We all have fantasies about how things in our lives are "supposed" to go. Or how we want them to go. Or how we wish them to go. For many of us who are lucky, some of those things actually happen. For the majority of us, there are also things that come up that we never expected, never fathomed, never could have dreamed. They're life's curve balls. Some of those curve balls lead to pain and sadness, others lead to excitement and happiness, and then there's everything in between.
I was thinking about this when reading one of the comments from an fellow IF Islander on a previous post who said she had a really high first beta and recently found out she's having twins. HOW EXCITING! For many reasons-- to finally get a BFP or a double BFP I should say. To get not only one baby but two! I really wanted twins for a while. When we transferred three embryos from my sister's donated cycle, I was preparing and getting myself excited for twins, knowing it might be a little rough but then you have an instant family of four and don't have to think about where to get a sibling. But I also know that twins were never what I imagined for myself, and this women who is now expecting twins might not have expected it either. We on IF Island are so grateful for any good news, but sometimes the news might take some adjusting to.
Many of us on IF Island have been thrown a major curve ball, and while we are excited when solutions or opportunities start to come together, there may also be some mixed feelings. Some of us may be having our babies after years of treatments via surrogacy or adoption. Some of us may be giving birth to babies not genetically related to us. Some of us will have multiples and struggle with the absolute blessing that is mixed with the anxiety of a higher risk situation and the physical/emotional/financial aspects of having two or three or more babies at once. Some of us will need to plan our family expansion differently and might have kids closer together than what we might have hoped for. There are so many possibilities of things working out...differently than expected.
Different can take some time to adjust to. Different can mean a mixture of happy and sad and coming to terms with certain feelings. Different can mean beautiful opportunities. Different can be ok if we let it be.
The bottom line is few of us live out the fantasies we created back in childhood or high school, so that means periods of adjustments and acceptance. Accepting then embracing our journey to parenthood is the only way we can continue to move forward.
Happy Friday everyone! I'm heading to the perinatologist with my Mother-in-Law who is in town and will hopefully have a good Momo update soon.
Thank you for your thoughts, Maya. This post perfectly describes how I am feeling today. We dropped off the deposit this morning to secure our egg donor. I am confident that this is the best course for us to expand our family. However, the mixed emotions of relief, hope, anxiety, and sadness can feel overwhelming. Sometimes I shake my head and think "I can't believe we are really here, at this place, at this choice". But, I am quickly learning to embrace this life "curveball".
Posted by: Cherise | January 26, 2015 at 10:08 AM
Hi Terri-- Thanks for sharing our trailer! And I don't know about DQAlpha. No doc has ever talked to us about it. I can imagine that's tough info to get and I wish you the best of luck with whatever route you choose next. Embryo donation has been a great choice for us but I do understand it taking some time to come to terms with. Anita!!! All your feelings are totally understandable. Yes there are hormones and all that good stuff but it's also overwhelming --all of it, and anxiety producing. Of course all of us on IF Island are so happy to get a BFP, but there are often other feelings that pop up when that BFP is more than one baby or with donated parts. All it means is that it's important to explore those feelings. Sounds like you have a good support system which is great. I don't think it's fair that IF Islanders are often told to be happy with whatever you get. We are happy! Sometimes we just need a little time to sort out the feelings. I have a friend who got pregnant naturally and really wanted a girl. She cried when she found out she was having a boy. That's harder for me to figure out and be empathic towards. Being worried about a twin pregnancy is normal but I know many people who had twins-- most were full term and totally healthy babies! The moms were HUGE, heads up! But all that mattered in the end were those healthy babies. Good luck. Let yourself process the info for a while.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | January 12, 2015 at 09:22 AM
You are so right, Maya. Life can spring so many unexpected surprises. We just so two little heartbeats yesterday. However, for 3 days until yesterday, I was very nervous, feeling sad and low, and could not understand what was going on with me. I am still coming to terms with the twin pregnancy. My family is of course excited but I kind of imagined myself with a single kid family! Might sound weird to someone, or may its my hormones talking. Because two weeks earlier I was thinking how wonderful a family with 4 kids would be! Anyways, I talked with my acupuncturist about how I feel like I'm not happy, and he was very nice about putting me to ease. My RE said that I'm nervous as this has finally happened after 4 years for us, and add to that the super high dose of estrogen I'm on. I hate these crazy hormones.
Also I wanted to let you know that this became possible after I moved to donor eggs. First try and success. You would imagine that how it involves mourning about letting go of your genetics but I realized that above all I want a family! Things that life teaches us.. We just need to change plans. I'm also worried about any twin pregnancy complications, I seriously am. Well, I can only hope for the best.
At the moment I'm swinging from happy to not so happy state.
Posted by: Anita | January 10, 2015 at 04:20 PM
I've been following your blog for awhile and have really loved the way you've shared your journey, how you write about it, and the trailer for the film. I shared it on ivf.ca which is a Canadian site for IVF'ers and people on IF island (as you call it).
My partner and I just found out we have a partial DQAlpha match which means that we have an immune system issue that gets in the way of us being able to conceive together. And since it's an issue between my uterus and his sperm, donor eggs don't even fix the issue and people can fail with donor eggs with this issue. Anyways, we just found this out and reading your blog, it made me wonder after your attempt with your sister's eggs failed whether you guys might have something similar.
In any case, I really resonate with this post about things not exactly what we imagined and trying to find a way to be happy within that.
We're now having to consider either donor embryo or a donor egg/sperm combo to overcome the issue.
Posted by: Terri | January 09, 2015 at 01:23 PM