Fear is such a powerful thing. It often drives us into action or keeps us in paralysis or creates a state of emotional unease living somewhere between those two polarities. On IF Island, fear is all too common. The anxieties of the what-ifs, the fear of the unknown outcomes, the fear of losing time and money and parts of yourself, the fear of needles and physical pain--glorious, right?
In the years I was going through infertility treatments, I felt a lot of fear. My initial fears were more based on physical things--are the shots going to hurt? What are these drugs going to do to me long term? And then when things didn't worked out as hoped, my fear was all about what if nothing works?
In my mind and heart I thought I couldn't handle the disappointment. While I was a hot mess at times, I really tried to learn to sit with what was. I acknowledged the fear and gave myself permission to just be in it. I knew I couldn't fight it, I knew it would be there, but I also knew it wasn't going to kill me. I knew I had my family and my husband and that one day I would be a mother, and I tried to just focus on that. I tried to take deep breaths, do yoga and take long walks, practiced being in the moment as much as possible, and distract myself at times.
Many of my fears came true. Shots hurt. We lost a lot of money. Procedures we thought/hoped would work didn't. Years of my life just went. Friendships suffered. And yet, now I'm almost on the other side. I survived the shots. I rarely think about the cost. I know we had to try the procedures we did because it was all part of our process. I learned a lot about myself and about life in those years that just went, and I know they were not wasted. And I have many new and amazing friends who have also gone through similar struggles. Oh, and I have a 33 week old baby girl growing in me who just learned how to punch me in the ribs!
I guess what I'm saying is that fear is natural and often inevitable on IF Island, but we all get through.
Now that I'm at a different stage of all this, I thought much of the fear I've felt in the past was behind me. Though my pregnancy complications were scary, after the new year I was feeling pretty good--more confident that we are really going all the way with this thing!
I've been listening to hypnobabies and reading books about mindful birthing and I haven't felt fearful. Until yesterday, when in birth class the instructor showed videos circa 1993. Graphic videos. Ummm...suddenly I felt overwhelmed with the same types of fears I had during infertility treatments. About the pain, about the process, about the unknowns. I even felt myself start crying for a sec. But, if IF Island has taught me anything it's that I'm way tougher than I give myself credit for, and I'll be ok. I have to go back to the basics of being with the fear and letting a lot of it go, but I know how to do that now. Infertility has kind of conditioned me to deal with difficult emotions now. I can only imagine what kind of fear comes up when there is an actual baby to care for!
Wishing everyone on IF Island a fearless week!
Hi Maria. Sounds like your fear is really intense. Understandable, but also can be very stressful. If you can find a good support person, a therapist or counselor or someone to help you manage some of these intense feelings, that might help. I wish you the best of luck!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 17, 2015 at 02:47 PM
Dear Maya, I started to read your blog when my husband and I started our first treatment (and that didin't work). We're pregnant now, and I thought that that fear that I felt all these years woul finally leave (I was diagnosed primary ovaric failure when I was 19, and I'm 38 now).
But it didn't, and I've lost all the peace and strenght tha I gained in my life. And all I can think about is that my baby is going to die before birth, and I don't know what to do... praying is not working, and neither is yoga (sorry but I'm argentinian so english is not my mother tongue). Iwish I knew what to do.
Best wishes and I always pray for you and your baby Momo :D
Posted by: María Eugenia | February 13, 2015 at 12:13 PM
Hi JCS-- ugh. The runaway follicle--soooo annoying! And the easily P friend--equally annoying and crushing. I hope you can put those racehorse blinders on this weekend and just treat yourself. It sucks. It's not fair. But don't give up. Lisa--great news about acupuncture. Sounds like it is helping your luteal phase. Good luck with the IVF consultation. I know it's scary but you will be put on a protocol and your job will be to stay calm and just do it, one step at a time. Wishing you the best of luck. KB-- OMG, I get it. It's like enough already, right?! But your friend is right. Don't give up on your body or your baby. I doubted my body often and was so fed up with it-- but deep down I had faith that it would come through when I needed it to. DON'T GIVE UP! Sending lots of love to everyone.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 13, 2015 at 08:21 AM
Trying to stay strong this week. Just found out my IVF cycle was cancelled due to a rogue large follicle. In the meantime, my 38 year old friend announced that she's expecting, naturally, no problems. She's as far along as I would have been if my FET would have worked last fall. I've worked really hard to get and stay in a good headspace but sometimes the unfairness of this situation just feels crushing.
Posted by: JCS | February 13, 2015 at 06:08 AM
I'm still here...lurking. So happy for you Maya...I've started acupuncture since first week in january and this past cycle was the longest I've had in awhile. Wonder if the acupuncture helped? had a 29 day cycle, and my previous two were 24 and 25 days. Maybe it did help lengthen my luteal phase? Anyways, next week we have our consultation for IVF. Hoping to start our first IVF in the next few months. I'm remaining optimistic, but sometimes it's so hard.
Posted by: Lisa | February 12, 2015 at 02:14 PM
I really needed to read this tonight. I had another acupuncture session today and just had one of those "NO! NO MORE NEEDLES! STOP TOUCHING ME!" moments where I just felt ALL of it and realized it's all based in fear. I'm afraid to be hopeful as we set towards our second IVF because I know what the pain feels like after ONE ivf and four failed transfers, and what if the pain of failing again is even worse? Or, the thing that really keeps me up at night: What if the reason I'm fearful is because my body deep down knows that it can't do this for me and it's trying to tell me something? But then I had coffee with my (very pregnant) friend who simply looked me in the eyes and said "don't give up." It occurred to me how little I hear that. Almost no one says "don't give up" to people on this damn island- instead they say "you can just adopt, right?" or "have you thought of just traveling the world?" I never knew how powerful "don't give up" would feel. Then to read your post, from the woman who is the epitome of "don't give up", I can't tell you how much that helped. Thank you thank you.
Posted by: KB | February 12, 2015 at 05:32 AM