I've written blog posts for Fertility Planit and Fertility Authority this month with the theme of finding ways to keep an open heart to how your baby might come to you. Let me say here, that sometimes it's really not easy.
Last Valentine's Day I wrote this post. I was in a very different space than I am today. I was focused on trying to heal my heart rather than open it to the possibilities. During infertility treatments, I often found that it was my heart that hurt the most. More than the shots, more than the bills-- that space in my chest just felt crushed and deflated.
Sometimes I would try some yoga poses to physically and psychologically open my heart space, by clasping my hands behind my back, bending my elbows then straightening my arms, allowing my chest to rise and my head to tilt back. After a few attempts at taking deep breaths I would just know my heart space was tight and clogged up. It's a terrible feeling--like you just can't breathe. And the emotions that come with a tight heart space are often ugly ones-- fear, jealousy, anger. But here's the thing, sometimes living on IF Island just makes us feel that way. There is a lot of thought about what could have been and should have been, if only.... There is having to process your own grief while others you know are blissfully moving on. There are relationship strains and lots of feelings you just wish you didn't have. All of it is normal, but all of it sucks. Plain and simple.
But...there is a but...but it doesn't feel like this forever, and there are things we can try to do to soften the space around the heart and find ways to be open again. Taking ten deep breaths into that heart space, whether I could actually breathe or not, was helpful to me in tough times, because it forced me to be in the moment with my thoughts and feelings and then let them go. On an inhale I would think about whatever was hurting-- the last unsuccessful cycle, the confusion about what to do next, the unfairness of friends getting P by accident-- and at the top of my inhale I would pause, accept the thought or feeling for what it was, and then on the exhale try to just let it go. Whatever happened in the past was the past. It was over. Obsessing about it wasn't going to help me. In the moment I wasn't making big life decisions about what to do next, I was just breathing. And as Noah always said, what happens with other people doesn't affect me. Someone else being P didn't mean I never would be. It was just a reminder of the unfairness, so I tried to let it go.
Visualizing and breathing like this is a way to get back into the present moment. It's a way to then start breathing in more positive thoughts and feelings. On an inhale it's thinking about all the good things that can fill the heart, and appreciating that I had a beating heart and people who cared about it. It was reminding myself that as unfair and painful as all of this was, that I would one day be a mother.
That day is now 6-7 weeks away. I could never have moved to embryo donation without and open heart and an open mind. Noah and I both needed to heal and let go and reprioritize. And it took time, but I'm so happy we did. We had to find ways to truly love and appreciate ourselves and each other before we could fully embrace how our baby was going to come to us. And we love Momo now so intensely, I don't think either of us could imagine her coming to us in any other way.
Valentine's Day is truly about finding gratitude and appreciation for wherever you are in the journey and in your life. It's finding ways to heal and create hope and to love yourself and your partner and family and peeps fully. It's thinking about your baby finding his/her way to you eventually, or looking at your miracle babies and letting your heart fill up with that energy. And if nothing feels like it's working, it's buying yourself a box of heart shaped chocolates and shoving them in your face-- indulging isn't a bad thing this weekend.
Sending so much love to everyone this weekend.
Hi Anita! 12 weeks is a big milestone. Congrats. I hear ya on the crappy ultrasound equipment. It's lame. I did the cell free DNA and don't think it matters about donor etc.They do tell you your percentage of risk for certain things based on your age and my percentages were all based on the age of my donor. But that is not as accurate as doing the actual blood tests. I did tell my OB and the genetic counselor about donor embryo but the blood test really looks at the baby (and gives you gender if you want it). The NT scan, I believe, really looks at the baby's parts so where the eggs etc originate from probably shouldn't matter. Good luck!!!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 20, 2015 at 06:33 PM
Maya, 12weeks is exciting and at the time makes me nervous to be happy, that all who go through infertility would understand. Out of superstition, I've not yet bought maternity pants. Miraculously, two of my pants (both black) fit and I alternate those at work. :)
I am so sad about the Obgyn's ultrasound equipment. Makes me wanna purchase my own. :) She commented last week that the baby is moving so much and I was like "where"? It was so hazy.
