Another Lesson in Letting Go

The lessons of letting go of control keep on coming.

So yesterday at work I started having side pains that spread into my back. I was shoving a giant cookie into my face in the lunch room and started feeling weird. I quickly finished off the giant cookie (obviously) and went into my office to lay down for a sec. The pain kinda went away but I still felt weird so I called the doctor. I'm always a little hesitant to call the doc because I feel like a crazy person. Part of me doesn't want to bother him, part of me feels like maybe weird feelings are normal and I don't want to overreact. But I called anyway (better to be safe) and ended up going into his office where a nurse hooked Momo and me up to a fetal monitor and saw that I was having contractions. The doc sent me to the hospital to be monitored for longer and that was it.

Why? What's happening? What does it mean?

I had all the same feelings I had when we were going through infertility treatments. Loads of unanswered or unanswerable questions, like why do I have diminished ovarian reserve in my early 30's? Why did our embryos fall apart in the petri dish? And yesterday it was why am I having early contractions? Is this preterm labor? Then of course there is the feeling of what now? What's going to happen next?

I've learned that in the field of reproduction there are a lot of unknowns. Doctors don't always know why something happens or  doesn't. They can't predict outcomes and they can't make any guarantees. It's a lot of wait and see. 

The lack of control we all have can make us uneasy. Uneasy is a gentle term for how many of us often feel. Frustrated. Anxious. Insane! But if four years on IF Island has taught me anything, it's that sometimes we just don't know why or how or what's next. Sometimes we have to do the best we can in each moment. We need to stay calm. Take care of our bodies. Ask all the questions we have and accept that sometimes there are no answers. 

As I was hooked up to a fetal monitor for almost an hour, I just sat back and listened to the sound of Momo's heartbeat. I hoped she would cook a little longer because that will be better for her, but kind of accepted that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I couldn't do anything but stay hydrated and lay there. 

At one point the nurse came in and said she was going to monitor for 30 more minutes and if I had no more than two contractions in that time I could go home. I had two. I went home.

"So what should I do now? I asked. "Does this mean it's the beginning of something? Will I have these kinds of contractions for weeks? Does it mean I'm more likely to deliver early? Will the baby be ok? Is there anything I should do? How will I know when to come back to the hospital?" 

The nurse looked at me and shrugged. She took my discharge forms and wrote the phone number for labor and delivery on the corner of a page and said, "I don't know what's going to happen. You can always call or just come back, but there's nothing we can really do for now." 

So I went home.  I fought the urge to check my to-do lists and add to my to-do lists because I knew I'd just be searching for a way to feel in control. And I just kind of loafed around. 

I don't know what's going to happen next. None of us do. All we can do is move through the moment that's directly in front of us, and try to take care of ourselves the best we can, and make the best decisions we can along the way.  My dad pointed out that Momo was in a freezer for four years and has been stuck inside me for another 8 months--maybe she's just ready to get out and into the world. Maybe, but maybe not. She'll come when she comes I suppose.  I just have to wait and see. 

I wish everyone out there a restful weekend! 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Marisa and Meliss-- Thanks for the love! And Meliss-- congrats on phase two of this! Hope you're feeling good!

[Meliss]

Thinking of you and hoping everything is going well!!!!! Thanks for another great reminder that sometimes we just need to take things day by day or even moment by moment...trying to remember that..and not panic..as I entered the 2nd trimester this week. Can't wait to hear Momo updates -especially once we can all "meet" her in the near future! <3

[marisa]

thinking of you in these final weeks! Thank you for sharing your story!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks guys! Maybe my body is just starting to figure out how to blast Momo into the world. Jess, as always I appreciate your insight. I was thinking things were normal until my OB sent me to hospital, but I think they are super cautious all the time. Vee-- I'm glad I can make things a little easier. Even if just a liiiiiiiiiitle ;) It's so hard to live with the content disappointments of IF. I wish you good luck.

[Vee]

Thank you for always being so honest in your blogs. The lack of sugar coating makes dealing with infertility a liiiiiiittle easier. Just a little ;)

[Jess]

It sounds like you are in a great mindset already but I have two things that may help: 1, the fact that they did not do a fibronectin (vaginal swab that can check for a certain agent signally birth in the next week or so) is a great sign. That is what is done if preterm labor seems to be going on. Two, I was in the hospital for four months hooked up to the non-stress machine (oxymoron by the way) sometimes all day. There wasn't a day where they didn't notice contractions. As one nurse put it, sometimes the monitoring causes more issues. We have no way of knowing what is normal or not since "typical" pregnancies are not monitored closely to give a baseline of what it totally fine. That was a long way of saying hang in there and know contractions at this point can be so "normal" and not indicative of anything imminent.

[Samantha]

Definitely call if the contractions get regular or more intense, hopefully your body was just trying them out to see how this Momo-escape plan was going to work!

You are going to be Mama to a baby in your arms real soon, it's a crazy ride I tell ya!!

Hope you have a quiet weekend! Xx