my motto for the coming year. I love how you handled the conversation with the gender predicting lady, too.

[Valerie]

I think it's awesome that you could so freely tell this random woman that you used a donor, and it sounds like no one got obnoxious about it in any way. Gives me hope.

[Anita]

I find it amazing, Maya, that you handle all these sticky situations so well. I find it very difficult to talk about it. I worry that I'll break down and start crying. So, I've not told anyone, which is again a crappy situation to be in. There are times I have to just talk about RE appointments to my manager at work when they fall at the time of travel or a meeting. I take my work also very seriously, and feel a bit down that other girls in my team did not have to go through this. But I seriously wish I could avoid nosey folks. :)
34 is a young mom to be, and in today's time quite common. I also read about epigenetics and feel very happy that you as the mother who carries influences the way genes express themselves. That is so cool..I'm sure Momo would be a miniature reflection of you. I send you all love, and so wish that your ultrasound machines were not so crappy and I could see a picture of Momo.

[Jojo]

Good for you! Sounds like you had a great reaction. I personally find those blissfully ignorant nosey women super annoying. I had a woman at a party this weekend tell me that I absolutely have to have a sibling for my son soon ( if only it were that easy). She was ignorant but her insistence bugged the crap out of me. Anyway- glad you are doing so much for this community- even at a kid's party.