2015! It's Official!

2015. 

Wow. 

Why does the year sound so futuristic? 

I kind of have the urge to write a similar post to the one I wrote at this time last year-- about letting the past year go and starting with a clean slate. 2012 and 2013 really sucked for Noah and I. Plain and simple. The years just sucked. When you have years of your life that feel overwhelmingly terrible, it's sometimes hard to imagine that the next year can be different. But it can and it will, and for us, 2014 (though much of it was spent in bed for me) was much better. 

In 2013, I went through a yoga teacher training around the time my sister donated her eggs to us. It kind of saved my life and helped me find a physical, emotional and mental strength that I felt I had lost over the years on IF Island. Having not done any of the physical practice of yoga since June 2014 because of all the P complications, all I really have had is the mental practice, which emphasizes being present and mindful.

Living on IF Island, my brain often turned into a cyclone of repetitive obsessive thoughts that just circled my mind. It was a constant rotation of fearful thoughts, to-do lists, wondering if the next procedure would work, worrying about the cost--round and round it went. The best I could do was find moments of being present, of being in my body, of being calm. But often they were just moments of relief because feelings and unknowns on IF Island are so intense, it can be really hard to just be. My yoga practice really helped me cultivate the calm and learn to sit with and be with whatever was happening, and over time I've gotten better at it.

Now, at almost 28 weeks P (OMG, seriously?!) I find myself in moments of overwhelm about birth and baby stuff. I'm happy to be overwhelmed by these things but at the same time, it can make your head spin. But if there are a few things I've learned over the past few years, it's that some how, some way, everything is going to be ok. It is. I've learned to pause. And to breathe. And to appreciate what I have. I've learned to let go of sadness and to imagine my heart healing so that I can love myself and my life and my baby-to-be fully. I've learned to be open and to embrace whatever lies ahead because I know it will only make me a stronger, kinder person. 

I don't know if I would have learned these lessons had we not gone through all we've gone through. If I got knocked up one night, there's no way I would have grown in the way that I have. While I wouldn't wish infertility on anybody, I do know for certain that when you're finally spit out the other side you have a personal growth that would be really hard to acquire in any other way. You have skills to tackle the difficult decisions in life and confidence that you can conquer your own fears. 

So let's be fearless in 2015! Wherever you are in your journey to parenthood--coming off an unsuccessful cycle, gearing up for your first IUI, coming to terms with third party reproduction, in the middle of hormone induced madness, or newly P after ART, let's all make our new years resolution be to embrace where we are. To experience it all fully and mindfully. To breathe and be present. And to let go of the fear and the what-ifs. 

Rock on 2015! Bring it!

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

ANITA!!! Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply to this comment, my computer has been broken and it's a huge pain but OMG! Yay! Congrats! That's a really high first beta no? Is there more than one? Please keep up posted on beta #2. So excited for you but yes--cautiously optimistic for sure. Enjoy the madness. Lindsay-- yay to 8 weeks! The sound of the heartbeat is amazing isn't it. I get those fears but they are just fears-- fear is often about what might happen, not what is happening now. Stay with the now. Which is a tiny baby growing inside you, Good luck and congrats again. Thanks Lauren! I saw a new OB today who said I can exhale at 32 weeks--ugh. But 28 is good too, I'll take it! Thanks Silvia!!

[Silvia]

So exciting!!

[Lauren]

28 weeks is a terrific milestone to reach. My OB said it's the point at which OBs breathe a sigh of relief about their own pregnancies :)

[Lindsay Monnier]

I am so excited to see your precious Momo be brought to life outside of you this year! My husband and I are currently 8 weeks P with our donated egg baby (my sister's eggs). We've heard the heart beat twice now. I've had a lot of fears about losing this baby since I've had recurrent miscarriages. Everytime I would have some bleeding I would think about all that you've gone through with Momo and would tell myself this is our time just like it is your time too. I pray that 2015 brings us both happy and healthy bundles of joy and a sense of relief and pride in ourselves for all we've both been through to get to our babies! Happy New Year!!

[Anita]

Happy New Year, Maya. I wished to share that my first beta today came at 4956! I'm still numb and I go for second beta and U/S on 6th. Of course I'll still be cautiously optimistic, but it is still such a big news. I'm going through as you put it "hormone induced madness" and kind of enjoying it! :)