Totally contrary to you, we have not disclosed donor to our obgyn, and our RE said that it should totally be our decision. I go to NT next Friday and am confused about the blood tests though. I read tests like panorama are not accurate for donor pregnancies, but I do recall that you had a cfDNA, didn't you? Our donor was only 21. I hope all goes well with the NT.
Only a few more weeks for you to hold Momo! Super-exciting! Good luck with everything.
Posted by: Anita | February 20, 2015 at 06:24 PM
Hi Anita. I'm so sorry about Baby #2. It's so hard. I hear about vanishing twins often, so I know it is somewhat common, but sad nevertheless. Seeing Baby #1 move around must be amazing though. Enjoy that! I was terrified to leave my RE and yes, the OB ultrasound machines make everything just look like the deep sea. We are used to a specific kind of care--one that costs an arm and a leg, but still, and going to a "regular" doc is underwhelming. You're almost at 12 weeks Mama! So exciting. Keep us posted, and pack on those pounds. Who cares. I've already gained 40 and I have six weeks to go!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 19, 2015 at 08:35 AM
Hi Maya, I'm 11 wks and 3 days P as of yesterday's ultrasound. Seeing the baby move around is just so endearing. We lost the baby 2, vanishing twin, by week 8 and now there's only an empty sac there. I felt guilty about not liking the twins news after the first beta! I wish baby 2 had lived too, but we are so little in control. I'm off progesterone, had my last shot yesterday. Have put on like 8 pounds already, which my RE says is because of twins, even if one did not make it. I get a bit anxious about going overweight and never coming back. Now is of course not the time to worry. Had my first obgyn appointment today. Felt a bit emotional. And I hated their ultrasound machine! RE's is so much better! Next Monday would be my last RE appointment and I am going to get separation anxiety. I wish I could continue there, but my RE laughed and said that he hasn't delivered a baby in 25 years. :)
Posted by: Anita | February 17, 2015 at 03:51 PM
Hi Blake-- I love it! Goin' to Vegas to get knocked up by a man (or maybe woman) you've probably never physically met before! Or maybe met once? Maybe via Skype? Oh the lengths we will go to. You're so right about trying to be in the RIGHT NOW. It's all we got. I wish you so much luck (and warm weather) on your next...adventure. Hi Gigi, hope you got through the weekend ok. I get that feeling--you so badly want to be happy for your friend but WTF!!! It all feels like a slap in the face. Other people have the right to move on with their lives and have families. We logically know that. But sometimes it just triggers stuff in us that hurts. Take care of yourself and remember your friend didn't get P to spite you. The feelings are totally normal! Hey Lisa-- hope you have a love filled V day!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 17, 2015 at 02:41 PM
I'm learning to be "in the moment" or "in the now" and really trying to just be as happy as I can be RIGHT NOW. Because there's no use in stressing out or becoming anxious about the weeks or day ahead. And I've started saying out loud to myself (mostly in the car driving) "Thy Will Be Done" and I'm not necessarily a religious person, but there's a point where no matter how many tries or cycles, its ultimately out of our power. We obviously have a huge part in making things happen, but at the same time, its comical sometimes how much it is out of our control. For me, I closed my heart to so many options at first. And now, I'm a day away from starting my injections for my first IVF. I'm leaving for Las Vegas on Friday, where I'll be for 2 weeks while I get IVF/PGD. It will be a nice change from cold Washington State. I mean, who else can say they're going to Vegas to get knocked up on purpose? :)
Posted by: Blake | February 17, 2015 at 02:11 PM
Thank you for writing this. I needed it today. Just found out a friend gotten pregnant and it sent me to depression. Thanks for letting me know what I feel is normal.
Posted by: Gigi | February 15, 2015 at 02:46 AM
Such good advice about keeping our heart open. Happy Valentine's Day, Maya!
Posted by: Lisa @ AmateurNester | February 13, 2015 at 05:51 PM