Nature vs. Nurture

Over the holiday, Noah texted me a picture of himself with his newborn niece asleep on his chest. It was a sweet snapshot and my immediate thought was that this little being will be more related to him than his own daughter will be. It was just a thought. I didn't have any emotions about it one way or another, which is kind of rare for me.  This baby might look more like Noah than Momo will. It's very likely, since Momo is half Japanese and Noah is the opposite of half Japanese. Well, there's not really an opposite I suppose, but he's not Asian at all.

I don't know why this was one of the first things to pop into my head. I think the very first thing was actually about how cute he looked and how great a dad he is going to be, but the next thought was about genetics. I thought I got "over" this? Maybe I thought once we made a decision and I got far enough along, that I'd never think about the loss of the genetic link, but I do. Sometimes. And I think that's normal and healthy. All of this stuff is a process.  I believe telling your children about donor related issues is also a process. The use of donor eggs or sperm or embryo or even adoption is not a one time conversation. It's not a "disclosure" but an ongoing conversation that changes and evolves as our kids meet different developmental milestones. It's a conversation that happens at different times for us, as parents-to-be of non-genetic children. While I do believe that Momo's genetic link to us doesn't matter, it's not something to ignore. So when this thought about Noah being more related to his niece than to his own child popped into my head I asked myself if this mattered?

I sat with the thought for a while and tried to dig up feelings around it. Was I jealous that others get to have genetic children? Was I sad? For us? For Noah? For Momo? Did I have fear about his attachment to Momo? Or her attachment to him? Did I worry about what she might be like? If she'll be drastically different from us? A tall math-science whiz with an affinity for volleyball? 

I told myself anything I felt was okay. Because it is. My feelings about our journey and our baby might change from week 10 to week 23 (which is what I hit yesterday! Whoo hoo!) to week 36 (please come soon). That's ok. What's more important than the feelings that arise is how I process them and come to understand them. That is what is going to help me honestly and openly navigate all this with Momo when she's older. But the more I sat with this thought, the more I struggled to find a feeling or a meaning. All I feel for Momo is love and the desire to protect her and not let anything bad happen to her. I truly believe that she is the best baby in the world (obviously), and that she is strong and determined in a way that I'm sure will bring me so much joy and so much frustration in the years to come. I also feel she is 100% ours. I do worry about unknown health issues, but a friend who is also P (naturally) and due around the same time reminded me that she worries about all these things too.  It's just a part of parenthood.

So perhaps those of us with non-genetic children will have different thoughts and feelings about these things come up from time to time. And perhaps they will mean something, but maybe they won't. The thought passed and I went back to looking at various over priced baby clothes on-line.  I really can't figure out why it would matter that his niece is more related to him than his daughter. Who cares? It all suddenly seemed so ridiculous. 

When I ask Noah about this kind of stuff he looks at me like I'm kind of crazy. He loves Momo more than anything in the world. Holding his niece did not bring up feelings about his genetic link to his kid. It just brought up amazement that a human can be so small. And when she pooped herself awake, he was equally amazed, and perhaps thankful that there was someone else there to deal with the situation. 

Part of my job, I feel, is to fully understand all the thoughts and feelings that come up for me surrounding this alternative way we are creating our family. But more and more all things lead to love. Things that seem like they should mean something or matter just kind of don't. All that matters is that we love this baby girl so much and can't wait to finally, FINALLY meet her. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Meliss-- Transfer tomorrow???!! OMG. We all wish you so much love and strength for the dreadful 2ww ahead. Sorry, maybe it will be fabulous and non anxiety provoking for you ;) I shouldn't project my dread. The how doesn't matter, won't matter, but it does stay with you a bit. In my experience. But I think that's what allows for so much gratitude and patience. Good luck tomorrow and please keep us posted. Jojo-- I totally agree. One thing about any kid who comes into the world via ART is that they are already so wanted and loved.

[Meliss]

I feel like a constant theme in the world of infertility is to keep having to redefine what is normal and what it takes in the process of making a baby. Sometimes it's just a matter of slightly changing our perspective and other times it feels like a complete reshifting of our beliefs and everything we once held true. At first everything seems so crazy and like a huge deal because it's never what we imagined - whether it's taking meds to make a baby, injecting yourself with daily hormones in the lovely ivf process, spending thousands of dollars, finding egg/embryo from someone else ...but eventually it starts to become less crazy...because it's just what we have to do to reach our goal. In the end - the HOW we get to that goal won't matter so much(or so I tell myself). All that will matter is that it's our baby, our family...and that's the most important thing. All of this to say that I truly believe your baby is yours and Noah's and was always meant to be ..and she will be so loved! Sorry for the rambling. Feeling reflective as I'm trying to stay so hopeful this time around - transfer on Friday (retrieval was pushed back a few days). You continue to inspire me to stay strong and determined <3

[Jojo]

I have seen so many dis functional families who have genetic kids and so many beautiful families that have no genetic tie. I have also seen the opposite. I truly believe the happiness of a family lies in the amount of love, support, traditions and especially how the parents treat each other. You and Noah will make this lucky girl have one happy life.